Weekend has been calmful. I do believe that i am progessing better than before. Tuesday doctor's appointment and a talk with my counceller in school. Today i took many pictures of my self to then im the end compare one and another to chose the best one. I choose it and putted it on my social media site. Got comments saying beautiful and pretty.
   Although those people said that, i kind of believe it a bit, but i only think that way with make up on. As if that make up was some kind of mask hiding my identity and my uglyness away and showing what makes me feel confortable and less ugly and more of a tiny bit beautiful. 
   However i do have a big journey to go through and succeed for my happiness in life. Tomorrow is another day of school and lets see how it goes, hope to make more progess once again. Yesturday revision done. Today more revision to be done again. Keeping busy really helps me keep problems away but sometImes that problems come back again. But i manage to keep and maintaim them away. 

Today's quote: "One progress is done, one step you've moved, but still there are more steps to take untill you reach your destiny for your life to suceed HAPPINESS."

Well, today was a .... don't even know. It was ok but not a so good day. First with the good. Well, at lunch i managed to ask 1-2 girls from my year, to sit down on the table, i asked if i could, and they allowed me too, so i did. Did eat my lunch, but no conversation made, though they did talk to one another, no voice was made/came from me. 
   Another good thing, is that i'm managed to talk a little more than before, but still need improving. Somebody came to me today to talk about something, but then she said she would talk to me another time about it. I thought about it and went to her and said because i had a certain lesson and she had another we could maybe walk together and you could tell me and see said yeah. So after lesson finished no movement came from her, i walked to my locker and she walked off but then when as i was walking in the same direction as hers for me to go to my lesson and her to hers, i managed to start a conversation once again. 
   And ask (name) what were you saying about the thing you wanted to tell me. And we had 1 or 2 conversations about the subject matter of what she wanted to tell me. But then i went to lesson as normal without speaking to her, and she went to hers, and that's when the not so good thing starts... 
   As  i was walking to lesson guess who i saw. I was imaging to see him already there because i saw some students from my year that had a lesson with him at that time so... yeah i saw him. my reaction was like oh no. i smiled to not give away my feeling, but of course he had no notice of me at all. I did feel relief as he left, because of course i didnt see have to look at him no more. Seriously when is this love that i feel for him going to end. I just cant forget him especially when i see him everyday.
   However i did see already, when i had an assembly, he said good morning to everyone as passin him repeatly as waiting for them to saying it to him, if you know what i mean. But there were a few replys, although there were, i wasn't one of them. It was hard because although i'm quiet and shy, i need to get rid of this passion i feel for him first before, then i can talk normally if i'm able to froma relationship from student to teacher. 
   As i walk pass school, i tend to think he will be in many places where he normally is, but before i reach that place i wish and wish inside of me for him for him not to be there. Sometimes i'm very lucky others it doesn't seem the case, but i need to find a way of getting through this.

Quote: "Just like a fairytale, everyone has an ending, may start as seeming emotive and intersting. As it getts to the middle, you start realising that life is not as perferct as you want it to be. When it reaches the end, everything changes to being all beautiful and magical in living happliy ever after."

Today went OK i guess. Not perfect but alright. I managed to reveal my biggest secret with my counceller, same reaction to other people, positive to what i was expecting :/ but still, the worriness it occurring, if the problem being discovered and parents might find out or other people. But especially parents and family. However, i need to see the other point of view and stop blame myself, because it's not my fault but yes the other .... how my counceller has said and the other people who know. It's going to be hard but i know it's possible, i just got to believe it. Because i know now that i really want to be happy, to how i deserve it, and not let this interfere/affect my life during present and future. Also one key thing, is the image part. 
   How i see myself. I can look in the mirror, i try and smile and say i'm pretty... but it's hard to believe it, i just don't think i'm that good to be pretty, beautiful and perfect like other girls. But also i think i don't have that perfect smile like others do as well. I think i look ugly and monstrous when i smile and think i loo pretty in the mirror. When i look down on me without the mirror i think i'm getting fatter, especially on legs. But when i comes to the mirror still think the same way, but not as much. But skinny image comes in mind, but i prefer to be like i am if i am skinny indeed than i used to be ( i wasn't to fat nor too skinny but i was close to fat, only a tiny bit). 
   I'm not that skinny at the moment, but family think i am and think i should eat more. Well, its mine decision, if this is what makes me happy, then that's what it matters right? However, i did cry indeed, during my session in physiology with my counceller. Played basketball in PE, not proper game but like a few mini exercises, like getting in pairs and dribbling the ball, trying to get the ball through the ball in the net, also played the game bulldogs by dibbling the ball, like those kind of exercises. 
   Today, i'm gonna try and make that target from Wednesday, and try and manage to have courage to speak more, but especially to be the actual me to join in groups/teams and sit next to people by asking them. I have until next Wednesday to do it. I will make it, i know i will. However i also need to start conversations again, not just that one or two times i did, their not enough, if i want to make friends then i have to do it. I believe that i will make these hard and challenging target. If i was able to do it once then i'm able to do it again, and again, and again...

Today quote: "Through one step, it may not seem alot now to you, but it can make alot of different, and little by little, step by step, you will managed to complete the target/action or even challenge your trying make, to make you feel complete and feel the right you and not someone else. But the most important to make you feel happy."

Today, was better. I believe that now on way's I can see that light coming though, and starting to appearing and exist in my life, but not just yet. Well, I didn't see him - well I heard his voice, but didn't look at him, I looked down as I was reading, I managed to control my self and look less at his car and room, when I entered school and left school. Still looked, but less that always I've been looking. However, I had a thought if I should see my teacher this lunch time. I wasn't going to but that would be just rude, and I'm not that kind of person, so I went. And her reaction was completely different to what I thought. I told her, some few progresses I made during the week, and I know they were only a few but she's happy to hear hat she heard. That I started a conversation once, I'm managed to talk more to people if them talk to me, I'm managing to accept if I'm wanted, and not just say no (e.g. being in groups/teams). Doing art work and revision is helping me a tiny bit to stay those bad thoughts away, and the serious problem too, but just a tiny little bit. However she has set me a target for this week, which was: instead of people inviting me in their group or sitting next to them, I shall be the one to ask if I can join them. I know it's hard by if I did those other things, then I believe I will be able to do it. We had a love chat together, I love her so much she's just like a real friend for me. I do believe now, that I will fight though this and I will win this battle, but just step by step. Tomorrow I have the talk with my counsellor, I think I'm now ready to tell her, and find out ways to deal with this problem. And get this problem away from affecting my life in present and future.

Today's quote: "When you're sad you must smile, when you're happy, you must laugh, when you're weak, you must stay strong. That shine light will appear in your life, you just got to believe it, everything is truly possible.''

Today was better that it has been, he was in school, and every time I passed a place he normally would be I would wish/hope inside my head that he wouldn't be there. And he wasn't, even when I went to his room to have a lesson in with another teacher, but no sign of him. To me it's a good thing, it helps a little to not see him, although I do think of him it's better than nothing :/ but eventually I will stop loving him (I hope). However, today I had the appointment at the doctor. I told her everything, that need to be told, but I feel like it's the right time to tell my counsellor, this Thursday coming. I feel better than always, better than when I talked to my teacher and head of year, and the priest at confession. Because she talked in so delicate, of course the other people did too but she did it differently, of away of making me feel comfortable in saying it. Told her about the bulling, the serious problem, the issues in losing weight, the issue that's been occurring related about that I'm been losing hair from roots of my head. The issue of the person I'm met online and so on. She's made an appointment for next Tuesday. She did always mention, in talking to my counsellor, for certain reasons, but prefer not to say. Thursday hoping that she will be there, and I'll have the courage in talking to her. Today a girl, got on my stop for the bus it was awkward for me because she never gets on that stop, we said hi and how are you. But nothing else. I looked down with my head covering, and thinking to my self whilst listening to music, I wish I was perfect as her, pretty, having friends and so on. I really like her and I wish I was her friend, she's one of my idols, because whenever I'm upset and cry she will go near me and give m a hug. I love her hugs, I love her words "everything will get better, it will be alright." But at the moment I believe it won't maybe in future I will. She does also asks me if I want to talk, but of course I don't, because of course I've lost the trust in everyone for what's happened to me (linking to serious problem).

However, today's quote is: ''Everything will get better,  you just have to believe, and for those who believe everything will become possible always.''

Today was a forgettable day. I felt positive today when I got too school, I even started a conversation but only once. I said hello and the girl said hello (name) you seem happier today and I replied yeah  yeah I do, but inside you know what it's like, its completely different to the opinion from the outside. But oh well, it's life. Saw him, felt good inside but in outside I felt I wish I didn't see him, this isn't going to be easy to forget him, especially because I see him single day. Normally, everything seems impossible when really it isn't, but here we go I have a battle to fight through. I read in front, of the class 2 times, it felt s awkward, for me and I felt people were laughed at me because there were a few giggles after I read... I've been called small again :/ seriously I think its not my fault for being small. Yesterday I said that the suicidal thoughts went away, but unfortunately them came back again. Seriously, I'm beginning to think I deserve all this.... In school I even talked to 1-2 teachers one of them even asked me questions and me too them, and that teacher asked if I was ok and how was school, and of course I lied I was ok and school was fine, when really it's the completely opposite. Tomorrow, it's the doctor's appointment I'm so worried, and I don't even know where to start from to tell the doctor, but I reckon that she will ask questions and it will make a lot easier I guess. Let's see how it goes, just have to think positively.

Today's quote is: '' That moment when you think everything is ok at that promise moment, and then something/ a special obstacle comes along and destroys everything. But all you have to do is maintain firm and think positive, and not let anything destroy your happiness."

Wasn't able to come yesterday...but it went alright I guess, no problems no nothing, but one thing I haven't told you yet but I haven't been weighing myself on the balance thing, is that a good thing? But one think I do always every single day, is look at myself carefully in the mirror and see if I've got any fatter or anything else. I think that my legs are fatter at the moment, but then after a while when I go to town, I think they look perfect. I look always the glass of the shops' windows and see them as perfect but at home that doesn't seem to be the case often. Tomorrow's another day of school, let's see how it goes :/ today nothing much happening, just revising for exams coming up soon. And yet still visiting parent's friends because their new daughter has been born today. Don't feel like going, but have to go unfortunately. Not much to say today, but one thing I can tell you is that those suicidal thoughts have gone away, they haven't bee inside my mind for along time (about 3-4 days roughly).

Today's quote: "Live freely, by learning from yesterday, living today and hoping for tomorrow to happen."