Yesturday, nothing much happened untill it got till night. Had a conversation woth cousin, her boyfriend and my friend. It got to apoint where we were all talking and then suddenly he owns up and admits his feelings (my friend, who was my ex boyfriend). He admitted that he still loved me and all that. And all this time he'd been lieing by saying that he only saw me as a friend because thats how i saw him. My cousin and her boyfriend were convienced that i still felt something for him by the way i walking with him as sweet and kind and all that. In the end, he asked me out and i accepted it. I am still worried of what happened in the past might happen once again and that me and him suffer but more intirely him. Because i have made him suffer in the past for personal reasons. I was so happy and smily when he said those lovely things to me. Today i feel so happy, cheerful and when i don't speak to him i miss him loads. I seems like an entire time. When he pops up i smile straight away. I'm so happy to be with him, but in the same worried and scared. I'm just going to take things calmly this time and see how it goes. For the moment i wont tell my parents i want to keep it secretive. Tuesday i have the appoinment, lets see how it goes. Hope the way i want it to go like. Tomorrow is another day and lets see how it goes.
Inspired song for today is: http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=CAjKZJarlwk
Sunday, 1 February 2015
Friday, 30 January 2015
Today was a good day, i have to say. Saw him with no probblems even though i still like him but i am lossing the habit of seeing if his car is there or anything else that relates to him when i get to school and leave school. Had assembly with him and my year, went alright i guess, for my first lesson i had it in his room and guess what i realised during half through the lesson... the candle i gave him on his desk, and he had already used it i was so happy from the inside, thinking that at least my thoughts were wrong that he gave the candle to somebody else or even through it in the bin. But no i has it and that made me feel good.
After that had normal day like usual untill it got to science asked again if i could sit next to that girl i like and her other friend and they accepted me. Still no conversation made. However when it got to ending the lesson they went on about prom and got to the point that they tried to persuade me too go, because they recone i should go even though i dont want to. They even tried to make the teacher's involvement to persaude me. I wanna go but at the same time i dont... i dont know i will see untill next week. I still need to right her the card to thank her.
Once it reached lunch and i got my lunch i went to find a table to sit at but they were nearlly all full, i got to the table where that girl and some other people from my year were and i sat at their table and asked if i could sit there and i did. One or three words spoken but then no more conversations made.
At the end of the day as i was walking to the bus and entered it inside and gave the bus driver my ticket, i heard 2-3 girls saying bye (name) and i replyed bye and smiled. Didnt see who it was but i was so happy havent heard that kind of message for a long time, since the last time i did have friends but now i dont for no specific reason that i am aware of. But i want to build that friendship again with real and honest people and deserve my happiness and my friendly gift to them.
Quote for today: ''If things seem that their intirely progressing, carry on and you will reach your target. But if you haven't reached that stage, just maintain to fight for your happiness, by sooner or later you will make the first step."
After that had normal day like usual untill it got to science asked again if i could sit next to that girl i like and her other friend and they accepted me. Still no conversation made. However when it got to ending the lesson they went on about prom and got to the point that they tried to persuade me too go, because they recone i should go even though i dont want to. They even tried to make the teacher's involvement to persaude me. I wanna go but at the same time i dont... i dont know i will see untill next week. I still need to right her the card to thank her.
Once it reached lunch and i got my lunch i went to find a table to sit at but they were nearlly all full, i got to the table where that girl and some other people from my year were and i sat at their table and asked if i could sit there and i did. One or three words spoken but then no more conversations made.
At the end of the day as i was walking to the bus and entered it inside and gave the bus driver my ticket, i heard 2-3 girls saying bye (name) and i replyed bye and smiled. Didnt see who it was but i was so happy havent heard that kind of message for a long time, since the last time i did have friends but now i dont for no specific reason that i am aware of. But i want to build that friendship again with real and honest people and deserve my happiness and my friendly gift to them.
Quote for today: ''If things seem that their intirely progressing, carry on and you will reach your target. But if you haven't reached that stage, just maintain to fight for your happiness, by sooner or later you will make the first step."
Thursday, 29 January 2015
Today was really meh day. Not bad not good it was alright. Thoughts about prom going in my mind to whether or not if i should go. But i will think about it i have only at least two weeks to decide i think. I am planning to go but the issues come back again... talked to my teacher about my new progesses made, and the story about the prom. She thinks that i should go, its a special day and all that but also she recanes that it would be a good stay to build the relationship of us being friend or even leading to best friends. But i dont know, i didnt thank her i was stupid i know, and i told her this and she recones also to right her a thankful letter and to give it to her for inviting me. But im not brave enough to give it to her, so she sugessted me to give it to the teacher and she would pass it to her and have a talk about it. And i prefer it that way.
However, first thing in the morning before all that happened in at lunch, i was still think about prom, and the girl i love talking to, thought i was upset i was indeed inside, she gave me 2 hugs and and said i love you twice too but at different times of course. I loved those words i smiled but saddness came. I loved those hugs, as she makes me hold on the problems and keep them hidden but when she lets go it reappears.
Today i felt like i was out of breath for a while like 5-10 miuntes and i was breathing like repeatly and like deeply slowly like always. But now it has calmed down. I have looked myself in the mirror and start realizing that i look very slim. I need to put 1 or 2 kg on to look better not too much but i dont want look too slim aswell
Saw him, was hard to have to deal with it, but i managed it. However i do believe i will forget him as to loving him, and i think i'm getting there. Sooner or later i will make it.
Today's quote: "Love one another, Recpect and Care for one another as you would want to be loved and treated."
However, first thing in the morning before all that happened in at lunch, i was still think about prom, and the girl i love talking to, thought i was upset i was indeed inside, she gave me 2 hugs and and said i love you twice too but at different times of course. I loved those words i smiled but saddness came. I loved those hugs, as she makes me hold on the problems and keep them hidden but when she lets go it reappears.
Today i felt like i was out of breath for a while like 5-10 miuntes and i was breathing like repeatly and like deeply slowly like always. But now it has calmed down. I have looked myself in the mirror and start realizing that i look very slim. I need to put 1 or 2 kg on to look better not too much but i dont want look too slim aswell
Saw him, was hard to have to deal with it, but i managed it. However i do believe i will forget him as to loving him, and i think i'm getting there. Sooner or later i will make it.
Today's quote: "Love one another, Recpect and Care for one another as you would want to be loved and treated."
Wednesday, 28 January 2015
Today was super good. I went to school with confidence enough to think i'm going to have a good day. And i did indeed, there was a trip going i was going on it but then i gave up, because i didnt need it because it involved to look around college and see what to choose to study next year. But i know already. Even if i didnt i'm glad i didnt go, because guess who was on it... Yes he was so which ment i didnt have to see him during the day, yeah i did see him but when he was gone i didnt have too... However as i was going to science i made a progess, got the laptop to do research, and the girl i like or in case i love alot to talk to was there, and i was waiting for the right time to ask. Eventually i did and went to ask if i could sit next to her and she said yeah of course you can (name). I smiled and she did too, i was so happy to be accepted but also a progess made. Didn't talk as usual but i was brave to ask for the first time during lesson time. Another progess that i shouls make is to start talking whilst i'm sitting next to them, i do a few times but often when they talk to me, maybe i should develop and start more conversations and talk more when i'm sitting with people. Did say a
hello and reponded to people that talked to me today, but no expanding conversation made.
However, when it was lunch, i went to get something to eat i sat down, and meanwhile guess who appeared? The two girls i sat next to in lesson with their other friend that i talked once or twice during form time. They sat on my table and said hello all of them, and i said hello back. But then again no conversations made. I need to progess more. And i do believe that i will. after i left, didnt say anything, i feel bad to have not done.
But then i went to find that teacher that set me the targets but she wasn't in, i will have to see her tomorrow. During PE which was the last lesson, i got entered to join the same girl's group as i did on monday. I accepeted, and we won all the games. But hat dont matter to me, the importance is that they allowed me in and not excluding me out...
However, after i got changed that girl who invited me to the team, talked to me to see if i was ok and all that untill it got to the conversation about prom.... but then the bell went and it was time to go.
I still feel that i shouldn't go, because of many reasons. One of them being left out. Not having people to talk to. Not being invited - yes i was invited by these 2 girls but i'm worried that they may forget when it gets to the time. I feel unwanted to the prom. Worriness by people making fun of me in varies ways espeacilly for what i might wear. Another reason to the journey back home, and having no one to take me, parents dont have car so i would have to take a taxi. But i dont really like that idea especially because the prom ends at 23:30, and i hate the car and having to be on my own in a taxi. But let's see how it goes i will talk to my teacher i would love to her opinion to the situation and how i think of it but also the progess being made too.
Today's quote: "Let there light in life, and never let darkness in, for it will cover all the postive and bring negative."
hello and reponded to people that talked to me today, but no expanding conversation made.
However, when it was lunch, i went to get something to eat i sat down, and meanwhile guess who appeared? The two girls i sat next to in lesson with their other friend that i talked once or twice during form time. They sat on my table and said hello all of them, and i said hello back. But then again no conversations made. I need to progess more. And i do believe that i will. after i left, didnt say anything, i feel bad to have not done.
But then i went to find that teacher that set me the targets but she wasn't in, i will have to see her tomorrow. During PE which was the last lesson, i got entered to join the same girl's group as i did on monday. I accepeted, and we won all the games. But hat dont matter to me, the importance is that they allowed me in and not excluding me out...
However, after i got changed that girl who invited me to the team, talked to me to see if i was ok and all that untill it got to the conversation about prom.... but then the bell went and it was time to go.
I still feel that i shouldn't go, because of many reasons. One of them being left out. Not having people to talk to. Not being invited - yes i was invited by these 2 girls but i'm worried that they may forget when it gets to the time. I feel unwanted to the prom. Worriness by people making fun of me in varies ways espeacilly for what i might wear. Another reason to the journey back home, and having no one to take me, parents dont have car so i would have to take a taxi. But i dont really like that idea especially because the prom ends at 23:30, and i hate the car and having to be on my own in a taxi. But let's see how it goes i will talk to my teacher i would love to her opinion to the situation and how i think of it but also the progess being made too.
Today's quote: "Let there light in life, and never let darkness in, for it will cover all the postive and bring negative."
Tuesday, 27 January 2015
Today went super good until it got later in the evening but still am ok. Got to school, no sign of him and his car but when i was the end of break i was going to see my counceller, i saw his car. I was so disappointed because i thought he wasnt in but he was. Still good inside but but outside i have to forget him. However had a talk with my counceller told her my new progessing made, the chat i had yesturday with the girl from PE and one or two others. I was happy no tears came down :/ but we got to a point in the end where i think i have to work on to progess more.
As the session finished i was walking to my next lesson, i was finishing my 3D model in science whilst others were finishing theirs. And these to girls came a long, stared at me for a while untill they asked me what they wanted. They asked me if i wanted to go to prom with them and some few other girls in a lemozine (sorry for spelling). I said i wasnt going to go, didnt tell them why but the reason for it our others making fun of me of what i'm waering like last time and having no one too talk to. When i said no and see said oh ok this boy said (name) your not going? I said no and nodded. I cant remeber no more all i remember is this and i remembered everyone continuing with their models. Bell went for lunch. Had lunch, form and lessons.
During last lesson, i had the lesson in his room. Saw his car once again, and saw him for the second time because i did already see him in the morning but did not look at him but i knew he was there by his voice anf by me passing him. However no sign made from him, no speaking no nothing. Upseting but maybe this will make me forget him even more. But i do miss him so much :(
However, got to the stage where i went for the appointment. Waited and waited until i was called. Talk about the serious problem and the friend online i met online. She still feels i'm at risk from what happened to me and or might happen again. She's worried me meeting up with this person because of the serious problem and how it kind of links with it not much but a bit. She does want to tell my parents but im not prepared for their reaction, and if she does that i wont speak to her no more, and self - harm or even commit suicide. I know it's not the end of the world but i want to avoid them worrying about me and protect them and not let them get involved. Also i am worried for their reaction, might be the same as too what i'm accepting shouting, angry, dissappointment and could or could not lead to worst maybe. So if she plans to do that i will start self-harming again seriously.
Tomorrow i have a talk with the teacher at lunchtime to tell her my progess like always. Next tuesday another appointment with the doctor and next thurday talk with the counceler. Progess made today yeah, i started a conversation and extended it a bit not a lot but a bit.
Today i will leave you with a song:-https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=AnMP1oqPTto
As the session finished i was walking to my next lesson, i was finishing my 3D model in science whilst others were finishing theirs. And these to girls came a long, stared at me for a while untill they asked me what they wanted. They asked me if i wanted to go to prom with them and some few other girls in a lemozine (sorry for spelling). I said i wasnt going to go, didnt tell them why but the reason for it our others making fun of me of what i'm waering like last time and having no one too talk to. When i said no and see said oh ok this boy said (name) your not going? I said no and nodded. I cant remeber no more all i remember is this and i remembered everyone continuing with their models. Bell went for lunch. Had lunch, form and lessons.
During last lesson, i had the lesson in his room. Saw his car once again, and saw him for the second time because i did already see him in the morning but did not look at him but i knew he was there by his voice anf by me passing him. However no sign made from him, no speaking no nothing. Upseting but maybe this will make me forget him even more. But i do miss him so much :(
However, got to the stage where i went for the appointment. Waited and waited until i was called. Talk about the serious problem and the friend online i met online. She still feels i'm at risk from what happened to me and or might happen again. She's worried me meeting up with this person because of the serious problem and how it kind of links with it not much but a bit. She does want to tell my parents but im not prepared for their reaction, and if she does that i wont speak to her no more, and self - harm or even commit suicide. I know it's not the end of the world but i want to avoid them worrying about me and protect them and not let them get involved. Also i am worried for their reaction, might be the same as too what i'm accepting shouting, angry, dissappointment and could or could not lead to worst maybe. So if she plans to do that i will start self-harming again seriously.
Tomorrow i have a talk with the teacher at lunchtime to tell her my progess like always. Next tuesday another appointment with the doctor and next thurday talk with the counceler. Progess made today yeah, i started a conversation and extended it a bit not a lot but a bit.
Today i will leave you with a song:-https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=AnMP1oqPTto
Monday, 26 January 2015
Good news today. Talked more today than yesturday. During form time i got asked to sit next to these girls and i did (yeah i said yes and not no an achievement made). Start conversation 1 or 2 times today. I talked to this one or two girls and grew the conversation my extending it. No sign of him today, he wasn't in school. Good thing that happened which ment i wouldn't to deal with the problem to face mim. But that other part of me missed him and he did come to my mind again. One other secret is hidden that i haven't yet revealed. not today maybe tomorrow or another time. Alots of secrets are yet still waiting to be shared, but will be shared at the right time. Tomorrow counceller and doctor's appointment and lets see how it goes. Have yet really achieved my challenge that was set last week, but i do believe i will make it. Did it once, but once isn't enough. Today was the perfect day that i ever had that i havent had for ages. Hope tomorrow goes well too.
Today quote: " Everyone is born for a reason, but everyone knows that there will be and end of life to die. So please live ypur life freely and happy, lets not get affected by those who don't deserve our sadness, but do deserve our happiness - the people who love and care for us - family and friends. "
Today quote: " Everyone is born for a reason, but everyone knows that there will be and end of life to die. So please live ypur life freely and happy, lets not get affected by those who don't deserve our sadness, but do deserve our happiness - the people who love and care for us - family and friends. "
Sunday, 25 January 2015
Weekend has been calmful. I do believe that i am progessing better than before. Tuesday doctor's appointment and a talk with my counceller in school. Today i took many pictures of my self to then im the end compare one and another to chose the best one. I choose it and putted it on my social media site. Got comments saying beautiful and pretty.
Although those people said that, i kind of believe it a bit, but i only think that way with make up on. As if that make up was some kind of mask hiding my identity and my uglyness away and showing what makes me feel confortable and less ugly and more of a tiny bit beautiful.
However i do have a big journey to go through and succeed for my happiness in life. Tomorrow is another day of school and lets see how it goes, hope to make more progess once again. Yesturday revision done. Today more revision to be done again. Keeping busy really helps me keep problems away but sometImes that problems come back again. But i manage to keep and maintaim them away.
Today's quote: "One progress is done, one step you've moved, but still there are more steps to take untill you reach your destiny for your life to suceed HAPPINESS."
Although those people said that, i kind of believe it a bit, but i only think that way with make up on. As if that make up was some kind of mask hiding my identity and my uglyness away and showing what makes me feel confortable and less ugly and more of a tiny bit beautiful.
However i do have a big journey to go through and succeed for my happiness in life. Tomorrow is another day of school and lets see how it goes, hope to make more progess once again. Yesturday revision done. Today more revision to be done again. Keeping busy really helps me keep problems away but sometImes that problems come back again. But i manage to keep and maintaim them away.
Today's quote: "One progress is done, one step you've moved, but still there are more steps to take untill you reach your destiny for your life to suceed HAPPINESS."
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