Hoje nao foi pra escola. O que quer dizer que nao pode ir ver a minha psicóloga mas foi num passeio da escola, o melhor do colégio que e assim que se trata. Acondeceu postivos e negativos. 

• Tive todas as informações que presissava, pra passar no meu trabalho do curso do collegio. (Positivo)
• Nao tinha niguem pra andar de voltas nos caronseis - caronseis de varios tipos, the agua, de comboio de tudo mesmo. (Negativo). Continuando dai ao ir-me asentar eu tava a tentar ocupar o meu tempo, quando derepente uma rapariga veio ter comigo e proguntou me se queria andar com elas. E eu diz sim, sim pode ser. Foi eu e mais outras rapagrias - no total de 5 pessoas. (Positivo).
• Desde ai andei o tempo todo com elas, comi o lanche com elas andei nos caronseis com elas, etc. Ate tiramos fotos e videos (Positivo).
• Um obvio negativo, e que nao falei muito sim ouve momentos que falava e elas tbm comigo, mas eu uma vez mais nao tentei arriscar me em pequenos riscos. Como por exemplo falar um pouco mais. Tou contente que ate consegui falar mais ou menos. Mas agredito que vou conseguir no futuro ;)

Conculindo ate me diverti ao maximo. Houve gargalhas e tudo. Ao menos conseguir por os meus pensamentos tristes de parte. Ao lers os meus recente posts do meu blog vocês vao preceber o que involve. 

Uma novidade, que ontem a noite acondeceu, foi que a minha prima mandou msg pra mim a dizer que uma certa pessoa tinha lhe mandado uma msg. Eu proguntei quem ela diz me. E desse momento pra mim o mundo pra mim parecia que tinha acabado ou parado.  Daquele momento ele nao me saia da cabeça cada vez mais. Ate que passado um bom tempo ela contou me mais coisas e chegou a um ponto que ele proguntou por mim. E tipo vocês que lerem isto vao preceber o que senti naquele momento. Mas prontos e a vida. Talvez mereça por mts erros que cometi no passado. Nao ele nao foi um erro, ele foi a melhor coisa que acondeceu na vida... mas que infelizmente acabou. Tempo a tempo sento que vou conseguir ser feliz, mas neste momento isso parece ser impossível.  Nada e impossivel, e eu agredito que sim eu vou conseguir ser feliz, e que isto tudo vai passar e melhorar.

Frase: Ao momento que plenas uma coisa em qual tu pensas que nao vai acondecer... num segundo passado essa coisa aparece e te surpreende completamente.

Hoje vou escrever em portugese. A muito tempo que nao escrevo, e muita coisa acondeceu. Infelizmente o meu namoro treminou com a pessoa especial por razoes pessoais, que nao me sinto bem por dizer. Por o lado foi a razao principal que acabamos foi vinda dele, pk ele afetou me muito e magou-me muito por uma voisa que ele fez. Mas nos treminamos os dois basicamente, custou me bue pk tipo eu gostava mesmo dele. Sinto falta dos nos momentos de tudo mesmo. E neste momento nao sei pk mas nao consigo falar avontade com ele eu tava a conseguir mas de repente nao sei o que acondeceu... isso parrou. Ainda penso o porque. E tudo mais. Houve lagrimas, mas continha insitir saudade mesmo porque tipo eu nao consigo preceber o porque disto. O porque que acabou porque tipo era tudo perfeito. O porque de tudo mesmo. Ele fez me sentir na mulher mais feliz do mundo, ele trouse me alegria, felicidade, tudo de bom e ensinou me o que realmente significa a palavra amor. 

Mas prontos e a vida. Eu so tenho que aceotar e seguir em frente. E se um dia preceber que e com ele que quero ficar ai sim eu vou lutar contra tudo e todos pra o ter de volta. Mas neste momento sinto que quero paz e nao pensar nessas coisas por agora. O meu sentimento neste momento e ficar solteira porque assim nao sofro e nao volto a ter medo de voltar a sofrer. E assim ao menos tou bem e prontos.... vou tentado escrevendo ao maximo. Hoje dia 7 se nos tivessemos juntos meu amor (que saudade de lhe chamar isto) fazia 3 mezes de namoro. Mas infelizmente nao :'( Mas dia 20 fazemos 5 mezes de amizade pelo menos e algo que ainda resta. 

Durante as minhas ferias fora no verao, fiz novos amigos e houve um amigo especial que me deu apoio. E dia 19 faz 3 mezes que nos conhecemos e nos tornamos amigos. Ele apoio me neste momenti dificil. Pos me a sorrir a tentar conseguir voltar a ser feliz por da me conselhos, entrar me em brincadeiras... Sim posso dizer foi uma luta em grande pra conseguir aultrapassar isto, eu ja o esqueci sim, mas ainda continuo a pensar em tudo. Ele nao me sai da cabeça, as vezes penso que ele veio pra aqui onde eu tou pra voltar pra mim. As vezes tenho presentimentos que o veijo em que parece ele na rua, e venho a ver que nao e. Ainda continuo no psicólogo, a aumentar a minha auto-estima e amanha vou ter uma sessao com ela e sinto que pressiso de debafar com alguem me preceba e me de conselhos. Tou a pensar em lhe contar mas ao menos tempo nao sei.

Frase: Vive um dia de cada vez ao máximo. Porque um dia mundo pode acabar e pode te deixar arrependimento e triste por nao ters feito coisas que gostarias de fazer... 

Long time no see... This week has been a long and lovely week spent with my cousin Ines.

Monday Afternoon: I went to the local place where my boyfriend lives, with my cousin, and her friends. I spent time with him. Met new places, had alot of fun, lot of kissing, and love was made. Went to a spooky but interesting house of the town. And alot happened in there. Kissing, touches involved. Truth or Dare game was played. And lot's more. Time and Time passed until it was time to go home.

Tuesday Afternoon: Went to my boyfriend's place, where he lives in the local centre of the actual place (in Frazao). Couldn't be with him on that day because he had already planned on that day, with his friends, that was already planned in ages. So my afternoon was spent with my cousin's friends. Hard for me to speak, but spoke abit more, than i did. Not much, but a bit, made alot difference. Bit by bit, i will build my timid problems, and courage to be able to speak, and not be worried about what others may think or even say. But apart from that my evening was spent nicely done.

Wednesday afternoon: Spent time with my boyfriend, once more. Played basketball with him and my cousin. Waiting for her friends to arrive, so me and him could spend some more time alone. Conversations were made. Kissing always present. But more and more intense touches...  Time passing by, until it was time to go to the river and have a swim, and sunbathe. He had picked me up, and put me in the water. I screamed because i was scared to drawn. We played with a basketball in water. Myself and my boyfriend went sunbathing together. Silly and happy moments were spent together... Until it the time reached to go home. And a goodbye was made between me and him.

Thursday afternoon: Planning to spend time with him once again. Last day at my cousin's house. But he, wouldn't reply me, nor answer the phone. Left text messages, but no replies back, i was starting to believe that he wasn't going to come, since he had already said that he would... I went to same place that i went on Wednesday, down the river, and met 2 more of my cousin's friends and 1 that i ready met before. And spent time with them and my cousin, even when to one of the girl's house and had snack at her house with the other girls, but no sign of my boyfriend. After awhile me, my cousin and one of the girl's went down to the river, but the other 2 had to go home. Time passed it was 6 pm. Boyfriend sent a text to call him. I called him. And he was on his way. He had to go out, and had left his phone at home... Soonly he arrived  with his friend, by riding on bikes... We spent only just about 10-15 minutes together, it was little but good, and it was at least something, better than nothing. Until time was passed and i had to go home. Goodbye was given, after their companion half-way (boyfriend, his friend and my cousin's friend). Then we went home.

FRIDAY 7TH AUGUST 2015: It was the day 1 month of celebration, that me and my boyfriend, were made together/united since the 7th of July 2015. In the afternoon, i spent time with him. Both alone with him, and with my cousin that had to come with him, otherwise i wouldn't have permission to leave the house to be able to to meet up with him alone. It was myself, my cousin Renata, her brother had she one way or other had to bring, because she had to look after him. And then it was my boyfriend and his best friend, like bother, Nuno. They had come to my home local place by their bikes, because from where they live it's far away, if they had walked. Conversations were made.. I had given my gift that i had made for this special day (it was a letter written by me, talking about out memories, but the most important revealing to him, of how much I love him). He read it and loved it. He confessed that he had something for me, but had forgotten, because of leaving the house in a flash. But admitted, that he would, give it to me when we next meet up together. Time was spent both alone with him, and times were spent in companion with everyone at the event. Laughter, and smiles were involved on that day. 2-3 hours spent together, very little for me, but i loved it, and I lived the moment again, as like when it all started. I love my boy, more and more as days go passed.

Time and time passes fast, that it's reaching the moment, to go back to where it was, being more long distance away from him, and go back to the country that i'm unfortunately living, ( because of poverty, in where i actually belong, which is where i'm currently, spending holidays at the moment). Thinking about long distance, it's going to be hard to be away from him, for a long time, but nothing or nobody will destroy this true love, this emotion felt inbetween us two. Not even our memories, or even happiness.... <3

Saturday 25th july, at night spent it with boyfriend and a few memebers of my family at a party. Only me and him know what happened, itimate close up, went on a ride, with him and his friend. And more stuff happened at that night, kisses, intense bits, hugs, and holding hands and more few bits. But i saw my antie, i was holding hands, i let it go once i noticed her, i talked go her and everything. But then i went worried that she might tell my uncle, and my uncle may pass it on to my dad, which both him and my mother don't know about our relatipnship. I panicked. later that night when the night was over to go home i gave him one last kiss and hug and went home. (Alot happened that night). Sunday 26th July, was a decisive day, it was everthing or nothing. The day had reached early, time passed, more worriness, panicking and being nervous happened. Untill i received a call from dad, and i told him to pass to my mother i told her and the way she talked it seemed that she had accepted the relationship, but then when she passed it to my dad i manage to confess it to him. He said horrible things, that i didn't like hearing but it's life 😢😳😔 i will have to wait for tomorrow, and let him and give him time to think carefully. And wait untill he next calls me, possibly tomorrow. Hope to receive good news. Because i dont want to lose my baby, he's everthing for me. But if he countines to not accept him, it's not because of him not accepting that i will permit for the relationship to end. Yes i might not have all the courage, to take that further step, but i will gain it and fight against everyone and everthing, to maintain with the boy i love with all my love. <3

Yesterday, 20th of July i was with my boyfriend, and it was an incredible but a very incredible day. Lot of fun was on, throwing water, massages on back was given. More intense kisses and touches were given. until i managed to take his t-shirt off him. and allowing him to touch me calmly and not brutally, and disrespecting my decision to go fast and going further in steps, that i didn't want to. He respects me, and day by day i believe that he will be the man of my life. I love him so strongly, that i can't imagine my life with out him. The whole evening was spent with him, from 3/4 pm until 6 pm. Because he had to go with his friend home at that time. I went to the river, had a swim with cousin and a few of her friends. This week that passed by i met new people and made new friends, and was the day on Monday to spend time with boyfriend, but of course the weekend and the Monday the days to spend more time with cousin the side of my dad's family that i'm not that close, i loved it and i would like to repeat it. I also went out at night with them, at a party, and went on the rides. But during that weekend, and on-wards, I've been receiving threats from a telephone number that i don't know who it is, saying that my dad will know everything, but i don't know what the number is on about. And i'm worried it relates to my past, to my big secret, my big fear. But my boyfriend believes it's not, its something to do with me and him, because he did, also say that my dad will know what i'm doing here (the place i am to spend holidays, because i came earlier). So he believes its something to do with me and him. And i'm more decisive to really tell him and me and him go out, that we are boyfriend and girlfriend. But my fear is that if he doesn't accept it, and goes for me not seeing him or even speaking to him again. My mother will definitely accept it, i believe it that but father is harder, because he creates films in his mind that: i'm to young to have a boyfriend, what if he will make you suffer, those kind of things. But he will never do that, i'm super happy with him, and day by day i believe and trust in him, and know that he will always be there, when i most need help. Every time i'm feeling low, he can always cheer me up, and make my smile grow and make it last long enough.

Today it's a special day for me and my boy, because today it's 2 months that i met him across the internet. But also it's getting closer to day 7 which it's a special day, because it will make 1 month since all this relationship all started. Day 5th of July, i still remember was the day i first met him personally, and on the 5th of august will be a 1 month since that day occurred. I'm super happy, and i couldn't be more happier than ever. 

Have been happier like never, with my boy. Last night, we spoke honestly that i landed on our biggest secret. He told me his, and i have planned the other day to tell him, but i wasn't brave enough to speak up, but i did yesterday. I gave all my trust on him, and now he knows. But if he speaks it out my life ends completely. But i believe in him and he promised not to tell anyone. He didn't judge me, he gave me all his respect and caring to cheer me up as my tears was running down my eyes. But as this blog is anonymously i will confess my secret here and now:

It all started in the summer when finished primary school, and I had few friends, but I wanted more friends. And I wanted more until I added people who I didn't know at all. Until it came to a boy who seemed an age of 18, 19, 20, something like that. But I was about 10-11. We talked on MSN chat, he called me, beautiful, princess and everything ... until it got to the point, in that he wanted something more from me ... He wanted me to take my clothes off on web. I refused, and he stopped talking to me, Until it came to a day that I missed him, and went back to talk to him. But he only spoke to me if I did what he wanted. Until it came to me having courage and did it, I felt I could trust him but it took it in steps slowly, like levels and he accepted. Level 1 one lifted her skirt and showed my bottom but with panties. He then wanted the top Level 2 i put my skirt  down, I took the sweater, with taking my bra down, and covered the breasts with his hands making strange movements. Then dressed the whole top again. We reached the level 3 he wanted me to be completely naked, but I didn't want to, it make me feel less comfortable. I made up stories, like for example that my parents were coming, that was honestly the truth, I then invented some more excuses. But he pressed me until it got to the point that he threatened me and said that if I don't do what he wants then he would put the images on the internet, on YouTube. But at the start he had promised that he wouldn't do that. I trusted him, but now he threatens me... He continued to insist, until I got to a point and made a decision, which was blocking him, and i did it... I never heard more of him anymore. My fear is still that he has put the images on YouTube, my fear is that it can happen all the same again, it wouldn't happen again, but you never know it can happen by someone forcing me to do it, or something similar. My fear is that someone discovering my big secret. My greatest fear and that if someone finds out included my parents, my life will definitely end, and I say this for the deep truth.

My boy didn't judge me, he said that his opinion continues the same. in positively opinion. He gave him all the support, that i most needed. He gave everything a girl deserves, in certain reasons i think i don't deserve it. But I love him truly, and day 7th of August will make a month that he started going out, in being boyfriend and girlfriend. And I've been preparing something to offer him, but he doesn't know, that i'm gonna give him something, because i want to make it secret, until the day. But when i give it to him i will reveal it on here.

Today Friday 10th July 2015, 3rd meeting with my boy :D Perfectly, i came out of the house hiding a way from grandma, because worried for her not to let me go. I saw her, but she didn't see me i walked fastly, waiting to meet up with him. I walked to the place, waiting for him, and i got there early but he hadn't arrived. Waiting, waiting people passing by but not him, but then after 1, 2 or even 3 minutes after, i felt his presence coming, and as i turn my head to the side i look and it was HIM :) Kiss on the lips and hug was given. Afterwards we walked to our special place where everything started, the special garden, but until we reached there there were holding hands, there were kisses and hugs.

Soonly we got there, and much more closely him hugging me whilst behind me and me in front holding his hands. More wildly touches and actions were happening and me loving it. Lot happened in that meeting, i massaged him he loved it, i managed to sing to him, it was hard but i managed to do it. He loved it and smiled that's what he said haha, and a passionate kiss happened. He picked me up, and carried me, we crossed the bridge where there was more grass, i lied down with him, kissing even more passionately. Rolling around and around haha :P people passing but we as passionate and crazily as we are stopped few times to see if anyone passed by. But we still continue, i even told him a story, from remembering how everything started. Him giving me touches up and down on the back with the point of his finger tips. Kisses happened. When he was on top of me i felt putting my hands inside onto his back giving him the passionate kisses. I then slide my hands down slowly thinking whilst kissing him if i should do it, and if i'm doing the right thing. But letting my self go i did it, and found it strange because it was something new, all of this is new to me. But loved it. More kissing, more loving hugs was happening, even against the tree and standing up. He lied on my bottom saying it was cuddly and sexy, and me disagreeing. Gave me bites on my bottom, ear and on face. And a few other things happened.

Sooner or later time was passing to fast, and time was ending quicker... It was time to leave him, we walked back up to where we met, holding hands, in the middle of crossing another bridge we talk our first photos together,... As we got to the place last kisses and hugs were giving. Until i had to go for definite, letting go of his hands, me crossing the road, last smiles given. Me going to one side of the street and him another. As i got home i talked to him straight away, few issues occurred when i got home. But it's nothing that with patience and enough thinking to resolve it, can be truly and completely resolved. I tidied the house with my cousin whilst messaging to him. Talked to him whilst on the phone, having alot of laughter and fun together me and him, and his friend that was with him at his home. But now waiting for him, to return because he went to a party of the town, and i will wait as long as it takes for him to return... Good Night.