Saturday 25th july, at night spent it with boyfriend and a few memebers of my family at a party. Only me and him know what happened, itimate close up, went on a ride, with him and his friend. And more stuff happened at that night, kisses, intense bits, hugs, and holding hands and more few bits. But i saw my antie, i was holding hands, i let it go once i noticed her, i talked go her and everything. But then i went worried that she might tell my uncle, and my uncle may pass it on to my dad, which both him and my mother don't know about our relatipnship. I panicked. later that night when the night was over to go home i gave him one last kiss and hug and went home. (Alot happened that night). Sunday 26th July, was a decisive day, it was everthing or nothing. The day had reached early, time passed, more worriness, panicking and being nervous happened. Untill i received a call from dad, and i told him to pass to my mother i told her and the way she talked it seemed that she had accepted the relationship, but then when she passed it to my dad i manage to confess it to him. He said horrible things, that i didn't like hearing but it's life 😢😳😔 i will have to wait for tomorrow, and let him and give him time to think carefully. And wait untill he next calls me, possibly tomorrow. Hope to receive good news. Because i dont want to lose my baby, he's everthing for me. But if he countines to not accept him, it's not because of him not accepting that i will permit for the relationship to end. Yes i might not have all the courage, to take that further step, but i will gain it and fight against everyone and everthing, to maintain with the boy i love with all my love. <3

Yesterday, 20th of July i was with my boyfriend, and it was an incredible but a very incredible day. Lot of fun was on, throwing water, massages on back was given. More intense kisses and touches were given. until i managed to take his t-shirt off him. and allowing him to touch me calmly and not brutally, and disrespecting my decision to go fast and going further in steps, that i didn't want to. He respects me, and day by day i believe that he will be the man of my life. I love him so strongly, that i can't imagine my life with out him. The whole evening was spent with him, from 3/4 pm until 6 pm. Because he had to go with his friend home at that time. I went to the river, had a swim with cousin and a few of her friends. This week that passed by i met new people and made new friends, and was the day on Monday to spend time with boyfriend, but of course the weekend and the Monday the days to spend more time with cousin the side of my dad's family that i'm not that close, i loved it and i would like to repeat it. I also went out at night with them, at a party, and went on the rides. But during that weekend, and on-wards, I've been receiving threats from a telephone number that i don't know who it is, saying that my dad will know everything, but i don't know what the number is on about. And i'm worried it relates to my past, to my big secret, my big fear. But my boyfriend believes it's not, its something to do with me and him, because he did, also say that my dad will know what i'm doing here (the place i am to spend holidays, because i came earlier). So he believes its something to do with me and him. And i'm more decisive to really tell him and me and him go out, that we are boyfriend and girlfriend. But my fear is that if he doesn't accept it, and goes for me not seeing him or even speaking to him again. My mother will definitely accept it, i believe it that but father is harder, because he creates films in his mind that: i'm to young to have a boyfriend, what if he will make you suffer, those kind of things. But he will never do that, i'm super happy with him, and day by day i believe and trust in him, and know that he will always be there, when i most need help. Every time i'm feeling low, he can always cheer me up, and make my smile grow and make it last long enough.

Today it's a special day for me and my boy, because today it's 2 months that i met him across the internet. But also it's getting closer to day 7 which it's a special day, because it will make 1 month since all this relationship all started. Day 5th of July, i still remember was the day i first met him personally, and on the 5th of august will be a 1 month since that day occurred. I'm super happy, and i couldn't be more happier than ever. 

Have been happier like never, with my boy. Last night, we spoke honestly that i landed on our biggest secret. He told me his, and i have planned the other day to tell him, but i wasn't brave enough to speak up, but i did yesterday. I gave all my trust on him, and now he knows. But if he speaks it out my life ends completely. But i believe in him and he promised not to tell anyone. He didn't judge me, he gave me all his respect and caring to cheer me up as my tears was running down my eyes. But as this blog is anonymously i will confess my secret here and now:

It all started in the summer when finished primary school, and I had few friends, but I wanted more friends. And I wanted more until I added people who I didn't know at all. Until it came to a boy who seemed an age of 18, 19, 20, something like that. But I was about 10-11. We talked on MSN chat, he called me, beautiful, princess and everything ... until it got to the point, in that he wanted something more from me ... He wanted me to take my clothes off on web. I refused, and he stopped talking to me, Until it came to a day that I missed him, and went back to talk to him. But he only spoke to me if I did what he wanted. Until it came to me having courage and did it, I felt I could trust him but it took it in steps slowly, like levels and he accepted. Level 1 one lifted her skirt and showed my bottom but with panties. He then wanted the top Level 2 i put my skirt  down, I took the sweater, with taking my bra down, and covered the breasts with his hands making strange movements. Then dressed the whole top again. We reached the level 3 he wanted me to be completely naked, but I didn't want to, it make me feel less comfortable. I made up stories, like for example that my parents were coming, that was honestly the truth, I then invented some more excuses. But he pressed me until it got to the point that he threatened me and said that if I don't do what he wants then he would put the images on the internet, on YouTube. But at the start he had promised that he wouldn't do that. I trusted him, but now he threatens me... He continued to insist, until I got to a point and made a decision, which was blocking him, and i did it... I never heard more of him anymore. My fear is still that he has put the images on YouTube, my fear is that it can happen all the same again, it wouldn't happen again, but you never know it can happen by someone forcing me to do it, or something similar. My fear is that someone discovering my big secret. My greatest fear and that if someone finds out included my parents, my life will definitely end, and I say this for the deep truth.

My boy didn't judge me, he said that his opinion continues the same. in positively opinion. He gave him all the support, that i most needed. He gave everything a girl deserves, in certain reasons i think i don't deserve it. But I love him truly, and day 7th of August will make a month that he started going out, in being boyfriend and girlfriend. And I've been preparing something to offer him, but he doesn't know, that i'm gonna give him something, because i want to make it secret, until the day. But when i give it to him i will reveal it on here.

Today Friday 10th July 2015, 3rd meeting with my boy :D Perfectly, i came out of the house hiding a way from grandma, because worried for her not to let me go. I saw her, but she didn't see me i walked fastly, waiting to meet up with him. I walked to the place, waiting for him, and i got there early but he hadn't arrived. Waiting, waiting people passing by but not him, but then after 1, 2 or even 3 minutes after, i felt his presence coming, and as i turn my head to the side i look and it was HIM :) Kiss on the lips and hug was given. Afterwards we walked to our special place where everything started, the special garden, but until we reached there there were holding hands, there were kisses and hugs.

Soonly we got there, and much more closely him hugging me whilst behind me and me in front holding his hands. More wildly touches and actions were happening and me loving it. Lot happened in that meeting, i massaged him he loved it, i managed to sing to him, it was hard but i managed to do it. He loved it and smiled that's what he said haha, and a passionate kiss happened. He picked me up, and carried me, we crossed the bridge where there was more grass, i lied down with him, kissing even more passionately. Rolling around and around haha :P people passing but we as passionate and crazily as we are stopped few times to see if anyone passed by. But we still continue, i even told him a story, from remembering how everything started. Him giving me touches up and down on the back with the point of his finger tips. Kisses happened. When he was on top of me i felt putting my hands inside onto his back giving him the passionate kisses. I then slide my hands down slowly thinking whilst kissing him if i should do it, and if i'm doing the right thing. But letting my self go i did it, and found it strange because it was something new, all of this is new to me. But loved it. More kissing, more loving hugs was happening, even against the tree and standing up. He lied on my bottom saying it was cuddly and sexy, and me disagreeing. Gave me bites on my bottom, ear and on face. And a few other things happened.

Sooner or later time was passing to fast, and time was ending quicker... It was time to leave him, we walked back up to where we met, holding hands, in the middle of crossing another bridge we talk our first photos together,... As we got to the place last kisses and hugs were giving. Until i had to go for definite, letting go of his hands, me crossing the road, last smiles given. Me going to one side of the street and him another. As i got home i talked to him straight away, few issues occurred when i got home. But it's nothing that with patience and enough thinking to resolve it, can be truly and completely resolved. I tidied the house with my cousin whilst messaging to him. Talked to him whilst on the phone, having alot of laughter and fun together me and him, and his friend that was with him at his home. But now waiting for him, to return because he went to a party of the town, and i will wait as long as it takes for him to return... Good Night.

Meeting up with him, and something new happening...

Got up in the morning, ready: break-first, clothes chosen to wear, hair down, make- up, everything I complete. As time was getting closer I was becoming more excited, and more anxious to be with him. When it comes to the time, I left the house, when it comes to turn the corner of the street, i breath slowly, and calm myself down, as I walk I notice somebody waiting on the other side of the street, and realize it was him. I cross the road, kiss him on the cheek and him giving the same thing to me, the kiss on my cheek. We walked and talked and i felt more comfortable in being alone to him. As we reach down the destination near the river, instead crossing the bridge where many people pass i decided to stay on the side where hardly anyone walks pass, because then i can feel more comfortable to be with him. As we walk, we side to stop, and i asked him where do you want to go, and he replied next to a tree, and i answered which one, and he said which one it was, so i walked forwardly and looked around as he followed me. He grabbed my hands, touched my arms, leading to hugs, kissing on cheeks and little bits he gave me, but nothing came from me just hugs. As his lips slides down from forehead, to nose, to cheeks going down to lips. I breath slowly and calmly. He kisses me on the lips, and i shake inside, i breath slowly and say to myself, let it happen calmly, (my name), don't turn away, and he carries on kissing, until suddenly i begin to accept and kiss him back. As progressing it leads to kiss with tongue. We hugged, kissed, and kissed, for a while, until we decide to find a different place where there would be shade and somewhere to sit. As we were walking we were holding hands.

As we find a place, we talk, more kisses happen, i feel even more comfortable permitting in action what was happening. He sat on the rock, i sat on his lap, back to kisses, hugs, kisses in many places neck, nose, arm, etc. but not lower than that. Meanwhile we got up kissed against the tree, i lifted my leg up and he picked me up, I was scared to fall, but he told me to trust in him, And i did. More passionate kisses were involved. Furthermore, we walked and he was behind me with his arms around me and him kissing on my shoulder. We went near the sunshine, more kisses were involved. Yes we did talked.

After a while. we went down to another tree,  but him sitting down and me standing up, more intense kisses occurred, talking more involved, he even wanted me to sing, but i wasn't ready, because i never sang in personally to anyone, and i was timid to do so. But he did sing to me, haha so cute in what he sang. More kisses meanwhile were involved stood up, next to a tree, leg was involved, him touching my bottom :P and me pushing him more against me even harder. As it was getting more passionate, he was putting his hands on my shirt and going up, but i stopped the kissing, and breathed slowly, whilst this made me recognized my biggest fear, in my biggest secret that i haven't yet revealed. But he asked what was wrong, it was hard to tell him, but he told me to feel comfortable with him in confessing and i told him that i didn't like what he did with the shirt, and he said sorry to me, And i said, it's OK. I forgive you. Talking and kisses were more involved. Until i asked what he wanted from me from here on wards, in future. And he said can i be honest with you? And i replied yes, you may. And he asked me: Do you want to make out with me (be my girlfriend)? I didn't want to say no, i said yes but i'm fearful of my parents and making you suffer in future. He asked again meanwhile, and i said yes. So now we are Girlfriend and Boyfriend -> i'm super happy :D

After a while we walked the bridge, with hands held together. In the middle of the bridge, he grabbed me up and carried me to the other side of the bridge. He then put me on the floor, hands held together once again, and we sat on different rocks, i sat down on his lap. Massages on my back and kisses were involved, tickles under my arm and feet were involved, more intense kisses were involved. He took my shoes haha, i stood up on the rocks with no shoes, and he grabbed me and played me around spinning me around. Many things happened, and as going back, he put my trainers back on, and asked me do you want to sit up here on my shoulders? I said you can't i weigh to much, and he replied do you want to risk it, i said yes, alright i will take that risk :) So i went, and i was scared to fall, until he crazily decides to take me to a tree, and i said no no no, and he said now try and beg down, and i said i can't. So he then decides to go to the other side, and i manage to beg my head down.

Soonly on his mind, decides to cross the river, i said no no no, i'm going to fall. And he said no you won't, but if you do i will save you. I said OK haha, and then he made laugh with a joke. Until I reach the other side of the bridge, and there's a small circled post made from wood. And tell's me to stand on it i couldn't fit my both my feet, worried to fall but i managed to take the risk :) And guess what happened. I fell back and he catched me hehe :) Kisses involved. As i walk forward, hands held to him, he said that i had a beautiful hair, i didn't understand why. So he told me to stay still, he took a photo, and i saw what was wrong and i had stuff from the trees, not leaves but other stuff, don't know the name for it. But then i took it way.

More hugs, kisses and talking involved whilst we walk. Until a message from my cousin is received to go home to have lunch. And i told her that i was on my way. My boyfriend wouldn't let me go, haha :) i had lied to my grandma that i was going to walk on my own yes that's true but i didn't tell her the fact that i was gonna meet up, especially with a boy. But eventually whilst we were walking, it was getting ready to the destination to separate us apart. Kisses were given, hugs again, conversations made. Wishing to not go away, but i had to. Last touches, on hands, crossing the roads and me and him turning in different directions.

Relationship is gonna maintain secret, until it's the right time for me and him to confess it. Only us and my cousin who i trust and his friend that's also my other cousin who he trusts, knows this secret. But my fear, is my parents finding out, in me telling them or from a different way, and making them decide to separate us apart :( Since i'm 16 and he is 18 and you know what it means, i'm under age and he's over age. But i love him <3 That's what truly matters. Know waiting for another meeting up, maybe tomorrow will happen. But may i need to tell the truth to my grandma and tell her to keep it secret or may i keep on inventing stories, for sooner or later her to discover and tell my parents...

The meeting up with the special boy...

Today was the day i was waiting for and it was truly concertized. I met up with him with my cousin, couldn't do it on my own... However, when i first met him i panicked, as to how is it gonna be, what am i going to talk about and more, questions got inside my my mind. I kissed him on the cheek on both sides, cousin too, but then not much talking from my part was involved, but there was more from him and my cousin. I was so super nervous. As time got passed there was only one hour left of the meeting, i was in a park of infants with them, and i sat on the slide, when the moment came i realized that he came and sat behind me, e touched me, e touched my hair, he massaged me on the back. Until, a moment of a man or woman fell of a motorbike. I looked and walked slowly disappering to the other side, but with out realizing he followed me and when i soon realized he was in front of me. He grabbed me both of my hands and put them on his, sliding up our arms. He blowed me in the ear. We talked a bit more, but not much from my part, he began to come closer, but during that moment i couldn't look at him in the eyes i don't know why but i found it hard. He began to come and go closer and not so closer, i began to breathe slowly and the nervous feeling continued. He had hugged me but i rejected it, but at that moment only me and him on our own, and cousin on the other side. We hugged, and our hugs got stronger. That it lead off to kisses. He kissed me on the check, on the nose, on the forehead leading to get closer to lips. I turned slowly panicking. But he kissed me, he but his lips against my and kissing, i began to shake with nervously and timid feelings. That then he gave me a hug straight away, and said breathe slowly and calmly. Sooner or later nothing much happened and we started walking back as it was getting closer to the hour to go home. I began to come even more silently, and began to walk faster. I was super confused thinking if i was doing the right thing or the wrong thing... If it was normal/natural what had just happened...

As we nearly reached the destination, i asked him one or two questions as i did before what had just happened, he told me that of what he felt for the kiss: saying that he knew it was something more than friendship, and now that for definitely. I began thinking and walking more, until i got his arm on my shoulder and his hand reaching my afterwards pulling me next to him. Him asking what i felt about the kiss. I said i liked but at the same time i don't know. I'm super confused... i can't/ i don't know how to speak the right words, as you know and did see i was super nervous and that i am a very timid person, that i shaked whilst you kissed me. But i can't express the rest of the words worried to hurt you, i'll text you or maybe ringing you, since person to person is very hard for me to speak out things.... Whilst listening to me, we parted from each other, with a hug, and a kiss on the cheek, nearly leading to another kiss on lips. But he felt it was better to not do so, otherwise i could feel even worse. We walked with hands together, but then i let my go, as it was getting closer for me to turn one side and him the other of the street. I felt super anxious and confused that i felt like not saying one last goodbye. My cousin kissed him on the cheek, and she was waiting for me to do so or something even more. But i couldn't so i crossed the road, i know i was rude but i couldn't otherwise i would feel alot worse than i was feeling.

My cousin followed me, he went home i went to with my cousin, but as i was walking i talked about the kiss and everything. As i reached home i texted him talking about the situation, until, i made a decision to meet up with him, but this time for the second time on my own, maybe i feel alot comfortable, and maybe this second day may change for definitely for something more than friendship. I'm waiting for his reply, his last text was at 13:54 and i texted him afterwards with like 4-5 messages. Since 13:54 until know 17:49 that he hasn't responded. I'm worried that I've done something wrong, has he fallen asleep for waking up so early because of the meeting, many and many more questions come to my mind. But i can't get the answer... I shall be patience and wait for a reason why he's doing this, and making me suffer inside for not knowing anything about him... :(