Today went ok. I made a progess i think. I started a conversation but didnt say hello i started it another way. But only did it once. I am able to talk to people if they speak to me but its alot effort for me to be able to make for me to actually start a conversation but i manged to do it well kind of. The person did say one or two thing to me but then after a moment when i replyed to her i asked her a question and she answers back and chatted about another thing or two. I didnt manage to start it but i managed to progress the conversation and contiune it. Is that a good thing? I think ive changed my mind about next week, i think that i will go and see my teacher on wednesday, but worried about what she might say or the way she may speak to me. Scared to think that she may think that i haven't progressed enough.... oh well i shall wait and see. 

Today i saw him but wirh less hate, but i still love him and i have a long journery to proclaim to be able to forget him. But i think i'm able to do it. But today i did the usual as you know what i do everyday relating to him in morning and afternon or even during school.

However today's quote is: ''Once again, if build that smile and achieve all your gaols, then everthing will be easier and possible to fight through a battle and win your objectives."

Not much happening today. No suicidal thoughts, but do plan to do it not maybe now by later in life if anything gets worse. I sae him and i did and as usually. Check if his car was there before and after school. This is getting really obsitive i need to stop and forget him. He has someone on his life and im suffering enough to know that from yesturday. I must not suffer no more or should i? I feel hate, and upset from outside but inside its the complete opposite. I love him and im happy for him to exist in my life but really he doesnt. And this is another battle to fight throught and try and win in the end... 

Today's quote is: "Smile always and be sad less. One day a smile will grow and you will see the good in life. Instead of the bad. Smile and live freely forever and one step at a time to build that real you."

I hate life, seriously today another bad day. I went to talk with my teacher like she said to last week. And guess what it destroyed my day. She was very harsh, asking if i made progress in doing something in makong friends, keeping the past in the past and i said no. And she said that she wont help me because then we aint moving and u are just making no progess and thats wasting my time. That hurt alot. Well if she dosent want to help then why be that person to lissten to problems and help people... we talked and in end she said to start of by saying hello she said its easy but it isnt. She wont understand how i feel. Because she hasnt gone through what i have. :'( seriously it made me cry i cryed and cryed. These people asked me if i was ok i said yeah i am i dont wanna talk about etc. She told me to come next wednesday but i'm not going because i dont want anymore judging me for not progessing. Yeah i know im not perfect... A day to forget really... 

I feel more ceratin that everyone's against me the entire world is. I feel that im more certain to commit suicide because i do deserve it. I'm fed up people ignoring me, talkong that way and these problems interfereing, so i feel if i die then i will die in peace... he wont talk to me (<3) oh well then that gives me another reason to do it. Also i checked his facebook and i saw a photo with a other girl and a person commented 'must be getting serious' which reveals that their making progess. It hurt to it which means i have even lesser chance ti be with him. How am i go to school now and look at him? Seriously i just wanna die, even my tears are starting to come, sooner or later i will cry.

As you may see i'm not very inspirational today maybe tomorrow, i will leave you another song.

http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=5anLPw0Efmo 

Today is a day too forget, i feel asleep in the morning. I had no counceller because she was absent. I saw him .... in lesson and nearly walked into him. We havent talked for ages :( i miss thoughs timez, i feel loke revealing the emotion to him... i dont know i just feel like no should derseve me. I felt like if my counceller wasnt there maybe it was she hated me for telling her about the weight. Or maybe she felt to herself ahe dint wasnt to talk to me know more because she knew it was yet to come about my secret i dont know reasons and reasons got inside my head. But i felt maybe i shouldnt reveal it to her because i was going to today and on the way i felt what words i should use but once i reached the room it was pointless she wasnt there... A year 7 boy ran in to me and of ciurse i didnt say anything because im shy and quiet and not brave to speak up. This girl told me something well shes my friend but not she not my age i knew her from parents friends. She told me that this boy asked her what year i was? And she told him i was in year 11, he didnt believe it because him and some year 7's thoight i was in year 7 just because im small... seriously its not my fault and including to this my doctor said i was at normal average of height and weight. So ... but still i feel i should lose more weight for those reasons i told you... Today i dont feel that inspired to quote so i will leave you with a song instead.

http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=ij_0p_6qTss 

Today, i saw him once more, but no reaction i looked away everythime i saw time it was diffcult but i managed it until.. he entered the room and walked passed i looked at him, with thoughs emotions in my mind that i feel for him... however i did talk to childline today and i find it useful but still you feel the same way. Also i have my counseller to see tomorrow in school, i want to reveal my secret but i feel that nervous, guilty, worriness, etc, coming back. I need to find the courage and tell her this ain't good for me. I have been having thoughs thoughts in mind, you know ending life thoughts, but i havent made any plans for them yet. If i could find of way of not getting found out, of me planning it then i would maybe one day. Maybe that day is yet to come, i dont see the point in life really i dont even care if i get killed, or punched or bullyed whatever, if i do then i do deserve it since i have suffered in the past and am during my present but will deffenitly suffer more in the future.

Quote: "If you feel like your in a bad mood today, don't let that affect you think of the good things that you've lived during your life, the moments, the memories, think of those who adore you - friends and family, they are one of the reasons which deserve you and make you be the real and special person."

Once again, he came in mind... but today i talked to childline. I feel that i only have childline. Childline is the one thats always there for me. And understand me. Of course i have my dear friend that i met from the internet. And i thank her for everything she's done for me. Even childline agreed with me too right a book like my lovely friend from the internet did have that in mind. Maybe i will... but i need to find how it works. How will i publish it? Everything. Not only i want to do this for me, and let people know what i suffered. But also i want to help those who have or are suffering like the same or simular things that i've suffered. Maybe i will with the age i ahve now or maybe later in time when i feel good and feel better about myself and made those problems go away to not interfer in my life.

Quote: "Let the sunshine in your life, and bring you go things, try not to let that darkness in, though it might destroy everything including your happiness."

Yesturday i looked myself in thr mirror and said to my self i'm pretty. And i managed to accept it dont know why but i did. However i said this with clothes on, but the hard part is yet to come without clothes on, because of what happened to me in school and the other serious problem that i yet haven't revealed. But i do believe that i will get there. If i was able to do this, then i will one day progess and succeed to believe that i am pretty. But not at the moment i dont feel yet perfect to say and believe that. 

This links me to say: "That little by little i will reach the target, and progress to suceed in life."