Once again, he came in mind... but today i talked to childline. I feel that i only have childline. Childline is the one thats always there for me. And understand me. Of course i have my dear friend that i met from the internet. And i thank her for everything she's done for me. Even childline agreed with me too right a book like my lovely friend from the internet did have that in mind. Maybe i will... but i need to find how it works. How will i publish it? Everything. Not only i want to do this for me, and let people know what i suffered. But also i want to help those who have or are suffering like the same or simular things that i've suffered. Maybe i will with the age i ahve now or maybe later in time when i feel good and feel better about myself and made those problems go away to not interfer in my life.

Quote: "Let the sunshine in your life, and bring you go things, try not to let that darkness in, though it might destroy everything including your happiness."

Yesturday i looked myself in thr mirror and said to my self i'm pretty. And i managed to accept it dont know why but i did. However i said this with clothes on, but the hard part is yet to come without clothes on, because of what happened to me in school and the other serious problem that i yet haven't revealed. But i do believe that i will get there. If i was able to do this, then i will one day progess and succeed to believe that i am pretty. But not at the moment i dont feel yet perfect to say and believe that. 

This links me to say: "That little by little i will reach the target, and progress to suceed in life."

Today, he wouldn't stop coming to my mind. Do i really love him? Hum... the probelm is that nothing is ever gonna happen between me and him. Thats one of the things that hurt me. Another is that im in year 11 and is the last year at school, so its the last time i'll see him. That hurts me too because i wont see him no more.

An idea has came in mind. Which is to write a letter to him and and give to him not now, but on the last day of school, the last day i see him. On that letter i would right everything that i feel for him and everthing, and maybe i would sign my name or maybe i could keep it secretive. However, also im having in mind to write my number, because i will miss him so much that i would love to keep in contact with him, but i dont know yet. What do you think? 

Today's quote is: "No matter what happens, never feel guilty about something you've done, at least you tried your best to make things better..."

Today... well i not much happening but at forst i got upset because i had noticed that he wasn't in school. That made me miss him even more. As the day was passing along, on the last lesson the door suddenly appeared and i looked at there he was :D i
that brought my smile straight away. But of course i had to hide it because it would be or make it obvious that i like him. Yes it is, i like a teacher, i've fell in love with him. But the problem is i have a less chance that something will happen for defenitly. Also i will suffer more including this to my problems knowing that its impossible for me and him to stay forever together. But no one chooses the person we fall in love with... 

However i'm getting woried on my eating, i believe that i'm getting fatter and fatter :( the reason im changing is to attract people to like me and be friends with me since i have no friends in school. I spend the time on my own, no one to talk to... and as a result i do this to try and be like them pretty, perfect and maybe tbey will like me that way. And if they dont like me yet maybe im not perfect enough and need to carry on going. Losing weight of course. Another reason is to feel well confortable about myself, and of course to be healthier... that it for today i guess.

Today's post links: "If you really want something to happen, then fight for it to make it become true. Never give up o n your dreams and wishes." 

Today, i saw him but lets not talk about today, maybe another time. However, today i had pyscology at school. I talked to her about things that happened during the holidays up untill today. The suicidal thoughts, the doctor appointment that i had this week and a few other things. She told me alot, asking me questions about it. Untill it got one that touched me. Which was about the period. And she told me that doctors ask that if there are regular or not. And if they're not then it leeds to either being pregrant or lost to much weight. 

At knew that but then she told me if the weight problem was the issue, then it could leeds to serious problems. Such as in future it can stop you from having children. I never knew that was the case, of course i want to have children in future but i dont want this stopping me from doing that. Of course we talked about few more things, but i think i'm in that endless road with no exit. No way to escape/to resolve these problems.

Today's quote is: "Always think first, before you act and say something that in future time you'd wished you never said."

Sister's birthday was today... loved sharing smiles and a special moment on this special day for her. 'Love you sister, your my everything...' But food gets involved and i get scared of eating, worried to eat to much and worried that this entire thing happening might be discovered one day. 

I weighed myself today and i was huh... yesturday at the doctors i weighed 53kg and now i weigh 46-47kg (i checked before eating but after i didnt worried what the kg would go up to). I was supprised like how could it, either it is right or something is being presented wrong, i think my balance is wrong. 

My weight cant be that low yet... i wish it was but its probably not and i need to lose more weight. I think i'm still fat and overweight but one thing that i had in mind today and yesturday. Is the suidicidual thoughts have came back in mind, i have didnt types of ideas to commit suicide, but the problem is is that i'm not brave enough to do it. Which means i'm weak and useless.

Today's quote reflexcts on: 

"A smile isn't always what makes us happy and shows that we are happy, but it is at least something and its better than nothing, never give up on trying and yes do search for your happiness, because happiness does exist. One day it will appear to you and will.make you the most happiest person ever in the entire world."

Today... hum... how should i explain today... Well it was an alright day i guess, at school i thought it would be awful, but it wasnt that bad. I had mass i saw him (havent told you yet this story again this is one of my secrets, not now but maybe in future i will reveal it to you). Try not to look at him to make it obivous but sometimes its hard... however when i first arrived at school i saw people looking sideways to me, there some giggles thought they were to me that made me upset. I dont know if they were, but they looked like they were... 

Lets move on, what i wanna tell you i had my appointment at the doctors. She was really nice i had to go with mum. She doesn't speak much english, which was good for me which ment i could tell most things not everything but enough that she should know. She asked those normal questions, about my health if i'm healthy or not. If i sleep well, etc. I didnt reveal much, but then she said we cant do the blood test or any particular tests if you have any particluar symptoms, (e.g. unusual or dangerous ones)...

Suddendly, when she said that and typed what we talked about in the computer, something got into me to reveal to her what was going on. I told i lost weight, i told it did involve a bit of school. But i prefered not to talk about it, she asked me why but i maintained serect and said it was very personal, i even said sorry to not tell her...

She weighed me, i was suprised but shocked and my feeling to the balance was hoping to be at the right weight for me, the weight that i saw at home the lower i ever got. When i weighed myself it said 53kg i was suprised - how could that be? Maybe the balance at home is old enough and is not weighing probably , maybe this one's wrong (questions and thoughts got inside my head).  She measured me in height i dont know what it was but after that she told me i wasn't underweight, i was a at the normal weight for my age. 

I told her that i used to eat alot in the past, i used to weight about 60-61kg. I used like say i ate now, in like half an hour or so i would start eating again. But i try to avoid that. She said that if feel hungry to eat but eat healthy like a fruit or so. 

She asked me about my period. And i told her about them. I asked about my apperance, about my bones. Because some are starting to show up, she said if it was normal. She said it was normal in my case because i dont eat alot like before of course but i do need to eat enough and plenty. 

However, i also revealed that i used to eat 2-3 plates of dinner or lunch now i just eat like 1 plate. She did ask me if i skipped meals but i never do, if i could i would but 2 reasons stop me. One my parents and two its hard to stop eating like before and to cut down will be harder, but if my parents weren't a problem i would be able to do it. Of course she asked more questions, but this shows clearly the key points.

In the end, she said if it comes to a problem contact us (the doctor's surgery) and an appointment to see how your doing. Maybe in a couple of weeks/months times we will measure you again and weigh you to see how your going. More on your weight than height. 

When she was typing, i said can i see you again, and maybe we can talk about the issue on the reason of the weight and so on. I did ask if i could see her independtly, with parents. She said yes because i'm nearly the approriate age to do that. I asked her 1 or 2 more questions, such as if she would tell anyone and another question. And she said only if i was in danger (e.g. killing myself, someone hurting me and so on). Also i did tell her that i had a proper couseller/physocologist at school.

So now, she made the appointment to see her and i will see her on my own in two weeks time. Looking forward to that, but worried of course any nervous about the talk. Lets see how it goes.

Today's quote is: "Don't be afraid to fight for your happiness, don't be afraid to be friendly, don't be afraid to say sorry, don't be afraid to sin as to no one is perfect everyone, but never be scared to fight for your dreams & wishes, and to love those people that exist in your life, the ones that are important to you."