Today... hum... how should i explain today... Well it was an alright day i guess, at school i thought it would be awful, but it wasnt that bad. I had mass i saw him (havent told you yet this story again this is one of my secrets, not now but maybe in future i will reveal it to you). Try not to look at him to make it obivous but sometimes its hard... however when i first arrived at school i saw people looking sideways to me, there some giggles thought they were to me that made me upset. I dont know if they were, but they looked like they were... 

Lets move on, what i wanna tell you i had my appointment at the doctors. She was really nice i had to go with mum. She doesn't speak much english, which was good for me which ment i could tell most things not everything but enough that she should know. She asked those normal questions, about my health if i'm healthy or not. If i sleep well, etc. I didnt reveal much, but then she said we cant do the blood test or any particular tests if you have any particluar symptoms, (e.g. unusual or dangerous ones)...

Suddendly, when she said that and typed what we talked about in the computer, something got into me to reveal to her what was going on. I told i lost weight, i told it did involve a bit of school. But i prefered not to talk about it, she asked me why but i maintained serect and said it was very personal, i even said sorry to not tell her...

She weighed me, i was suprised but shocked and my feeling to the balance was hoping to be at the right weight for me, the weight that i saw at home the lower i ever got. When i weighed myself it said 53kg i was suprised - how could that be? Maybe the balance at home is old enough and is not weighing probably , maybe this one's wrong (questions and thoughts got inside my head).  She measured me in height i dont know what it was but after that she told me i wasn't underweight, i was a at the normal weight for my age. 

I told her that i used to eat alot in the past, i used to weight about 60-61kg. I used like say i ate now, in like half an hour or so i would start eating again. But i try to avoid that. She said that if feel hungry to eat but eat healthy like a fruit or so. 

She asked me about my period. And i told her about them. I asked about my apperance, about my bones. Because some are starting to show up, she said if it was normal. She said it was normal in my case because i dont eat alot like before of course but i do need to eat enough and plenty. 

However, i also revealed that i used to eat 2-3 plates of dinner or lunch now i just eat like 1 plate. She did ask me if i skipped meals but i never do, if i could i would but 2 reasons stop me. One my parents and two its hard to stop eating like before and to cut down will be harder, but if my parents weren't a problem i would be able to do it. Of course she asked more questions, but this shows clearly the key points.

In the end, she said if it comes to a problem contact us (the doctor's surgery) and an appointment to see how your doing. Maybe in a couple of weeks/months times we will measure you again and weigh you to see how your going. More on your weight than height. 

When she was typing, i said can i see you again, and maybe we can talk about the issue on the reason of the weight and so on. I did ask if i could see her independtly, with parents. She said yes because i'm nearly the approriate age to do that. I asked her 1 or 2 more questions, such as if she would tell anyone and another question. And she said only if i was in danger (e.g. killing myself, someone hurting me and so on). Also i did tell her that i had a proper couseller/physocologist at school.

So now, she made the appointment to see her and i will see her on my own in two weeks time. Looking forward to that, but worried of course any nervous about the talk. Lets see how it goes.

Today's quote is: "Don't be afraid to fight for your happiness, don't be afraid to be friendly, don't be afraid to say sorry, don't be afraid to sin as to no one is perfect everyone, but never be scared to fight for your dreams & wishes, and to love those people that exist in your life, the ones that are important to you."

Still, thinking of another way to get your feedback to me... However tomorrow, is going to be a stressful stay for me school starts tomorrow - its a good thing because i love school learning new things and... (something that i haven't yet reavled but will one day). But it will be stressful in the afternoon because i have my doctors appointment and i dont know what its going to be like, but i know its like a question thing like how's my health and everything. And they will probably after why i want to do the tests as well. 

Tomorrow i will give a brief description from my appointment. Also, you know that i talked about often that friend that i met online, well she loves my posts and she thinks i'm really good at writing like being inspirational and emotional in expressing words clearly and meaning - and with this she suggests I should write a book of my secrets and stories. Its a good idea but i'm not that good at writing and really their its not that good its just the truth and just simple words that come the inside of my reality. 

What do you think? Do you agree with her? 

Today's quote is: "If the darkness covers over you, don't give up straight away, try everything you can to let that beautiful light shine upon you."

Yesturday not much happening, but i can tell you that i've receieved at least 2 feedback. I'm very happy how they gave their own feedback by being honest and what they said i wasn't really accepting it. Because i thought people would judge me and be negative about but no they were very positive and shown lack of respect for me. For the problems that i've had or am having at the moment. I'm really please to hear what they said thank-you 2 very much. Well, today's quotation is: "Never judge a book by its cover - this links to being reality by don't judge a person by their apperance by first actually know them."

However, i had another idea since there isn't commenting on my posts or my YouTube video. If you want to give your feedback then, to maintain watchful because sooner or later i will find a way of that happening e.g. by email, or a complete different way.

Not much to say today, but one thing that i've been noticing is that i cant resist or regret food now when i see it (e.g. at dinner time, lunch time - mostly). I think this all started because of those stupid desserts at christmas and new year, if i didnt eat them i would have looked more perfect. I think i look a bit fatter and on tuesay more dessert to be eaten because of sister's birthday. When will this eating desire finish :( ??? Now that i've started eating more i will find it more difficult to eat less i know i just start eating just a little bit more, but that make alot of difference to me. And of course my weight will go up but my happiness will decress again... I dont know when i will have that smile like everyone else has, the desire of wanting to live, instead i don't the point in life. I dont see the importance in life, i dont see how come people see the beauty and matter to be special in life... Today's links with the quote: "Everything happens for a reason."

Had an alright day today. Today I had the the courage to create a YouTube video, which relates to my blog. I did have an idea of doing this, but then i felt 'no' however i thought about it more clearly and i finally did it. A reason for why i did this, was because i want to let people aware of what's happening out there in the world, as me giving an example of what people suffer daily, but also i would like to know their (people's) sincere opion about my blog, what think about it? If i'm reacting the right way and taking the right decisions, everything really. But of course i won't except any calling namez or any rudeness, those people who comment and give their feedback and be positive and negative but not rude if you know what i mean. Also, another thing i want to say is that i think i'm more certain that i want to have the implants, but not just yet. I know there are risks that occur in doing it, but i dont feel confortable i  having them (....) like that, and for me to be happy i will take that risk but not just yet, first i will take one step at a time, relating to other problems. Here's the link of the YouTube video that i said i created (if you want, of course): 

http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=aQMKyC0lHmo 

Today's post links me to say: "Move on and never let yourself down. Don't give up, think positive because one day something might change... "

Today was a calm and peaceful day, not much happening, sat watching films, playing games, watching tv, etc. At dinner time like lunch time I ate dessert, cakes. At that moment It just came to my mind I have to eat, they look nice and delicious. But the way I feel at this point is guiltiness and disappointmented to have felt that way. But I can't change the past but I can change te future from now on wards I will try to change my mind and focuss on eating like I was which is 'LESS.' However, I do have my sister's birthday coming up which is next week so I only have delicious and sugarery cake on that day, so I will lesser as soon as possible, as soon as I'm able too. I haven't got much to say today, maybe tomorrow but I do wish you a good night and sleep well. Today's post inspires me to say: "Everthing is possible to those who believe."

Happy New Year, its a new year, a new life, a new begining. Had a great time but you know there's food being involved and of course i had too eat. However, after new year's over i will go back to the routine and you know what it is. Drank 3 glasses of champagne. I would drink more but you know what parents are like... had alot of laughter woth parents and sister,  but on that other side of me, there was sadness, disappointment, guilty, emptyness, fear, etc being involved. It was never shown yesturday, but it was always present with me and where ever i go i will always be present in my life. Yet, i do will you a happy new year filled up with love, caring, laughter, health and hope that your dreams/wishes come true. This post inspires me to say to you: "For this new year, never give up, stay focussed, stay positive, and stay strong, no matter what happens."