If i had to describe my personality or my appearance... well i would say that i'm very shy, have a low self-esteem, a very lonely/isoslated person from others (so i have no friends), but i think that many of the times that i see my self in the mirror i see a monster, an ugly body,i feel discusted to look that way... but if i could change i would but i think that's impossible, but to start with as you may be aware i'm changing my apperance in clothes (likes and dislikes), but also lossing weight to feel better, because the body that i've had in the past since those problems have happened have brogught my self-belief down, and to feel hate in my body. However, since i've lost atleat 1kg at a timr it has made me feel better, but still i have a long journey to go through to feel perfectly fine...

Tomorrow's another day, maybe i'll be brave enough to give them the presents, wish it could be possivel, but tommorrow i'll see how the day goes... and whether or not i had the courage to do it :/

There is still a secret with this change, which relates to my problems to the past, which since they've happened, since 1-2 years ago i've been trying to lose weight, this is because i dont feel good with my physical apperance, i think that... i just dont look right for my age and that i should look like people at my age, yes i have lost weight but i still think the same way and think there's alot more to lose and i will get there one day, however with all these problems i'm scared to feel worser, if these situations have happened i think there's more to happen in future and if i was able to self-harm those future problems may cause me to think worser (self-harm once again or even lead to suicide), i feel yet still that sooner or later my life will come to an end and not in a good way... :/ 

Once i reached school, the reaction was completely differently as to i've imagine. No judges made no looking side ways no nothing that made me happier, and less exlocded from dressing up differently - now from those jeans i feel like not wearing anymore because yes i did like them in the past and i still do know but its got less meaning to me. I think that to people to like me and execpt me i have to be one of them's, however...

This change, was to change my outlook clothes, so i did. I regarded my parents to buy me new jeans and they did, however yesturday i had art all day and it was non-school uniform. And they purchasing happened on the weekend. My dad ordered me to wear different coloued jeans, ones that i had not the new ones, but i didnt want to. I wored the new ones and to not let him see me i exited the house without him seeing me...

I walked passed, many people and their reaction to me was to look sideways, but on that day it was assembly for my year and another year. Here came the teacher from my form and her reaction to them was 'Wow (name) those jeans are surely bright, i love them' that didnt make me feel better inside and my response was to smile... but i tried to hide myself from the tears coming down my eyes from what she had told me. However, when it ended i walked to my locker and these 2 girls passed by and said 'i love those jeans (name) they are surely are bright and they suit you' and my response was 'are you being honest because everyone from our year have been looking side ways to me' they garanteed me that they were but still i didnt believe them... once again when i was going home waiting for the bus another teacher passed by and she said the exact same thing as the first teacher did and i thanked her but it made me feel even worse and i did cry but not outside but yes from the inside, oncr i got home i decided to change...

With this problem i feel still guilty, for what i've done yes it is my fault and i do deserve to be like this i know, but in high school in the first years it wasn't great too, but i prefer not to talk about it... however recently it was the advent fair at school. And it was wear what you like day, so i wore these bright orange jeans and once i reached school it started...

Today, was the day i brought my teacher and my head of year a present and wrote a christmas card... i went to see my teachet at lunch and she knew i wanted to speak to both of them because i told her and i wanted to speak again about the situation but when she spoke to me about it, she regreted that to happen because it was wasting her time and my head of year's time and she felt that if i carried in talking about it i wouldnt go anywhere and that made me feel very upset and rejected but not being wanted.... but she did clarify that she did want to hear my angel side but did not want to deal with my devil side yet that still didnt make me feel better... with the card i went to find my head of year he wasnt in his office i was unsure to leave it in his desk or not... so i did leave it but at the end of the school day i did the exact same thing with my teacher's card and poped it underneath her door for her to see it tomorrow morning. However i've still got my presents to give to them and dont feel brave in giving to them, but i do want to give it to them because i wanna thank for eveything that they've done for me...

My teacher even encouraged me to talk to childline, but i felt that i wasnt ready enough for that, but as days were passing i decided that ot was maybe the right thing to do so she gave me the number and i telephoned them on school days i couldnt phone at home because it would give away so every lunch time i phoned them for like 4-5 times but then i stopped because of a specific reason (mock exams, they were going on and that would give me less oppotunity to phone them, so since then i've stopped completely)

Yet i didn't make me change the guilty i had inside of me, i felt even more hatered inside me, so i decided to self-harm... and i did that for a week untill i revealed that situation (of self-harm) to my teacher, and her determination was to not do it again if i did she will have to report it to somebody and that person would have to talk to my parents. And i didn't want that so i decided to not self harm, i even went to confession at school, i had a couseller and yet i still do to build up my self-confidence and other things... However, my couseler has no idea of this situation but has noticed that something has happened in the past, i regret revealing that to her because i feel that i havent got enough courage or trust as i have had with my head of year and my teacher, yet the confession hasn't worked...

I've told a teacher, i felt like i could trust her, when i revealed her the situation i wasn't expected that kind of reaction - being positively and honest by saying i wasn't the one to blame, yet in the end i felt the need in telling someone else so i did and told my head of year... yet i wasn't brave enough to tell him the situation so my teacher went along with me to help express the problem, again the same reaction as my teacher had again i wasnt expecting it

I've been having many problems in the past... But suddendly i felt inside of me that it was time to deal with them, so for the past couple of weeks i've been trying to find courage, and faith in myself but it ain't that easy. I've never told this to nobody, i have no friends in school and no one knows nothing about this problem, this fear,  this guiltyness i have inside of me. But yet i've been crying and i've found the need in telling someone so i did...