Had an alright day today. Today I had the the courage to create a YouTube video, which relates to my blog. I did have an idea of doing this, but then i felt 'no' however i thought about it more clearly and i finally did it. A reason for why i did this, was because i want to let people aware of what's happening out there in the world, as me giving an example of what people suffer daily, but also i would like to know their (people's) sincere opion about my blog, what think about it? If i'm reacting the right way and taking the right decisions, everything really. But of course i won't except any calling namez or any rudeness, those people who comment and give their feedback and be positive and negative but not rude if you know what i mean. Also, another thing i want to say is that i think i'm more certain that i want to have the implants, but not just yet. I know there are risks that occur in doing it, but i dont feel confortable i  having them (....) like that, and for me to be happy i will take that risk but not just yet, first i will take one step at a time, relating to other problems. Here's the link of the YouTube video that i said i created (if you want, of course): 

http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=aQMKyC0lHmo 

Today's post links me to say: "Move on and never let yourself down. Don't give up, think positive because one day something might change... "

Today was a calm and peaceful day, not much happening, sat watching films, playing games, watching tv, etc. At dinner time like lunch time I ate dessert, cakes. At that moment It just came to my mind I have to eat, they look nice and delicious. But the way I feel at this point is guiltiness and disappointmented to have felt that way. But I can't change the past but I can change te future from now on wards I will try to change my mind and focuss on eating like I was which is 'LESS.' However, I do have my sister's birthday coming up which is next week so I only have delicious and sugarery cake on that day, so I will lesser as soon as possible, as soon as I'm able too. I haven't got much to say today, maybe tomorrow but I do wish you a good night and sleep well. Today's post inspires me to say: "Everthing is possible to those who believe."

Happy New Year, its a new year, a new life, a new begining. Had a great time but you know there's food being involved and of course i had too eat. However, after new year's over i will go back to the routine and you know what it is. Drank 3 glasses of champagne. I would drink more but you know what parents are like... had alot of laughter woth parents and sister,  but on that other side of me, there was sadness, disappointment, guilty, emptyness, fear, etc being involved. It was never shown yesturday, but it was always present with me and where ever i go i will always be present in my life. Yet, i do will you a happy new year filled up with love, caring, laughter, health and hope that your dreams/wishes come true. This post inspires me to say to you: "For this new year, never give up, stay focussed, stay positive, and stay strong, no matter what happens."

Just came home from town, and when i was in town in a shop with my mum and sister we i saw my mum's friend who i havent seen in ages yet she does she my mum often because she works with her. As soon as she noticed me (my mum's friend) her reaction was shocking she said what have you been doing girl you look like a skeleton. I was like no i just eat less than i did before because before i ate and ate and ate and ate, but now i just eat lesser. And she said is it because of a boyfriend or... i said no no no, and evetually she stopped talking to me and carried on talking to my mum like she was. At first i was shocked with her reaction and my feelings to that of happening were that how do i look like a skeleton i'm not that skinny, im still fat but not too much as before however im not skinny. My friend from the internet that ive tolked about in the previous posts think i'm not well that i have anoxeria. I disagree im not mentally ill i'm fine i think its perfectly normal for a person to loose weight and feel confortable with themselves. What do you think? Do you think i'm mentally ill or do you think its pretty normal like i think to loose weight. Today's post quote is: "No matter how loud their opinions are. They do not chose who you can be."

Yes, one day again has passed havent had those thoughts in my mind today is that a good thing, i ask myself? However, i got the chance to weigh myself, found the right to do it, well i was suprised that i wasnt where i was when it was christmas time but however i do need to loss weight to where i feel its confortable for me. Also i've noticed that my boobs are different by being more downer and not uper if you know what i mean like there like dropped :/ is that normal? They werent like that before, i wish they were like upper abit :/ but if i had to choose i would choose to be like i am now because you the weight problem of trying to look perfect like those other girls that you see around, with perfect bodies. Maybe in future time when my body apperence looks simular to those girls and i feel confortable maybe i will change the size of my boobies but not at the moment, i dont yet feel confortable to do that just at this point. Tomorrow is another day, and still i've still got a gigantic battle to fight through, something tells me that i will get through this... As days goes by, its getting closer to my doctors appointment ans my fear starts to develop but getting worried of what the results of my health might be... Today's quote is: "Never give up on something you really want. Its difficult to wait but more difficult to regret."

In total i have 2 - 3 problems, yet i still feel that i'm not ready to tell them but i can reveal you one at least. Well at the start of high school begining of year 7 and maybe end of year 8 or start of year 9 cant remeber clarley when it ended but it did end finally. Well when i did PE (physical education), there was these 2-3 girls that would come up to me when they felt like it and would ask me personal questions. These questions were... what Bra size i used? How big my boobs were? They even decided to ask if they were fake? :'( of course that made me feel very low and i did not reply to them to the size and stuff and of course there werent fake. I was worried of what they could do when i didnt tell them what size my bra was. But happily they didnt do anything. Although thats a good thing i didnt like what they asked me and that made me feel less confident in myself. And as you may have seen on my posts this has affected me since then, but my other problem is much more serious however it does involve physical apperence too. But i'm not yet ready to reveal it. The quote for this post is: 'Life goes on, whether you choose to move on and take a chance in the unknown or stay behind, locked in the past, thinking about what you could've been.'

Another day goes by, it was alright i guess unitll thoughts go into to my mind. I was sleeping in the afternoon and when i woke up i had those thoughts again suicidial and this time it involved jumping down a window i even looked at it for a while... also your probably think i'm a discuting person and probably i am other thoughts came to mind. And these thoughts were 'sex desire' thinking about wishing i would do and so on and how would it be like doing... i know i know im discusting and ugly person to have these thoughts i dont know why i had them but i did... tomorrow is another lets see how it goes, i havent had time to weigh myself because as you may know parents are closer now since its christmas time and new year coming soon but as soon as that finishes i will start weighing myself back again. But i do still look to my self in the mirror and see the same thing every single time... this finishes with another quote and today's quote is: Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day, saying 'I will try again tomorrow.'