Today was better that it has been, he was in school, and every time I passed a place he normally would be I would wish/hope inside my head that he wouldn't be there. And he wasn't, even when I went to his room to have a lesson in with another teacher, but no sign of him. To me it's a good thing, it helps a little to not see him, although I do think of him it's better than nothing :/ but eventually I will stop loving him (I hope). However, today I had the appointment at the doctor. I told her everything, that need to be told, but I feel like it's the right time to tell my counsellor, this Thursday coming. I feel better than always, better than when I talked to my teacher and head of year, and the priest at confession. Because she talked in so delicate, of course the other people did too but she did it differently, of away of making me feel comfortable in saying it. Told her about the bulling, the serious problem, the issues in losing weight, the issue that's been occurring related about that I'm been losing hair from roots of my head. The issue of the person I'm met online and so on. She's made an appointment for next Tuesday. She did always mention, in talking to my counsellor, for certain reasons, but prefer not to say. Thursday hoping that she will be there, and I'll have the courage in talking to her. Today a girl, got on my stop for the bus it was awkward for me because she never gets on that stop, we said hi and how are you. But nothing else. I looked down with my head covering, and thinking to my self whilst listening to music, I wish I was perfect as her, pretty, having friends and so on. I really like her and I wish I was her friend, she's one of my idols, because whenever I'm upset and cry she will go near me and give m a hug. I love her hugs, I love her words "everything will get better, it will be alright." But at the moment I believe it won't maybe in future I will. She does also asks me if I want to talk, but of course I don't, because of course I've lost the trust in everyone for what's happened to me (linking to serious problem).

However, today's quote is: ''Everything will get better,  you just have to believe, and for those who believe everything will become possible always.''

Today was a forgettable day. I felt positive today when I got too school, I even started a conversation but only once. I said hello and the girl said hello (name) you seem happier today and I replied yeah  yeah I do, but inside you know what it's like, its completely different to the opinion from the outside. But oh well, it's life. Saw him, felt good inside but in outside I felt I wish I didn't see him, this isn't going to be easy to forget him, especially because I see him single day. Normally, everything seems impossible when really it isn't, but here we go I have a battle to fight through. I read in front, of the class 2 times, it felt s awkward, for me and I felt people were laughed at me because there were a few giggles after I read... I've been called small again :/ seriously I think its not my fault for being small. Yesterday I said that the suicidal thoughts went away, but unfortunately them came back again. Seriously, I'm beginning to think I deserve all this.... In school I even talked to 1-2 teachers one of them even asked me questions and me too them, and that teacher asked if I was ok and how was school, and of course I lied I was ok and school was fine, when really it's the completely opposite. Tomorrow, it's the doctor's appointment I'm so worried, and I don't even know where to start from to tell the doctor, but I reckon that she will ask questions and it will make a lot easier I guess. Let's see how it goes, just have to think positively.

Today's quote is: '' That moment when you think everything is ok at that promise moment, and then something/ a special obstacle comes along and destroys everything. But all you have to do is maintain firm and think positive, and not let anything destroy your happiness."

Wasn't able to come yesterday...but it went alright I guess, no problems no nothing, but one thing I haven't told you yet but I haven't been weighing myself on the balance thing, is that a good thing? But one think I do always every single day, is look at myself carefully in the mirror and see if I've got any fatter or anything else. I think that my legs are fatter at the moment, but then after a while when I go to town, I think they look perfect. I look always the glass of the shops' windows and see them as perfect but at home that doesn't seem to be the case often. Tomorrow's another day of school, let's see how it goes :/ today nothing much happening, just revising for exams coming up soon. And yet still visiting parent's friends because their new daughter has been born today. Don't feel like going, but have to go unfortunately. Not much to say today, but one thing I can tell you is that those suicidal thoughts have gone away, they haven't bee inside my mind for along time (about 3-4 days roughly).

Today's quote: "Live freely, by learning from yesterday, living today and hoping for tomorrow to happen."

Today went ok. I made a progess i think. I started a conversation but didnt say hello i started it another way. But only did it once. I am able to talk to people if they speak to me but its alot effort for me to be able to make for me to actually start a conversation but i manged to do it well kind of. The person did say one or two thing to me but then after a moment when i replyed to her i asked her a question and she answers back and chatted about another thing or two. I didnt manage to start it but i managed to progress the conversation and contiune it. Is that a good thing? I think ive changed my mind about next week, i think that i will go and see my teacher on wednesday, but worried about what she might say or the way she may speak to me. Scared to think that she may think that i haven't progressed enough.... oh well i shall wait and see. 

Today i saw him but wirh less hate, but i still love him and i have a long journery to proclaim to be able to forget him. But i think i'm able to do it. But today i did the usual as you know what i do everyday relating to him in morning and afternon or even during school.

However today's quote is: ''Once again, if build that smile and achieve all your gaols, then everthing will be easier and possible to fight through a battle and win your objectives."

Not much happening today. No suicidal thoughts, but do plan to do it not maybe now by later in life if anything gets worse. I sae him and i did and as usually. Check if his car was there before and after school. This is getting really obsitive i need to stop and forget him. He has someone on his life and im suffering enough to know that from yesturday. I must not suffer no more or should i? I feel hate, and upset from outside but inside its the complete opposite. I love him and im happy for him to exist in my life but really he doesnt. And this is another battle to fight throught and try and win in the end... 

Today's quote is: "Smile always and be sad less. One day a smile will grow and you will see the good in life. Instead of the bad. Smile and live freely forever and one step at a time to build that real you."

I hate life, seriously today another bad day. I went to talk with my teacher like she said to last week. And guess what it destroyed my day. She was very harsh, asking if i made progress in doing something in makong friends, keeping the past in the past and i said no. And she said that she wont help me because then we aint moving and u are just making no progess and thats wasting my time. That hurt alot. Well if she dosent want to help then why be that person to lissten to problems and help people... we talked and in end she said to start of by saying hello she said its easy but it isnt. She wont understand how i feel. Because she hasnt gone through what i have. :'( seriously it made me cry i cryed and cryed. These people asked me if i was ok i said yeah i am i dont wanna talk about etc. She told me to come next wednesday but i'm not going because i dont want anymore judging me for not progessing. Yeah i know im not perfect... A day to forget really... 

I feel more ceratin that everyone's against me the entire world is. I feel that im more certain to commit suicide because i do deserve it. I'm fed up people ignoring me, talkong that way and these problems interfereing, so i feel if i die then i will die in peace... he wont talk to me (<3) oh well then that gives me another reason to do it. Also i checked his facebook and i saw a photo with a other girl and a person commented 'must be getting serious' which reveals that their making progess. It hurt to it which means i have even lesser chance ti be with him. How am i go to school now and look at him? Seriously i just wanna die, even my tears are starting to come, sooner or later i will cry.

As you may see i'm not very inspirational today maybe tomorrow, i will leave you another song.

http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=5anLPw0Efmo 

Today is a day too forget, i feel asleep in the morning. I had no counceller because she was absent. I saw him .... in lesson and nearly walked into him. We havent talked for ages :( i miss thoughs timez, i feel loke revealing the emotion to him... i dont know i just feel like no should derseve me. I felt like if my counceller wasnt there maybe it was she hated me for telling her about the weight. Or maybe she felt to herself ahe dint wasnt to talk to me know more because she knew it was yet to come about my secret i dont know reasons and reasons got inside my head. But i felt maybe i shouldnt reveal it to her because i was going to today and on the way i felt what words i should use but once i reached the room it was pointless she wasnt there... A year 7 boy ran in to me and of ciurse i didnt say anything because im shy and quiet and not brave to speak up. This girl told me something well shes my friend but not she not my age i knew her from parents friends. She told me that this boy asked her what year i was? And she told him i was in year 11, he didnt believe it because him and some year 7's thoight i was in year 7 just because im small... seriously its not my fault and including to this my doctor said i was at normal average of height and weight. So ... but still i feel i should lose more weight for those reasons i told you... Today i dont feel that inspired to quote so i will leave you with a song instead.

http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=ij_0p_6qTss