Today, i saw him once more, but no reaction i looked away everythime i saw time it was diffcult but i managed it until.. he entered the room and walked passed i looked at him, with thoughs emotions in my mind that i feel for him... however i did talk to childline today and i find it useful but still you feel the same way. Also i have my counseller to see tomorrow in school, i want to reveal my secret but i feel that nervous, guilty, worriness, etc, coming back. I need to find the courage and tell her this ain't good for me. I have been having thoughs thoughts in mind, you know ending life thoughts, but i havent made any plans for them yet. If i could find of way of not getting found out, of me planning it then i would maybe one day. Maybe that day is yet to come, i dont see the point in life really i dont even care if i get killed, or punched or bullyed whatever, if i do then i do deserve it since i have suffered in the past and am during my present but will deffenitly suffer more in the future.

Quote: "If you feel like your in a bad mood today, don't let that affect you think of the good things that you've lived during your life, the moments, the memories, think of those who adore you - friends and family, they are one of the reasons which deserve you and make you be the real and special person."

Once again, he came in mind... but today i talked to childline. I feel that i only have childline. Childline is the one thats always there for me. And understand me. Of course i have my dear friend that i met from the internet. And i thank her for everything she's done for me. Even childline agreed with me too right a book like my lovely friend from the internet did have that in mind. Maybe i will... but i need to find how it works. How will i publish it? Everything. Not only i want to do this for me, and let people know what i suffered. But also i want to help those who have or are suffering like the same or simular things that i've suffered. Maybe i will with the age i ahve now or maybe later in time when i feel good and feel better about myself and made those problems go away to not interfer in my life.

Quote: "Let the sunshine in your life, and bring you go things, try not to let that darkness in, though it might destroy everything including your happiness."

Yesturday i looked myself in thr mirror and said to my self i'm pretty. And i managed to accept it dont know why but i did. However i said this with clothes on, but the hard part is yet to come without clothes on, because of what happened to me in school and the other serious problem that i yet haven't revealed. But i do believe that i will get there. If i was able to do this, then i will one day progess and succeed to believe that i am pretty. But not at the moment i dont feel yet perfect to say and believe that. 

This links me to say: "That little by little i will reach the target, and progress to suceed in life."

Today, he wouldn't stop coming to my mind. Do i really love him? Hum... the probelm is that nothing is ever gonna happen between me and him. Thats one of the things that hurt me. Another is that im in year 11 and is the last year at school, so its the last time i'll see him. That hurts me too because i wont see him no more.

An idea has came in mind. Which is to write a letter to him and and give to him not now, but on the last day of school, the last day i see him. On that letter i would right everything that i feel for him and everthing, and maybe i would sign my name or maybe i could keep it secretive. However, also im having in mind to write my number, because i will miss him so much that i would love to keep in contact with him, but i dont know yet. What do you think? 

Today's quote is: "No matter what happens, never feel guilty about something you've done, at least you tried your best to make things better..."

Today... well i not much happening but at forst i got upset because i had noticed that he wasn't in school. That made me miss him even more. As the day was passing along, on the last lesson the door suddenly appeared and i looked at there he was :D i
that brought my smile straight away. But of course i had to hide it because it would be or make it obvious that i like him. Yes it is, i like a teacher, i've fell in love with him. But the problem is i have a less chance that something will happen for defenitly. Also i will suffer more including this to my problems knowing that its impossible for me and him to stay forever together. But no one chooses the person we fall in love with... 

However i'm getting woried on my eating, i believe that i'm getting fatter and fatter :( the reason im changing is to attract people to like me and be friends with me since i have no friends in school. I spend the time on my own, no one to talk to... and as a result i do this to try and be like them pretty, perfect and maybe tbey will like me that way. And if they dont like me yet maybe im not perfect enough and need to carry on going. Losing weight of course. Another reason is to feel well confortable about myself, and of course to be healthier... that it for today i guess.

Today's post links: "If you really want something to happen, then fight for it to make it become true. Never give up o n your dreams and wishes." 

Today, i saw him but lets not talk about today, maybe another time. However, today i had pyscology at school. I talked to her about things that happened during the holidays up untill today. The suicidal thoughts, the doctor appointment that i had this week and a few other things. She told me alot, asking me questions about it. Untill it got one that touched me. Which was about the period. And she told me that doctors ask that if there are regular or not. And if they're not then it leeds to either being pregrant or lost to much weight. 

At knew that but then she told me if the weight problem was the issue, then it could leeds to serious problems. Such as in future it can stop you from having children. I never knew that was the case, of course i want to have children in future but i dont want this stopping me from doing that. Of course we talked about few more things, but i think i'm in that endless road with no exit. No way to escape/to resolve these problems.

Today's quote is: "Always think first, before you act and say something that in future time you'd wished you never said."

Sister's birthday was today... loved sharing smiles and a special moment on this special day for her. 'Love you sister, your my everything...' But food gets involved and i get scared of eating, worried to eat to much and worried that this entire thing happening might be discovered one day. 

I weighed myself today and i was huh... yesturday at the doctors i weighed 53kg and now i weigh 46-47kg (i checked before eating but after i didnt worried what the kg would go up to). I was supprised like how could it, either it is right or something is being presented wrong, i think my balance is wrong. 

My weight cant be that low yet... i wish it was but its probably not and i need to lose more weight. I think i'm still fat and overweight but one thing that i had in mind today and yesturday. Is the suidicidual thoughts have came back in mind, i have didnt types of ideas to commit suicide, but the problem is is that i'm not brave enough to do it. Which means i'm weak and useless.

Today's quote reflexcts on: 

"A smile isn't always what makes us happy and shows that we are happy, but it is at least something and its better than nothing, never give up on trying and yes do search for your happiness, because happiness does exist. One day it will appear to you and will.make you the most happiest person ever in the entire world."