Today was a good day, i have to say. Saw him with no probblems even though i still like him but i am lossing the habit of seeing if his car is there or anything else that relates to him when i get to school and leave school. Had assembly with him and my year, went alright i guess, for my first lesson i had it in his room and guess what i realised during half through the lesson... the candle i gave him on his desk, and he had already used it i was so happy from the inside, thinking that at least my thoughts were wrong that he gave the candle to somebody else or even through it in the bin. But no i has it and that made me feel good.
   After that had normal day like usual untill it got to science asked again if i could sit next to that girl i like and her other friend and they accepted me. Still no conversation made. However when it got to ending the lesson they went on about prom and got to the point that they tried to persuade me too go, because they recone i should go even though i dont want to. They even tried to make the teacher's involvement to persaude me. I wanna go but at the same time i dont... i dont know i will see untill next week. I still need to right her the card to thank her.
   Once it reached lunch and i got my lunch i went to find a table to sit at but they were nearlly all full, i got to the table where that girl and some other people from my year were and i sat at their table and asked if i could sit there and i did. One or three words spoken but then no more conversations made.
   At the end of the day as i was walking to the bus and entered it inside and gave the bus driver my ticket, i heard 2-3 girls saying bye (name) and i replyed bye and smiled. Didnt see who it was but i was so happy havent heard that kind of message for a long time, since the last time i did have friends but now i dont for no specific reason that i am aware of. But i want to build that friendship again with real and honest people and deserve my happiness and my friendly gift to them.

Quote for today: ''If things seem that their intirely progressing, carry on and you will reach your target. But if you haven't reached that stage, just maintain to fight for your happiness, by sooner or later you will make the first step."

Today was really meh day. Not bad not good it was alright. Thoughts about prom going in my mind to whether or not if i should go. But i will think about it i have only at least two weeks to decide i think. I am planning to go but the issues come back again... talked to my teacher about my new progesses made, and the story about the prom. She thinks that i should go, its a special day and all that but also she recanes that it would be a good stay to build the relationship of us being friend or even leading to best friends. But i dont know, i didnt thank her i was stupid i know, and i told her this and she recones also to right her a thankful letter and to give it to her for inviting me. But im not brave enough to give it to her, so she sugessted me to give it to the teacher and she would pass it to her and have a talk about it. And i prefer it that way.
   However, first thing in the morning before all that happened in at lunch, i was still think about prom, and the girl i love talking to, thought i was upset i was indeed inside, she gave me 2 hugs and and said i love you twice too but at different times of course. I loved those words i smiled but saddness came. I loved those hugs, as she makes me hold on the problems and keep them hidden but when she lets go it reappears.
   Today i felt like i was out of breath for a while like 5-10 miuntes and i was breathing like repeatly and like deeply slowly like always. But now it has calmed down. I have looked myself in the mirror and start realizing that i look very slim. I need to put 1 or 2 kg on to look better not too much but i dont want look too slim aswell
   Saw him, was hard to have to deal with it, but i managed it. However i do believe i will forget him as to loving him, and i think i'm getting there. Sooner or later i will make it.

Today's quote: "Love one another, Recpect and Care for one another as you would want to be loved and treated."

Today was super good. I went to school with confidence enough to think i'm going to have a good day. And i did indeed, there was a trip going i was going on it but then i gave up, because i didnt need it because it involved to look around college and see what to choose to study next year. But i know already. Even if i didnt i'm glad i didnt go, because guess who was on it... Yes he was so which ment i didnt have to see him during the day, yeah i did see him but when he was gone i didnt have too...           However as i was going to science i made a progess, got the laptop to do research, and the girl i like or in case i love alot to talk to was there, and i was waiting for the right time to ask. Eventually i did and went to ask if i could sit next to her and she said yeah of course you can (name). I smiled and she did too, i was so happy to be accepted but also a progess made. Didn't talk as usual but i was brave to ask for the first time during lesson time. Another progess that i shouls make is to start talking whilst i'm sitting next to them, i do a few times but often when they talk to me, maybe i should develop and start more conversations and talk more when i'm sitting with people. Did say a
hello and reponded to people that talked to me today, but no expanding conversation made.
   However, when it was lunch, i went to get something to eat i sat down, and meanwhile guess who appeared? The two girls i sat next to in lesson with their other friend that i talked once or twice during form time. They sat on my table and said hello all of them, and i said hello back. But then again no conversations made. I need to progess more. And i do believe that i will. after i left, didnt say anything, i feel bad to have not done.
   But then i went to find that teacher that set me the targets but she wasn't in, i will have to see her tomorrow. During PE which was the last lesson, i got entered to join the same girl's group as i did on monday. I accepeted, and we won all the games. But hat dont matter to me, the importance is that they allowed me in and not excluding me out...
   However, after i got changed that girl who invited me to the team, talked to me to see if i was ok and all that untill it got to the conversation about prom.... but then the bell went and it was time to go.
   I still feel that i shouldn't go, because of many reasons. One of them being left out. Not having people to talk to. Not being invited - yes i was invited by these 2 girls but i'm worried that they may forget when it gets to the time. I feel unwanted to the prom. Worriness by people making fun of me in varies ways espeacilly for what i might wear. Another reason to the journey back home, and having no one to take me, parents dont have car so i would have to take a taxi. But i dont really like that idea especially because the prom ends at 23:30, and i hate the car and having to be on my own in a taxi. But let's see how it goes i will talk to my teacher i would love to her opinion to the situation and how i think of it but also the progess being made too.

Today's quote: "Let there light in life, and never let darkness in, for it will cover all the postive and bring negative."

Today went super good until it got later in the evening but still am ok. Got to school, no sign of him and his car but when i was the end of break i was going to see my counceller, i saw his car. I was so disappointed because i thought he wasnt in but he was. Still good inside but but outside i have to forget him. However had a talk with my counceller told her my new progessing made, the chat i had yesturday with the girl from PE and one or two others. I was happy no tears came down :/ but we got to a point in the end where i think i have to work on to progess more.
   As the session finished i was walking to my next lesson, i was finishing my 3D model in science whilst others were finishing theirs. And these to girls came a long, stared at me for a while untill they asked me what they wanted. They asked me if i wanted to go to prom with them and some few other girls in a lemozine (sorry for spelling). I said i wasnt going to go, didnt tell them why but the reason for it our others making fun of me of what i'm waering like last time and having no one too talk to. When i said no and see said oh ok this boy said (name) your not going? I said no and nodded. I cant remeber no more all i remember is this and i remembered everyone continuing with their models. Bell went for lunch. Had lunch, form and lessons.
   During last lesson, i had the lesson in his room. Saw his car once again, and saw him for the second time because i did already see him in the morning but did not look at him but i knew he was there by his voice anf by me passing him. However no sign made from him, no speaking no nothing. Upseting but maybe this will make me forget him even more. But i do miss him so much :(
   However, got to the stage where i went for the appointment. Waited and waited until i was called. Talk about the serious problem and the friend online i met online. She still feels i'm at risk from what happened to me and or might happen again. She's worried me meeting up with this person because of the serious problem and how it kind of links with it not much but a bit. She does want to tell my parents but im not prepared for their reaction, and if she does that i wont speak to her no more, and self - harm or even commit suicide. I know it's not the end of the world but i want to avoid them worrying about me and protect them and not let them get involved. Also i am worried for their reaction, might be the same as too what i'm accepting shouting, angry, dissappointment and could or could not lead to worst maybe. So if she plans to do that i will start self-harming again seriously.
   Tomorrow i have a talk with the teacher at lunchtime to tell her my progess like always. Next tuesday another appointment with the doctor and next thurday talk with the counceler. Progess made today yeah, i started a conversation and extended it a bit not a lot but a bit.

Today i will leave you with a song:-https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=AnMP1oqPTto

Good news today. Talked more today than yesturday. During form time i got asked to sit next to these girls and i did (yeah i said yes and not no an achievement made). Start conversation 1 or 2 times today. I talked to this one or two girls and grew the conversation my extending it. No sign of him today, he wasn't in school. Good thing that happened which ment i wouldn't to deal with the problem to face mim. But that other part of me missed him and he did come to my mind again. One other secret is hidden that i haven't yet revealed. not today maybe tomorrow or another time. Alots of secrets are yet still waiting to be shared, but will be shared at the right time. Tomorrow counceller and doctor's appointment and lets see how it goes. Have yet really achieved my challenge that was set last week, but i do believe i will make it. Did it once, but once isn't enough. Today was the perfect day that i ever had that i havent had for ages. Hope tomorrow goes well too.

Today quote: " Everyone is born for a reason, but everyone knows that there will be and end of life to die. So please live ypur life freely and happy, lets not get affected by those who don't deserve our sadness, but do deserve our happiness - the people who love and care for us - family and friends. "

Weekend has been calmful. I do believe that i am progessing better than before. Tuesday doctor's appointment and a talk with my counceller in school. Today i took many pictures of my self to then im the end compare one and another to chose the best one. I choose it and putted it on my social media site. Got comments saying beautiful and pretty.
   Although those people said that, i kind of believe it a bit, but i only think that way with make up on. As if that make up was some kind of mask hiding my identity and my uglyness away and showing what makes me feel confortable and less ugly and more of a tiny bit beautiful. 
   However i do have a big journey to go through and succeed for my happiness in life. Tomorrow is another day of school and lets see how it goes, hope to make more progess once again. Yesturday revision done. Today more revision to be done again. Keeping busy really helps me keep problems away but sometImes that problems come back again. But i manage to keep and maintaim them away. 

Today's quote: "One progress is done, one step you've moved, but still there are more steps to take untill you reach your destiny for your life to suceed HAPPINESS."

Well, today was a .... don't even know. It was ok but not a so good day. First with the good. Well, at lunch i managed to ask 1-2 girls from my year, to sit down on the table, i asked if i could, and they allowed me too, so i did. Did eat my lunch, but no conversation made, though they did talk to one another, no voice was made/came from me. 
   Another good thing, is that i'm managed to talk a little more than before, but still need improving. Somebody came to me today to talk about something, but then she said she would talk to me another time about it. I thought about it and went to her and said because i had a certain lesson and she had another we could maybe walk together and you could tell me and see said yeah. So after lesson finished no movement came from her, i walked to my locker and she walked off but then when as i was walking in the same direction as hers for me to go to my lesson and her to hers, i managed to start a conversation once again. 
   And ask (name) what were you saying about the thing you wanted to tell me. And we had 1 or 2 conversations about the subject matter of what she wanted to tell me. But then i went to lesson as normal without speaking to her, and she went to hers, and that's when the not so good thing starts... 
   As  i was walking to lesson guess who i saw. I was imaging to see him already there because i saw some students from my year that had a lesson with him at that time so... yeah i saw him. my reaction was like oh no. i smiled to not give away my feeling, but of course he had no notice of me at all. I did feel relief as he left, because of course i didnt see have to look at him no more. Seriously when is this love that i feel for him going to end. I just cant forget him especially when i see him everyday.
   However i did see already, when i had an assembly, he said good morning to everyone as passin him repeatly as waiting for them to saying it to him, if you know what i mean. But there were a few replys, although there were, i wasn't one of them. It was hard because although i'm quiet and shy, i need to get rid of this passion i feel for him first before, then i can talk normally if i'm able to froma relationship from student to teacher. 
   As i walk pass school, i tend to think he will be in many places where he normally is, but before i reach that place i wish and wish inside of me for him for him not to be there. Sometimes i'm very lucky others it doesn't seem the case, but i need to find a way of getting through this.

Quote: "Just like a fairytale, everyone has an ending, may start as seeming emotive and intersting. As it getts to the middle, you start realising that life is not as perferct as you want it to be. When it reaches the end, everything changes to being all beautiful and magical in living happliy ever after."

Today went OK i guess. Not perfect but alright. I managed to reveal my biggest secret with my counceller, same reaction to other people, positive to what i was expecting :/ but still, the worriness it occurring, if the problem being discovered and parents might find out or other people. But especially parents and family. However, i need to see the other point of view and stop blame myself, because it's not my fault but yes the other .... how my counceller has said and the other people who know. It's going to be hard but i know it's possible, i just got to believe it. Because i know now that i really want to be happy, to how i deserve it, and not let this interfere/affect my life during present and future. Also one key thing, is the image part. 
   How i see myself. I can look in the mirror, i try and smile and say i'm pretty... but it's hard to believe it, i just don't think i'm that good to be pretty, beautiful and perfect like other girls. But also i think i don't have that perfect smile like others do as well. I think i look ugly and monstrous when i smile and think i loo pretty in the mirror. When i look down on me without the mirror i think i'm getting fatter, especially on legs. But when i comes to the mirror still think the same way, but not as much. But skinny image comes in mind, but i prefer to be like i am if i am skinny indeed than i used to be ( i wasn't to fat nor too skinny but i was close to fat, only a tiny bit). 
   I'm not that skinny at the moment, but family think i am and think i should eat more. Well, its mine decision, if this is what makes me happy, then that's what it matters right? However, i did cry indeed, during my session in physiology with my counceller. Played basketball in PE, not proper game but like a few mini exercises, like getting in pairs and dribbling the ball, trying to get the ball through the ball in the net, also played the game bulldogs by dibbling the ball, like those kind of exercises. 
   Today, i'm gonna try and make that target from Wednesday, and try and manage to have courage to speak more, but especially to be the actual me to join in groups/teams and sit next to people by asking them. I have until next Wednesday to do it. I will make it, i know i will. However i also need to start conversations again, not just that one or two times i did, their not enough, if i want to make friends then i have to do it. I believe that i will make these hard and challenging target. If i was able to do it once then i'm able to do it again, and again, and again...

Today quote: "Through one step, it may not seem alot now to you, but it can make alot of different, and little by little, step by step, you will managed to complete the target/action or even challenge your trying make, to make you feel complete and feel the right you and not someone else. But the most important to make you feel happy."

Today, was better. I believe that now on way's I can see that light coming though, and starting to appearing and exist in my life, but not just yet. Well, I didn't see him - well I heard his voice, but didn't look at him, I looked down as I was reading, I managed to control my self and look less at his car and room, when I entered school and left school. Still looked, but less that always I've been looking. However, I had a thought if I should see my teacher this lunch time. I wasn't going to but that would be just rude, and I'm not that kind of person, so I went. And her reaction was completely different to what I thought. I told her, some few progresses I made during the week, and I know they were only a few but she's happy to hear hat she heard. That I started a conversation once, I'm managed to talk more to people if them talk to me, I'm managing to accept if I'm wanted, and not just say no (e.g. being in groups/teams). Doing art work and revision is helping me a tiny bit to stay those bad thoughts away, and the serious problem too, but just a tiny little bit. However she has set me a target for this week, which was: instead of people inviting me in their group or sitting next to them, I shall be the one to ask if I can join them. I know it's hard by if I did those other things, then I believe I will be able to do it. We had a love chat together, I love her so much she's just like a real friend for me. I do believe now, that I will fight though this and I will win this battle, but just step by step. Tomorrow I have the talk with my counsellor, I think I'm now ready to tell her, and find out ways to deal with this problem. And get this problem away from affecting my life in present and future.

Today's quote: "When you're sad you must smile, when you're happy, you must laugh, when you're weak, you must stay strong. That shine light will appear in your life, you just got to believe it, everything is truly possible.''

Today was better that it has been, he was in school, and every time I passed a place he normally would be I would wish/hope inside my head that he wouldn't be there. And he wasn't, even when I went to his room to have a lesson in with another teacher, but no sign of him. To me it's a good thing, it helps a little to not see him, although I do think of him it's better than nothing :/ but eventually I will stop loving him (I hope). However, today I had the appointment at the doctor. I told her everything, that need to be told, but I feel like it's the right time to tell my counsellor, this Thursday coming. I feel better than always, better than when I talked to my teacher and head of year, and the priest at confession. Because she talked in so delicate, of course the other people did too but she did it differently, of away of making me feel comfortable in saying it. Told her about the bulling, the serious problem, the issues in losing weight, the issue that's been occurring related about that I'm been losing hair from roots of my head. The issue of the person I'm met online and so on. She's made an appointment for next Tuesday. She did always mention, in talking to my counsellor, for certain reasons, but prefer not to say. Thursday hoping that she will be there, and I'll have the courage in talking to her. Today a girl, got on my stop for the bus it was awkward for me because she never gets on that stop, we said hi and how are you. But nothing else. I looked down with my head covering, and thinking to my self whilst listening to music, I wish I was perfect as her, pretty, having friends and so on. I really like her and I wish I was her friend, she's one of my idols, because whenever I'm upset and cry she will go near me and give m a hug. I love her hugs, I love her words "everything will get better, it will be alright." But at the moment I believe it won't maybe in future I will. She does also asks me if I want to talk, but of course I don't, because of course I've lost the trust in everyone for what's happened to me (linking to serious problem).

However, today's quote is: ''Everything will get better,  you just have to believe, and for those who believe everything will become possible always.''

Today was a forgettable day. I felt positive today when I got too school, I even started a conversation but only once. I said hello and the girl said hello (name) you seem happier today and I replied yeah  yeah I do, but inside you know what it's like, its completely different to the opinion from the outside. But oh well, it's life. Saw him, felt good inside but in outside I felt I wish I didn't see him, this isn't going to be easy to forget him, especially because I see him single day. Normally, everything seems impossible when really it isn't, but here we go I have a battle to fight through. I read in front, of the class 2 times, it felt s awkward, for me and I felt people were laughed at me because there were a few giggles after I read... I've been called small again :/ seriously I think its not my fault for being small. Yesterday I said that the suicidal thoughts went away, but unfortunately them came back again. Seriously, I'm beginning to think I deserve all this.... In school I even talked to 1-2 teachers one of them even asked me questions and me too them, and that teacher asked if I was ok and how was school, and of course I lied I was ok and school was fine, when really it's the completely opposite. Tomorrow, it's the doctor's appointment I'm so worried, and I don't even know where to start from to tell the doctor, but I reckon that she will ask questions and it will make a lot easier I guess. Let's see how it goes, just have to think positively.

Today's quote is: '' That moment when you think everything is ok at that promise moment, and then something/ a special obstacle comes along and destroys everything. But all you have to do is maintain firm and think positive, and not let anything destroy your happiness."

Wasn't able to come yesterday...but it went alright I guess, no problems no nothing, but one thing I haven't told you yet but I haven't been weighing myself on the balance thing, is that a good thing? But one think I do always every single day, is look at myself carefully in the mirror and see if I've got any fatter or anything else. I think that my legs are fatter at the moment, but then after a while when I go to town, I think they look perfect. I look always the glass of the shops' windows and see them as perfect but at home that doesn't seem to be the case often. Tomorrow's another day of school, let's see how it goes :/ today nothing much happening, just revising for exams coming up soon. And yet still visiting parent's friends because their new daughter has been born today. Don't feel like going, but have to go unfortunately. Not much to say today, but one thing I can tell you is that those suicidal thoughts have gone away, they haven't bee inside my mind for along time (about 3-4 days roughly).

Today's quote: "Live freely, by learning from yesterday, living today and hoping for tomorrow to happen."

Today went ok. I made a progess i think. I started a conversation but didnt say hello i started it another way. But only did it once. I am able to talk to people if they speak to me but its alot effort for me to be able to make for me to actually start a conversation but i manged to do it well kind of. The person did say one or two thing to me but then after a moment when i replyed to her i asked her a question and she answers back and chatted about another thing or two. I didnt manage to start it but i managed to progress the conversation and contiune it. Is that a good thing? I think ive changed my mind about next week, i think that i will go and see my teacher on wednesday, but worried about what she might say or the way she may speak to me. Scared to think that she may think that i haven't progressed enough.... oh well i shall wait and see. 

Today i saw him but wirh less hate, but i still love him and i have a long journery to proclaim to be able to forget him. But i think i'm able to do it. But today i did the usual as you know what i do everyday relating to him in morning and afternon or even during school.

However today's quote is: ''Once again, if build that smile and achieve all your gaols, then everthing will be easier and possible to fight through a battle and win your objectives."

Not much happening today. No suicidal thoughts, but do plan to do it not maybe now by later in life if anything gets worse. I sae him and i did and as usually. Check if his car was there before and after school. This is getting really obsitive i need to stop and forget him. He has someone on his life and im suffering enough to know that from yesturday. I must not suffer no more or should i? I feel hate, and upset from outside but inside its the complete opposite. I love him and im happy for him to exist in my life but really he doesnt. And this is another battle to fight throught and try and win in the end... 

Today's quote is: "Smile always and be sad less. One day a smile will grow and you will see the good in life. Instead of the bad. Smile and live freely forever and one step at a time to build that real you."

I hate life, seriously today another bad day. I went to talk with my teacher like she said to last week. And guess what it destroyed my day. She was very harsh, asking if i made progress in doing something in makong friends, keeping the past in the past and i said no. And she said that she wont help me because then we aint moving and u are just making no progess and thats wasting my time. That hurt alot. Well if she dosent want to help then why be that person to lissten to problems and help people... we talked and in end she said to start of by saying hello she said its easy but it isnt. She wont understand how i feel. Because she hasnt gone through what i have. :'( seriously it made me cry i cryed and cryed. These people asked me if i was ok i said yeah i am i dont wanna talk about etc. She told me to come next wednesday but i'm not going because i dont want anymore judging me for not progessing. Yeah i know im not perfect... A day to forget really... 

I feel more ceratin that everyone's against me the entire world is. I feel that im more certain to commit suicide because i do deserve it. I'm fed up people ignoring me, talkong that way and these problems interfereing, so i feel if i die then i will die in peace... he wont talk to me (<3) oh well then that gives me another reason to do it. Also i checked his facebook and i saw a photo with a other girl and a person commented 'must be getting serious' which reveals that their making progess. It hurt to it which means i have even lesser chance ti be with him. How am i go to school now and look at him? Seriously i just wanna die, even my tears are starting to come, sooner or later i will cry.

As you may see i'm not very inspirational today maybe tomorrow, i will leave you another song.

http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=5anLPw0Efmo 

Today is a day too forget, i feel asleep in the morning. I had no counceller because she was absent. I saw him .... in lesson and nearly walked into him. We havent talked for ages :( i miss thoughs timez, i feel loke revealing the emotion to him... i dont know i just feel like no should derseve me. I felt like if my counceller wasnt there maybe it was she hated me for telling her about the weight. Or maybe she felt to herself ahe dint wasnt to talk to me know more because she knew it was yet to come about my secret i dont know reasons and reasons got inside my head. But i felt maybe i shouldnt reveal it to her because i was going to today and on the way i felt what words i should use but once i reached the room it was pointless she wasnt there... A year 7 boy ran in to me and of ciurse i didnt say anything because im shy and quiet and not brave to speak up. This girl told me something well shes my friend but not she not my age i knew her from parents friends. She told me that this boy asked her what year i was? And she told him i was in year 11, he didnt believe it because him and some year 7's thoight i was in year 7 just because im small... seriously its not my fault and including to this my doctor said i was at normal average of height and weight. So ... but still i feel i should lose more weight for those reasons i told you... Today i dont feel that inspired to quote so i will leave you with a song instead.

http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=ij_0p_6qTss 

Today, i saw him once more, but no reaction i looked away everythime i saw time it was diffcult but i managed it until.. he entered the room and walked passed i looked at him, with thoughs emotions in my mind that i feel for him... however i did talk to childline today and i find it useful but still you feel the same way. Also i have my counseller to see tomorrow in school, i want to reveal my secret but i feel that nervous, guilty, worriness, etc, coming back. I need to find the courage and tell her this ain't good for me. I have been having thoughs thoughts in mind, you know ending life thoughts, but i havent made any plans for them yet. If i could find of way of not getting found out, of me planning it then i would maybe one day. Maybe that day is yet to come, i dont see the point in life really i dont even care if i get killed, or punched or bullyed whatever, if i do then i do deserve it since i have suffered in the past and am during my present but will deffenitly suffer more in the future.

Quote: "If you feel like your in a bad mood today, don't let that affect you think of the good things that you've lived during your life, the moments, the memories, think of those who adore you - friends and family, they are one of the reasons which deserve you and make you be the real and special person."

Once again, he came in mind... but today i talked to childline. I feel that i only have childline. Childline is the one thats always there for me. And understand me. Of course i have my dear friend that i met from the internet. And i thank her for everything she's done for me. Even childline agreed with me too right a book like my lovely friend from the internet did have that in mind. Maybe i will... but i need to find how it works. How will i publish it? Everything. Not only i want to do this for me, and let people know what i suffered. But also i want to help those who have or are suffering like the same or simular things that i've suffered. Maybe i will with the age i ahve now or maybe later in time when i feel good and feel better about myself and made those problems go away to not interfer in my life.

Quote: "Let the sunshine in your life, and bring you go things, try not to let that darkness in, though it might destroy everything including your happiness."

Yesturday i looked myself in thr mirror and said to my self i'm pretty. And i managed to accept it dont know why but i did. However i said this with clothes on, but the hard part is yet to come without clothes on, because of what happened to me in school and the other serious problem that i yet haven't revealed. But i do believe that i will get there. If i was able to do this, then i will one day progess and succeed to believe that i am pretty. But not at the moment i dont feel yet perfect to say and believe that. 

This links me to say: "That little by little i will reach the target, and progress to suceed in life."

Today, he wouldn't stop coming to my mind. Do i really love him? Hum... the probelm is that nothing is ever gonna happen between me and him. Thats one of the things that hurt me. Another is that im in year 11 and is the last year at school, so its the last time i'll see him. That hurts me too because i wont see him no more.

An idea has came in mind. Which is to write a letter to him and and give to him not now, but on the last day of school, the last day i see him. On that letter i would right everything that i feel for him and everthing, and maybe i would sign my name or maybe i could keep it secretive. However, also im having in mind to write my number, because i will miss him so much that i would love to keep in contact with him, but i dont know yet. What do you think? 

Today's quote is: "No matter what happens, never feel guilty about something you've done, at least you tried your best to make things better..."

Today... well i not much happening but at forst i got upset because i had noticed that he wasn't in school. That made me miss him even more. As the day was passing along, on the last lesson the door suddenly appeared and i looked at there he was :D i
that brought my smile straight away. But of course i had to hide it because it would be or make it obvious that i like him. Yes it is, i like a teacher, i've fell in love with him. But the problem is i have a less chance that something will happen for defenitly. Also i will suffer more including this to my problems knowing that its impossible for me and him to stay forever together. But no one chooses the person we fall in love with... 

However i'm getting woried on my eating, i believe that i'm getting fatter and fatter :( the reason im changing is to attract people to like me and be friends with me since i have no friends in school. I spend the time on my own, no one to talk to... and as a result i do this to try and be like them pretty, perfect and maybe tbey will like me that way. And if they dont like me yet maybe im not perfect enough and need to carry on going. Losing weight of course. Another reason is to feel well confortable about myself, and of course to be healthier... that it for today i guess.

Today's post links: "If you really want something to happen, then fight for it to make it become true. Never give up o n your dreams and wishes." 

Today, i saw him but lets not talk about today, maybe another time. However, today i had pyscology at school. I talked to her about things that happened during the holidays up untill today. The suicidal thoughts, the doctor appointment that i had this week and a few other things. She told me alot, asking me questions about it. Untill it got one that touched me. Which was about the period. And she told me that doctors ask that if there are regular or not. And if they're not then it leeds to either being pregrant or lost to much weight. 

At knew that but then she told me if the weight problem was the issue, then it could leeds to serious problems. Such as in future it can stop you from having children. I never knew that was the case, of course i want to have children in future but i dont want this stopping me from doing that. Of course we talked about few more things, but i think i'm in that endless road with no exit. No way to escape/to resolve these problems.

Today's quote is: "Always think first, before you act and say something that in future time you'd wished you never said."

Sister's birthday was today... loved sharing smiles and a special moment on this special day for her. 'Love you sister, your my everything...' But food gets involved and i get scared of eating, worried to eat to much and worried that this entire thing happening might be discovered one day. 

I weighed myself today and i was huh... yesturday at the doctors i weighed 53kg and now i weigh 46-47kg (i checked before eating but after i didnt worried what the kg would go up to). I was supprised like how could it, either it is right or something is being presented wrong, i think my balance is wrong. 

My weight cant be that low yet... i wish it was but its probably not and i need to lose more weight. I think i'm still fat and overweight but one thing that i had in mind today and yesturday. Is the suidicidual thoughts have came back in mind, i have didnt types of ideas to commit suicide, but the problem is is that i'm not brave enough to do it. Which means i'm weak and useless.

Today's quote reflexcts on: 

"A smile isn't always what makes us happy and shows that we are happy, but it is at least something and its better than nothing, never give up on trying and yes do search for your happiness, because happiness does exist. One day it will appear to you and will.make you the most happiest person ever in the entire world."

Today... hum... how should i explain today... Well it was an alright day i guess, at school i thought it would be awful, but it wasnt that bad. I had mass i saw him (havent told you yet this story again this is one of my secrets, not now but maybe in future i will reveal it to you). Try not to look at him to make it obivous but sometimes its hard... however when i first arrived at school i saw people looking sideways to me, there some giggles thought they were to me that made me upset. I dont know if they were, but they looked like they were... 

Lets move on, what i wanna tell you i had my appointment at the doctors. She was really nice i had to go with mum. She doesn't speak much english, which was good for me which ment i could tell most things not everything but enough that she should know. She asked those normal questions, about my health if i'm healthy or not. If i sleep well, etc. I didnt reveal much, but then she said we cant do the blood test or any particular tests if you have any particluar symptoms, (e.g. unusual or dangerous ones)...

Suddendly, when she said that and typed what we talked about in the computer, something got into me to reveal to her what was going on. I told i lost weight, i told it did involve a bit of school. But i prefered not to talk about it, she asked me why but i maintained serect and said it was very personal, i even said sorry to not tell her...

She weighed me, i was suprised but shocked and my feeling to the balance was hoping to be at the right weight for me, the weight that i saw at home the lower i ever got. When i weighed myself it said 53kg i was suprised - how could that be? Maybe the balance at home is old enough and is not weighing probably , maybe this one's wrong (questions and thoughts got inside my head).  She measured me in height i dont know what it was but after that she told me i wasn't underweight, i was a at the normal weight for my age. 

I told her that i used to eat alot in the past, i used to weight about 60-61kg. I used like say i ate now, in like half an hour or so i would start eating again. But i try to avoid that. She said that if feel hungry to eat but eat healthy like a fruit or so. 

She asked me about my period. And i told her about them. I asked about my apperance, about my bones. Because some are starting to show up, she said if it was normal. She said it was normal in my case because i dont eat alot like before of course but i do need to eat enough and plenty. 

However, i also revealed that i used to eat 2-3 plates of dinner or lunch now i just eat like 1 plate. She did ask me if i skipped meals but i never do, if i could i would but 2 reasons stop me. One my parents and two its hard to stop eating like before and to cut down will be harder, but if my parents weren't a problem i would be able to do it. Of course she asked more questions, but this shows clearly the key points.

In the end, she said if it comes to a problem contact us (the doctor's surgery) and an appointment to see how your doing. Maybe in a couple of weeks/months times we will measure you again and weigh you to see how your going. More on your weight than height. 

When she was typing, i said can i see you again, and maybe we can talk about the issue on the reason of the weight and so on. I did ask if i could see her independtly, with parents. She said yes because i'm nearly the approriate age to do that. I asked her 1 or 2 more questions, such as if she would tell anyone and another question. And she said only if i was in danger (e.g. killing myself, someone hurting me and so on). Also i did tell her that i had a proper couseller/physocologist at school.

So now, she made the appointment to see her and i will see her on my own in two weeks time. Looking forward to that, but worried of course any nervous about the talk. Lets see how it goes.

Today's quote is: "Don't be afraid to fight for your happiness, don't be afraid to be friendly, don't be afraid to say sorry, don't be afraid to sin as to no one is perfect everyone, but never be scared to fight for your dreams & wishes, and to love those people that exist in your life, the ones that are important to you."

Still, thinking of another way to get your feedback to me... However tomorrow, is going to be a stressful stay for me school starts tomorrow - its a good thing because i love school learning new things and... (something that i haven't yet reavled but will one day). But it will be stressful in the afternoon because i have my doctors appointment and i dont know what its going to be like, but i know its like a question thing like how's my health and everything. And they will probably after why i want to do the tests as well. 

Tomorrow i will give a brief description from my appointment. Also, you know that i talked about often that friend that i met online, well she loves my posts and she thinks i'm really good at writing like being inspirational and emotional in expressing words clearly and meaning - and with this she suggests I should write a book of my secrets and stories. Its a good idea but i'm not that good at writing and really their its not that good its just the truth and just simple words that come the inside of my reality. 

What do you think? Do you agree with her? 

Today's quote is: "If the darkness covers over you, don't give up straight away, try everything you can to let that beautiful light shine upon you."

Yesturday not much happening, but i can tell you that i've receieved at least 2 feedback. I'm very happy how they gave their own feedback by being honest and what they said i wasn't really accepting it. Because i thought people would judge me and be negative about but no they were very positive and shown lack of respect for me. For the problems that i've had or am having at the moment. I'm really please to hear what they said thank-you 2 very much. Well, today's quotation is: "Never judge a book by its cover - this links to being reality by don't judge a person by their apperance by first actually know them."

However, i had another idea since there isn't commenting on my posts or my YouTube video. If you want to give your feedback then, to maintain watchful because sooner or later i will find a way of that happening e.g. by email, or a complete different way.

Not much to say today, but one thing that i've been noticing is that i cant resist or regret food now when i see it (e.g. at dinner time, lunch time - mostly). I think this all started because of those stupid desserts at christmas and new year, if i didnt eat them i would have looked more perfect. I think i look a bit fatter and on tuesay more dessert to be eaten because of sister's birthday. When will this eating desire finish :( ??? Now that i've started eating more i will find it more difficult to eat less i know i just start eating just a little bit more, but that make alot of difference to me. And of course my weight will go up but my happiness will decress again... I dont know when i will have that smile like everyone else has, the desire of wanting to live, instead i don't the point in life. I dont see the importance in life, i dont see how come people see the beauty and matter to be special in life... Today's links with the quote: "Everything happens for a reason."

Had an alright day today. Today I had the the courage to create a YouTube video, which relates to my blog. I did have an idea of doing this, but then i felt 'no' however i thought about it more clearly and i finally did it. A reason for why i did this, was because i want to let people aware of what's happening out there in the world, as me giving an example of what people suffer daily, but also i would like to know their (people's) sincere opion about my blog, what think about it? If i'm reacting the right way and taking the right decisions, everything really. But of course i won't except any calling namez or any rudeness, those people who comment and give their feedback and be positive and negative but not rude if you know what i mean. Also, another thing i want to say is that i think i'm more certain that i want to have the implants, but not just yet. I know there are risks that occur in doing it, but i dont feel confortable i  having them (....) like that, and for me to be happy i will take that risk but not just yet, first i will take one step at a time, relating to other problems. Here's the link of the YouTube video that i said i created (if you want, of course): 

http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=aQMKyC0lHmo 

Today's post links me to say: "Move on and never let yourself down. Don't give up, think positive because one day something might change... "

Today was a calm and peaceful day, not much happening, sat watching films, playing games, watching tv, etc. At dinner time like lunch time I ate dessert, cakes. At that moment It just came to my mind I have to eat, they look nice and delicious. But the way I feel at this point is guiltiness and disappointmented to have felt that way. But I can't change the past but I can change te future from now on wards I will try to change my mind and focuss on eating like I was which is 'LESS.' However, I do have my sister's birthday coming up which is next week so I only have delicious and sugarery cake on that day, so I will lesser as soon as possible, as soon as I'm able too. I haven't got much to say today, maybe tomorrow but I do wish you a good night and sleep well. Today's post inspires me to say: "Everthing is possible to those who believe."

Happy New Year, its a new year, a new life, a new begining. Had a great time but you know there's food being involved and of course i had too eat. However, after new year's over i will go back to the routine and you know what it is. Drank 3 glasses of champagne. I would drink more but you know what parents are like... had alot of laughter woth parents and sister,  but on that other side of me, there was sadness, disappointment, guilty, emptyness, fear, etc being involved. It was never shown yesturday, but it was always present with me and where ever i go i will always be present in my life. Yet, i do will you a happy new year filled up with love, caring, laughter, health and hope that your dreams/wishes come true. This post inspires me to say to you: "For this new year, never give up, stay focussed, stay positive, and stay strong, no matter what happens."