Bom dia, gente linda mais um dia de aulas. Mas desta  vez um dia a começar de mais ou menos. Tipo ande de calcoes e meia calça e sinto que me estao a julgar por traz. Tento ingnorar mas e tao dificil as vezes. Mas as vezes veijo raparigas a andar como eu e sinto que nunca sao gozadas ou julgadas. Mas ja eu sinto que sou differente. Mas prontos e a vida. Tive um jantar mais pessoas do trabalho uma festa / jantar de natal com as pessoas que trabalho no trabalho. Tive medo de ir de me sentir sozinha tudo bem que quando tou no trabalho eu falo pra eles mas tinha medo tar numa messa sozinha. Ta quase a desistir. Mas cheguei por ir e agreditar que ia correr tudo bem. E correu as pessoas falaram pra mim houve momentos que me senti sozinha mas nunca pensei que ia ser como foi. Foi simplemente unica e fantastico o dia. Ate que houve um rapaz que me queria pagar o taxi pra ir pra casa que tinha medo que acondecese me algo por cauza de ser mt tarde. Mas nao aceitei e foi a pe. Mas do resto nao tenho mais de intresante pra contar. Bem tou no ir gente porque vou ter aula daqui a pouco. Beijo ate o proximo post. 

Bom dia pessoal, ultimamente tenho andado ocupada. È a escola, è o trabalho e tudo ao mesmo tempo. Ontem tive um pouco em baixo porque tava com dores de cabeça mesmo e tipo quase que me sentia mal no trabalho, mas ja estou melhor hj. Mais daqui a pouco vou trabalhar de novo. Mas amanha tenho um domingo pela primeira vez livre o que e bom. Tenho andado com um penamenro na cabeça que rou mais forte do que nunca com a ajida que tive na escola ajudou me bue e que tenho pessoas bues importantes do meu lado apoiar me o que torna as coisas mais um pouco facil. As vezes e dificil conseguir lutar contra tudo e todos esse pensamento mas outras vezes e mais facil. Sei e agredito que vou conseguir ser feliz um dia, basta agreditar e lutar pra isso. Tenho uma novidade pra voces o meu ex mandou me msg na terça e ja nao falo com ele a mais de 1 mez e algums dias. Bem eu vi a msg e nao respondi. E é assim que vai ser nao o quero falar pwlo menos nao por agora talvez no futuro nao sei mas neste momento tou bem e tipo ele deziludiu me bue e nao consigo falar com ele a mesma e tipo quero distancia dele neste momento pra nao sofrer mais. Mas tambem nesta semana la pra quarta ou quinta ele mandou msg a minha prima a dizer ola que tinha saudades da companhia minha que proguntou por mim e isto e aquilo. Vez se logo tipo ele tem namorada e quase atirar a minha prima que tinha saudades dela, agora veijo mesmo o gaijo que ele e mas prontos e a vida. So quero e distancia dele. Bem gente linda eu agora tenho de me ir arranjar, ate ao proximo post beijao.

Bom dia minha gente linda, hoje vou tipo passiar por uma razão especifica que tem a ver com o trabalho. Na quinta feira, tive psicolga, e contei a historia do meu ex. Fez me bem dezabafar por tipo foi como tivesso fechado a pagina de um livro, pra treminar a tristeza e etc. Agora tou melhor, ja nao penso tanto nele e tal e consigo seguir agora em frente. A minha sessao de pesicolga tremina pra semana, e depois disso ja nao tenho mais. Sei que vai ser um peso, mas vou conseguir lidrar o meus problemas sozinhas sei que sou capaz. Mas quiser ter mais psicolgo mais pra frente ou de 15 minutos so posso o ter a mesma mas ja nao e aquela de 45 minutos. Agora tou no comboio e depois conto vos mais novidades quando poder. Ate ao proximo post beijinhos.

Frase: "Seguir em frente e uma guia, ficar presa é um paso a traz."

Bom dia gente, mais um dia de aulas. Objetivo continua a ser o mesmo, em poder ter confiança e poder falar avontade sem medos com pessoas e fazer novos amigos... Ontem foi as minhas redes sociais e vi la algo que me deixou a pensar se era uma pra mim. Mas tipo nao sei ze foi uma indireta pra mim... mas se foi prontos e que essa tal pessoa pensa nao tenho que creticar so respeitar a opiniao da pessoa. Mas prontos se essa pessoa ler isto e tudo mentira, e pode esquecer tudo. Mas se nao foi nao sei, ate la nao digo mais nada sobre o assunto. 

Frase: As vezes certas pessoas conseguem nos iludir e enganar de uma certa forte que nunca imaginavamos pensar ou reviver...

Bom dia, gente linda. Ultimamente tenho vivido os dias normais. Sem obstaculos a intermeter. Consegui o trabalho, ja trabalhei este fim semana e vou voltar a trabalhar sexta-feira o que e bom. Putra boa noticia e que sinto cada vez mais confiante ao cada dia que passa. Em termos de conseguir falar mais pras pessoas e tal. Nao so no trabalho ao que tava nervosa e tal mas consegui, mas que comecei as aulas de novo ontem consegui o fazer ontem. Aos poucos e poucos sinto que vou conseguir, e sei que sou capaz. Por agora tou feliz assim sem num objetaculo a intermeter pra conseguir estragar isso tudo. E voltar ao nivel 1 da minha vida que e tristeza e desgosto. 

Frase: Dia a pos dia, agredito que sou capaz e que vou conseguir. Basta fé e confiança aos primeiros passos e conseguirei.

Boa noite... ultimamente tenho andado bue em baixo. E voltaram os pensamentos de sempre... que eu nak fazo falta a niguem, porque eu vim ao mundo... etc. E hoje a poucos miuntos voltei a magoar -me... peguei na faca olhando pra ela e pensando por estantes... quando tou fe dou comigo a fazer ranhoies no braço. Nao sei porque o fiz, mas sinto me mal por o ter feito. E tenho medo de voltar ao mesmo.... Estes dias tenhem sido mt difíceis pra mim... Desculpem mas hoje nao me apetece muito escrever, vou dormir beijocas e ate ao proximo post.

Boa noite gente linda, nada de novo pra contar. Tudo na mesma. Nada de progressos. Mas posso vos dizer que tou a conseguir a seguir em frente. Tipo sim tenho saudades dos boms momentos com ele, mas o final feliz treminou de uma certa forma pra cada um seguir o seu caminho. Ele escolheu o dele e so espero que ele seija feliz com a dama dele. Agora falta eu encontrar o meu princepe encantado... se ele ezistir claro... hahaha 😁😂 bem vou nanar, beijocas dormam bem. Ate ao proximo post. 

Bom dia gente, os meus dias ultimamente nao tenhem sido os mesmos... tp tenho me sentindo vontade numa de sorrir, de tar tristeza de nada mesmo. E o problema e que nao sei o porque de me sentir assim. E estranho eu sei mas nao consigo preceber o porque. De nao sentir fazer nada, de desejar, de sorrir, etc. Mas prontos...hoje tenho uma intrevista, vamos ver como corre. Como se escalhar tenhem reparado eu agora raramente escrevo mt, e nao e normal. Porque tipo eu amo escrever e quando escrevo esquece nao consigo parar. Mas estes dias tem sido um longo caminho sem sabendo o porque de nao ter a mesma vontade de escrever como dantes... Agora tenho de ir, beijocas e ate o proximo post.

Bom dia gente linda, hoje tenho aulas mais tarde vou so ter a primeira aula daqui a pouco. O meu dia de ontem nem correu bem nem mal simplesmente foi normal. O meu maior deseijo e que isto tudo volta se a ser o mesmo. Ao que era dantes. Tp eu e o meu ex a falar como dantes todos os dias na brincadeira, dia e noite. Sei que nao vai ser como namorados mas queria que fosse como amigos como dantes no principio quando nos nos conhecemos. O meu segundo maior deseijo e ser feliz e confiante. Treiceiro encontrar o meu grande amor se for possivel. Quartro ir pra portugal de vez. E quinto que as pessoas que me rodeiam seijam felizes porque elas merecem sem duvida. Sobre tudo o meu ex,  por alem de ele ter me magoado ele merece tudo de com a sua dama e deseijo as melhores felicidades do mundo pra eles. Bem eu vou indo e logo ou  amanha contou vos o resto do meu dia de hj ou de ontem.  Beijocas ate o proximo post. 

Frase: Luta pelos os teus desejos e objectivos da vida e nao pelo o contrário que e manter nos pesadelos e nas tristezas sem fazer nada. 

Bom dia pessoal, vou ter aula de saude, ontem desde o ultimo poste que postei tp nao sinto normal. Nao sinto com vontade de tar feliz teiste tipo sinto que o mundo parou de alguma maneira pra eu manter me estavil, tp sem reagir a nada. O meu ex continua na minha mente... hj vou ver a minha psicolga (desculpa o meu portugese). Tou a pensar de uma vez falar com ela sobre o assunto, mas tp ao mesmo tempo nao sei se vale a pena. Sera? Tipo ao mesmo tempo nao o quero esquecer ne tipo, e dificil de esplicar... mas daqui a pouco veijo. Ate logo ou ate o próximo post. Beijocas.

Frase: Afasta-te dos maus pensamentos, e refelete-te nos boms momentos. 

Bom dia  gente cada dia que passa parece ser normal. Nada de bom nem nada de mau simplesmente normal. Algo de estranho tipo nao sei se vos contei mas tipo o meu ex ja me mandou 2 vezes nao seguidas, 2 vezes msgs assim do nada e tp ontem faziamos 5 mezes de amizade/conhecimento. E ele meteu like na minha foto de perfil nas minhas redes sociais. E tp assim do nada e a foto era antiga. Mas nos nao falamos, tp desde de na semana passada que mandei lhe msg, que nao falamos. E tp nada de textos nada de nada especialmente porque cauza do dia de ontem. Vale mt a amizade dele mas tipo nao vou sempre ser eu a mandar msgs, eu tenho saudades de tudo mesmo mas tipo tbm nao mando msgs pro meu proprio bem. Se vocês entendem ne... Acho que e melhor assim pros dois. Sim tenho saudades de quando tinha ou nap tinha aulas que falavamos todos os dias dia e noite mas isso acabou infelizmente :( e a vida. So tenho que seguir em frente. Mas entretanto a minha escola ta a correr bem e tal e bem ou mau tou me adapetar bem. Conversinhas pra ali ou pra cola, mas agredito que vou conseguir fazers amizades novas. Neste momento por um lado quero paz em certos assuntos mas nos outros assuntos quero alegria e felicidade. 

Frase: Mater -te FORTE é uma palavra forte. Mas tentar seguir em frente paso a paso, dia após dia e mais fácil... fica a dica.

Bom dia, ontem arrecebi a chamada e advinham so? Eles querem uma segunda intrevista. O que e bom. Vamos ver se e mesmo desta que consigo um part-time. Vou ter aula agora de saude. Amanha escrevo outro post. Ou se consegui hj prometo que escrevo outro. Beijo seguidores e ate a proxima.

Bom dia, ontem a entrevista correu bem eu acho. Agora tenho ate hoje a espera de uma chamada pra saber a resposta. Logo digo-vos algo. Agora tenho aulinhas. Beijocas ate logo. Sei que nal tenho tado mt colada ao blog. Mas tenho tentado os posiveis pra isso. Mais uma vez tenho que ir porque vpu ter aula asseguir. Ate ja ou ate logo.

Boa tarde, pessoal acaminho de uma intrevista de trabalho.  Vamos ver se tenho sorte desta vez. Tenho tido azar prp meu primeiro emprego. Sera que e desta? Vamos ver. Daqui a pouco dou-vos a novidade. Ate ja beijocas.

I have been far away from my blog, i starting to think to create some kind of vlogs or anything simular. I have 2 channels on youtube one called "Covers a loucura" and the other one "secret anonymous" please subcribe and once i get a fair amount of subscribers i will indeed procced with the idea. My days have gone normal not bad not good. But i am not that upset no more, and want to indeed be happy as i reckon i deserve to be. Bascially i planning to do videos on youtube one channel relates to blogging and the other to any other things really. Wish you all a good night and talk you on the next post.

Bom dia, desculpem ontem nao ter escrevido mas nao deu mesmo... mas hoje contou vos que o dia correu me bem :D o meu ex mandou me msg sem eu dizer nada... e sinto que voltou tudo ao mesmo como começou no inicio amigos unidos :) Estou feliz que consegui ultrapassar esse enorme passo. O meu amigo fala cmg agora normal como dantes na brincadeira. E prontos baquicamente sao estas as novidades.  Neste momento começo a pensar que nada esta perdido, e que eu vou conseguir ser feliz agredito que sim. Beijocas ate logo, vou ter aulas daqui a pouco. Logo passo por aqui, e edito o post e conro-vos mais como correu este dia. Ate logo
Bom dia, gente desculpam nao ter publicado nada ontem mas eu tinha me desquecido. Mas ontem o resto do dia correu me bem por acaso. E hj tou mais ou menos positiva quw vai correr vai ser um dia bem e mal ao mesmo tempo. Mas nao tenho aserteza se conseguir lpgo escrevo outro post, e conto vos td como correu a meu dia de hj, com algumas novidades pra voces. Beijos ate logo.

Hoje o dia ate agora tem tado calmo. Mas hoje nao sei o porque nao me sinto com vontade de fazer nada, nao consigo me animar hoje por mais que tente nao consigo. Neste momento sinto que o meu ceu, o meu mundo, o meu universo ta cizento, preto e branco e nada colurido... Talvez possa tar enrrada nao sei mas se calhar um dia vou conseguir ser feliz, e vou olhar pra traz com muito orgulho tudo pelo o que paseei, lutei, alcancei pra chegar ao ponto onde cheguei no futuro pra ser feliz. E poder coluirir, o meu ceu azul, ver o meu sol a nascer, e ser pintado em laranja-amarelo. Posso tar enganada mas acho que um dia vou conseguir ter o meu mundo animado, colurido, e positivamente feliz e contente... So que neste momento isso tudo parece ser impossível, posso tar me a iluzidir, mas neste momento nao sei onde estar, agreditar se vou conseguir altrapassar este grande obstaculo... ser feliz pelo uma vez na vida interna. Mas prontos so tenho que viver um dia de cada vez ao maximo e ver como corre os meus dias daqui a diante.

Hoje o dia treminou, em pleno postivo. Um rapaz veio me pedir desculpa por cauza de uma cena do outro dia, uma longa historia. Mas tipo agora tamos normal na brincadeira como dantes. Mas prontos um dia de cada vez e tudo ira mudar pra bem (meu nome). Agredito que sim. Mas logo veremos.... vou dormir ate amanha, amanha escrevrei outro post. Beijocas, Boa noite.  

Frase: Ao alcançares os teus dezeijos, objetivos, sonhos, conseguirares um simples sorriso que pode fazer toda a diferença, ao mudar muita coisa no teu mundo. Com uma simples coisa muita coisa pode mudar, e pode mudar pro melhor.

Desde o ultimo post tenho andando pensando na vida. Amava poder ser feliz com alguem mas acho que isso e impossivel. Neste momento a minha vida ta numa confusão.  Nao sei para que caminho virar, e seguir. Nao sei mesmo. As vezes tenho vontade e deseparecer daqui e nunca mais voltar, ja passei por muito e as vezes sinto e penso sera que vale a pena continuar a lutar pela a minha felicidade. As vezes da-me vontade de desistir mas sei que sinto algo dentro de mim de ainda me continuar a viver. Nao sei bem o que mas sei que exite. Vamos ver como corre os dias daqui em diante. E veremos a minha a resposta se devo continuar ou mesmo desistir. Sinto que nao tenho mesmo sorte nehuma: em arranjar emprego, em ter o meu verdadeiro princepe encando, tem aumentar a auto estima pra alto nivel, conseguir e poder falar a vontade, defender me de mim propria, de conseguir arranjar amigos novos, de muita coisa mesmo. Mas prontos e a vida e so tenho que viver um dia de cada vez ao maximo.

Frase: Nunca desistas do mais deijeixas na vida. Luta contra tudo e todos pra alcançares os teus sonhos e dezeijos. Nada é impossível.

Hoje nao foi pra escola. O que quer dizer que nao pode ir ver a minha psicóloga mas foi num passeio da escola, o melhor do colégio que e assim que se trata. Acondeceu postivos e negativos. 

• Tive todas as informações que presissava, pra passar no meu trabalho do curso do collegio. (Positivo)
• Nao tinha niguem pra andar de voltas nos caronseis - caronseis de varios tipos, the agua, de comboio de tudo mesmo. (Negativo). Continuando dai ao ir-me asentar eu tava a tentar ocupar o meu tempo, quando derepente uma rapariga veio ter comigo e proguntou me se queria andar com elas. E eu diz sim, sim pode ser. Foi eu e mais outras rapagrias - no total de 5 pessoas. (Positivo).
• Desde ai andei o tempo todo com elas, comi o lanche com elas andei nos caronseis com elas, etc. Ate tiramos fotos e videos (Positivo).
• Um obvio negativo, e que nao falei muito sim ouve momentos que falava e elas tbm comigo, mas eu uma vez mais nao tentei arriscar me em pequenos riscos. Como por exemplo falar um pouco mais. Tou contente que ate consegui falar mais ou menos. Mas agredito que vou conseguir no futuro ;)

Conculindo ate me diverti ao maximo. Houve gargalhas e tudo. Ao menos conseguir por os meus pensamentos tristes de parte. Ao lers os meus recente posts do meu blog vocês vao preceber o que involve. 

Uma novidade, que ontem a noite acondeceu, foi que a minha prima mandou msg pra mim a dizer que uma certa pessoa tinha lhe mandado uma msg. Eu proguntei quem ela diz me. E desse momento pra mim o mundo pra mim parecia que tinha acabado ou parado.  Daquele momento ele nao me saia da cabeça cada vez mais. Ate que passado um bom tempo ela contou me mais coisas e chegou a um ponto que ele proguntou por mim. E tipo vocês que lerem isto vao preceber o que senti naquele momento. Mas prontos e a vida. Talvez mereça por mts erros que cometi no passado. Nao ele nao foi um erro, ele foi a melhor coisa que acondeceu na vida... mas que infelizmente acabou. Tempo a tempo sento que vou conseguir ser feliz, mas neste momento isso parece ser impossível.  Nada e impossivel, e eu agredito que sim eu vou conseguir ser feliz, e que isto tudo vai passar e melhorar.

Frase: Ao momento que plenas uma coisa em qual tu pensas que nao vai acondecer... num segundo passado essa coisa aparece e te surpreende completamente.

Hoje vou escrever em portugese. A muito tempo que nao escrevo, e muita coisa acondeceu. Infelizmente o meu namoro treminou com a pessoa especial por razoes pessoais, que nao me sinto bem por dizer. Por o lado foi a razao principal que acabamos foi vinda dele, pk ele afetou me muito e magou-me muito por uma voisa que ele fez. Mas nos treminamos os dois basicamente, custou me bue pk tipo eu gostava mesmo dele. Sinto falta dos nos momentos de tudo mesmo. E neste momento nao sei pk mas nao consigo falar avontade com ele eu tava a conseguir mas de repente nao sei o que acondeceu... isso parrou. Ainda penso o porque. E tudo mais. Houve lagrimas, mas continha insitir saudade mesmo porque tipo eu nao consigo preceber o porque disto. O porque que acabou porque tipo era tudo perfeito. O porque de tudo mesmo. Ele fez me sentir na mulher mais feliz do mundo, ele trouse me alegria, felicidade, tudo de bom e ensinou me o que realmente significa a palavra amor. 

Mas prontos e a vida. Eu so tenho que aceotar e seguir em frente. E se um dia preceber que e com ele que quero ficar ai sim eu vou lutar contra tudo e todos pra o ter de volta. Mas neste momento sinto que quero paz e nao pensar nessas coisas por agora. O meu sentimento neste momento e ficar solteira porque assim nao sofro e nao volto a ter medo de voltar a sofrer. E assim ao menos tou bem e prontos.... vou tentado escrevendo ao maximo. Hoje dia 7 se nos tivessemos juntos meu amor (que saudade de lhe chamar isto) fazia 3 mezes de namoro. Mas infelizmente nao :'( Mas dia 20 fazemos 5 mezes de amizade pelo menos e algo que ainda resta. 

Durante as minhas ferias fora no verao, fiz novos amigos e houve um amigo especial que me deu apoio. E dia 19 faz 3 mezes que nos conhecemos e nos tornamos amigos. Ele apoio me neste momenti dificil. Pos me a sorrir a tentar conseguir voltar a ser feliz por da me conselhos, entrar me em brincadeiras... Sim posso dizer foi uma luta em grande pra conseguir aultrapassar isto, eu ja o esqueci sim, mas ainda continuo a pensar em tudo. Ele nao me sai da cabeça, as vezes penso que ele veio pra aqui onde eu tou pra voltar pra mim. As vezes tenho presentimentos que o veijo em que parece ele na rua, e venho a ver que nao e. Ainda continuo no psicólogo, a aumentar a minha auto-estima e amanha vou ter uma sessao com ela e sinto que pressiso de debafar com alguem me preceba e me de conselhos. Tou a pensar em lhe contar mas ao menos tempo nao sei.

Frase: Vive um dia de cada vez ao máximo. Porque um dia mundo pode acabar e pode te deixar arrependimento e triste por nao ters feito coisas que gostarias de fazer... 

Long time no see... This week has been a long and lovely week spent with my cousin Ines.

Monday Afternoon: I went to the local place where my boyfriend lives, with my cousin, and her friends. I spent time with him. Met new places, had alot of fun, lot of kissing, and love was made. Went to a spooky but interesting house of the town. And alot happened in there. Kissing, touches involved. Truth or Dare game was played. And lot's more. Time and Time passed until it was time to go home.

Tuesday Afternoon: Went to my boyfriend's place, where he lives in the local centre of the actual place (in Frazao). Couldn't be with him on that day because he had already planned on that day, with his friends, that was already planned in ages. So my afternoon was spent with my cousin's friends. Hard for me to speak, but spoke abit more, than i did. Not much, but a bit, made alot difference. Bit by bit, i will build my timid problems, and courage to be able to speak, and not be worried about what others may think or even say. But apart from that my evening was spent nicely done.

Wednesday afternoon: Spent time with my boyfriend, once more. Played basketball with him and my cousin. Waiting for her friends to arrive, so me and him could spend some more time alone. Conversations were made. Kissing always present. But more and more intense touches...  Time passing by, until it was time to go to the river and have a swim, and sunbathe. He had picked me up, and put me in the water. I screamed because i was scared to drawn. We played with a basketball in water. Myself and my boyfriend went sunbathing together. Silly and happy moments were spent together... Until it the time reached to go home. And a goodbye was made between me and him.

Thursday afternoon: Planning to spend time with him once again. Last day at my cousin's house. But he, wouldn't reply me, nor answer the phone. Left text messages, but no replies back, i was starting to believe that he wasn't going to come, since he had already said that he would... I went to same place that i went on Wednesday, down the river, and met 2 more of my cousin's friends and 1 that i ready met before. And spent time with them and my cousin, even when to one of the girl's house and had snack at her house with the other girls, but no sign of my boyfriend. After awhile me, my cousin and one of the girl's went down to the river, but the other 2 had to go home. Time passed it was 6 pm. Boyfriend sent a text to call him. I called him. And he was on his way. He had to go out, and had left his phone at home... Soonly he arrived  with his friend, by riding on bikes... We spent only just about 10-15 minutes together, it was little but good, and it was at least something, better than nothing. Until time was passed and i had to go home. Goodbye was given, after their companion half-way (boyfriend, his friend and my cousin's friend). Then we went home.

FRIDAY 7TH AUGUST 2015: It was the day 1 month of celebration, that me and my boyfriend, were made together/united since the 7th of July 2015. In the afternoon, i spent time with him. Both alone with him, and with my cousin that had to come with him, otherwise i wouldn't have permission to leave the house to be able to to meet up with him alone. It was myself, my cousin Renata, her brother had she one way or other had to bring, because she had to look after him. And then it was my boyfriend and his best friend, like bother, Nuno. They had come to my home local place by their bikes, because from where they live it's far away, if they had walked. Conversations were made.. I had given my gift that i had made for this special day (it was a letter written by me, talking about out memories, but the most important revealing to him, of how much I love him). He read it and loved it. He confessed that he had something for me, but had forgotten, because of leaving the house in a flash. But admitted, that he would, give it to me when we next meet up together. Time was spent both alone with him, and times were spent in companion with everyone at the event. Laughter, and smiles were involved on that day. 2-3 hours spent together, very little for me, but i loved it, and I lived the moment again, as like when it all started. I love my boy, more and more as days go passed.

Time and time passes fast, that it's reaching the moment, to go back to where it was, being more long distance away from him, and go back to the country that i'm unfortunately living, ( because of poverty, in where i actually belong, which is where i'm currently, spending holidays at the moment). Thinking about long distance, it's going to be hard to be away from him, for a long time, but nothing or nobody will destroy this true love, this emotion felt inbetween us two. Not even our memories, or even happiness.... <3

Saturday 25th july, at night spent it with boyfriend and a few memebers of my family at a party. Only me and him know what happened, itimate close up, went on a ride, with him and his friend. And more stuff happened at that night, kisses, intense bits, hugs, and holding hands and more few bits. But i saw my antie, i was holding hands, i let it go once i noticed her, i talked go her and everything. But then i went worried that she might tell my uncle, and my uncle may pass it on to my dad, which both him and my mother don't know about our relatipnship. I panicked. later that night when the night was over to go home i gave him one last kiss and hug and went home. (Alot happened that night). Sunday 26th July, was a decisive day, it was everthing or nothing. The day had reached early, time passed, more worriness, panicking and being nervous happened. Untill i received a call from dad, and i told him to pass to my mother i told her and the way she talked it seemed that she had accepted the relationship, but then when she passed it to my dad i manage to confess it to him. He said horrible things, that i didn't like hearing but it's life 😢😳😔 i will have to wait for tomorrow, and let him and give him time to think carefully. And wait untill he next calls me, possibly tomorrow. Hope to receive good news. Because i dont want to lose my baby, he's everthing for me. But if he countines to not accept him, it's not because of him not accepting that i will permit for the relationship to end. Yes i might not have all the courage, to take that further step, but i will gain it and fight against everyone and everthing, to maintain with the boy i love with all my love. <3

Yesterday, 20th of July i was with my boyfriend, and it was an incredible but a very incredible day. Lot of fun was on, throwing water, massages on back was given. More intense kisses and touches were given. until i managed to take his t-shirt off him. and allowing him to touch me calmly and not brutally, and disrespecting my decision to go fast and going further in steps, that i didn't want to. He respects me, and day by day i believe that he will be the man of my life. I love him so strongly, that i can't imagine my life with out him. The whole evening was spent with him, from 3/4 pm until 6 pm. Because he had to go with his friend home at that time. I went to the river, had a swim with cousin and a few of her friends. This week that passed by i met new people and made new friends, and was the day on Monday to spend time with boyfriend, but of course the weekend and the Monday the days to spend more time with cousin the side of my dad's family that i'm not that close, i loved it and i would like to repeat it. I also went out at night with them, at a party, and went on the rides. But during that weekend, and on-wards, I've been receiving threats from a telephone number that i don't know who it is, saying that my dad will know everything, but i don't know what the number is on about. And i'm worried it relates to my past, to my big secret, my big fear. But my boyfriend believes it's not, its something to do with me and him, because he did, also say that my dad will know what i'm doing here (the place i am to spend holidays, because i came earlier). So he believes its something to do with me and him. And i'm more decisive to really tell him and me and him go out, that we are boyfriend and girlfriend. But my fear is that if he doesn't accept it, and goes for me not seeing him or even speaking to him again. My mother will definitely accept it, i believe it that but father is harder, because he creates films in his mind that: i'm to young to have a boyfriend, what if he will make you suffer, those kind of things. But he will never do that, i'm super happy with him, and day by day i believe and trust in him, and know that he will always be there, when i most need help. Every time i'm feeling low, he can always cheer me up, and make my smile grow and make it last long enough.

Today it's a special day for me and my boy, because today it's 2 months that i met him across the internet. But also it's getting closer to day 7 which it's a special day, because it will make 1 month since all this relationship all started. Day 5th of July, i still remember was the day i first met him personally, and on the 5th of august will be a 1 month since that day occurred. I'm super happy, and i couldn't be more happier than ever. 

Have been happier like never, with my boy. Last night, we spoke honestly that i landed on our biggest secret. He told me his, and i have planned the other day to tell him, but i wasn't brave enough to speak up, but i did yesterday. I gave all my trust on him, and now he knows. But if he speaks it out my life ends completely. But i believe in him and he promised not to tell anyone. He didn't judge me, he gave me all his respect and caring to cheer me up as my tears was running down my eyes. But as this blog is anonymously i will confess my secret here and now:

It all started in the summer when finished primary school, and I had few friends, but I wanted more friends. And I wanted more until I added people who I didn't know at all. Until it came to a boy who seemed an age of 18, 19, 20, something like that. But I was about 10-11. We talked on MSN chat, he called me, beautiful, princess and everything ... until it got to the point, in that he wanted something more from me ... He wanted me to take my clothes off on web. I refused, and he stopped talking to me, Until it came to a day that I missed him, and went back to talk to him. But he only spoke to me if I did what he wanted. Until it came to me having courage and did it, I felt I could trust him but it took it in steps slowly, like levels and he accepted. Level 1 one lifted her skirt and showed my bottom but with panties. He then wanted the top Level 2 i put my skirt  down, I took the sweater, with taking my bra down, and covered the breasts with his hands making strange movements. Then dressed the whole top again. We reached the level 3 he wanted me to be completely naked, but I didn't want to, it make me feel less comfortable. I made up stories, like for example that my parents were coming, that was honestly the truth, I then invented some more excuses. But he pressed me until it got to the point that he threatened me and said that if I don't do what he wants then he would put the images on the internet, on YouTube. But at the start he had promised that he wouldn't do that. I trusted him, but now he threatens me... He continued to insist, until I got to a point and made a decision, which was blocking him, and i did it... I never heard more of him anymore. My fear is still that he has put the images on YouTube, my fear is that it can happen all the same again, it wouldn't happen again, but you never know it can happen by someone forcing me to do it, or something similar. My fear is that someone discovering my big secret. My greatest fear and that if someone finds out included my parents, my life will definitely end, and I say this for the deep truth.

My boy didn't judge me, he said that his opinion continues the same. in positively opinion. He gave him all the support, that i most needed. He gave everything a girl deserves, in certain reasons i think i don't deserve it. But I love him truly, and day 7th of August will make a month that he started going out, in being boyfriend and girlfriend. And I've been preparing something to offer him, but he doesn't know, that i'm gonna give him something, because i want to make it secret, until the day. But when i give it to him i will reveal it on here.

Today Friday 10th July 2015, 3rd meeting with my boy :D Perfectly, i came out of the house hiding a way from grandma, because worried for her not to let me go. I saw her, but she didn't see me i walked fastly, waiting to meet up with him. I walked to the place, waiting for him, and i got there early but he hadn't arrived. Waiting, waiting people passing by but not him, but then after 1, 2 or even 3 minutes after, i felt his presence coming, and as i turn my head to the side i look and it was HIM :) Kiss on the lips and hug was given. Afterwards we walked to our special place where everything started, the special garden, but until we reached there there were holding hands, there were kisses and hugs.

Soonly we got there, and much more closely him hugging me whilst behind me and me in front holding his hands. More wildly touches and actions were happening and me loving it. Lot happened in that meeting, i massaged him he loved it, i managed to sing to him, it was hard but i managed to do it. He loved it and smiled that's what he said haha, and a passionate kiss happened. He picked me up, and carried me, we crossed the bridge where there was more grass, i lied down with him, kissing even more passionately. Rolling around and around haha :P people passing but we as passionate and crazily as we are stopped few times to see if anyone passed by. But we still continue, i even told him a story, from remembering how everything started. Him giving me touches up and down on the back with the point of his finger tips. Kisses happened. When he was on top of me i felt putting my hands inside onto his back giving him the passionate kisses. I then slide my hands down slowly thinking whilst kissing him if i should do it, and if i'm doing the right thing. But letting my self go i did it, and found it strange because it was something new, all of this is new to me. But loved it. More kissing, more loving hugs was happening, even against the tree and standing up. He lied on my bottom saying it was cuddly and sexy, and me disagreeing. Gave me bites on my bottom, ear and on face. And a few other things happened.

Sooner or later time was passing to fast, and time was ending quicker... It was time to leave him, we walked back up to where we met, holding hands, in the middle of crossing another bridge we talk our first photos together,... As we got to the place last kisses and hugs were giving. Until i had to go for definite, letting go of his hands, me crossing the road, last smiles given. Me going to one side of the street and him another. As i got home i talked to him straight away, few issues occurred when i got home. But it's nothing that with patience and enough thinking to resolve it, can be truly and completely resolved. I tidied the house with my cousin whilst messaging to him. Talked to him whilst on the phone, having alot of laughter and fun together me and him, and his friend that was with him at his home. But now waiting for him, to return because he went to a party of the town, and i will wait as long as it takes for him to return... Good Night.

Meeting up with him, and something new happening...

Got up in the morning, ready: break-first, clothes chosen to wear, hair down, make- up, everything I complete. As time was getting closer I was becoming more excited, and more anxious to be with him. When it comes to the time, I left the house, when it comes to turn the corner of the street, i breath slowly, and calm myself down, as I walk I notice somebody waiting on the other side of the street, and realize it was him. I cross the road, kiss him on the cheek and him giving the same thing to me, the kiss on my cheek. We walked and talked and i felt more comfortable in being alone to him. As we reach down the destination near the river, instead crossing the bridge where many people pass i decided to stay on the side where hardly anyone walks pass, because then i can feel more comfortable to be with him. As we walk, we side to stop, and i asked him where do you want to go, and he replied next to a tree, and i answered which one, and he said which one it was, so i walked forwardly and looked around as he followed me. He grabbed my hands, touched my arms, leading to hugs, kissing on cheeks and little bits he gave me, but nothing came from me just hugs. As his lips slides down from forehead, to nose, to cheeks going down to lips. I breath slowly and calmly. He kisses me on the lips, and i shake inside, i breath slowly and say to myself, let it happen calmly, (my name), don't turn away, and he carries on kissing, until suddenly i begin to accept and kiss him back. As progressing it leads to kiss with tongue. We hugged, kissed, and kissed, for a while, until we decide to find a different place where there would be shade and somewhere to sit. As we were walking we were holding hands.

As we find a place, we talk, more kisses happen, i feel even more comfortable permitting in action what was happening. He sat on the rock, i sat on his lap, back to kisses, hugs, kisses in many places neck, nose, arm, etc. but not lower than that. Meanwhile we got up kissed against the tree, i lifted my leg up and he picked me up, I was scared to fall, but he told me to trust in him, And i did. More passionate kisses were involved. Furthermore, we walked and he was behind me with his arms around me and him kissing on my shoulder. We went near the sunshine, more kisses were involved. Yes we did talked.

After a while. we went down to another tree,  but him sitting down and me standing up, more intense kisses occurred, talking more involved, he even wanted me to sing, but i wasn't ready, because i never sang in personally to anyone, and i was timid to do so. But he did sing to me, haha so cute in what he sang. More kisses meanwhile were involved stood up, next to a tree, leg was involved, him touching my bottom :P and me pushing him more against me even harder. As it was getting more passionate, he was putting his hands on my shirt and going up, but i stopped the kissing, and breathed slowly, whilst this made me recognized my biggest fear, in my biggest secret that i haven't yet revealed. But he asked what was wrong, it was hard to tell him, but he told me to feel comfortable with him in confessing and i told him that i didn't like what he did with the shirt, and he said sorry to me, And i said, it's OK. I forgive you. Talking and kisses were more involved. Until i asked what he wanted from me from here on wards, in future. And he said can i be honest with you? And i replied yes, you may. And he asked me: Do you want to make out with me (be my girlfriend)? I didn't want to say no, i said yes but i'm fearful of my parents and making you suffer in future. He asked again meanwhile, and i said yes. So now we are Girlfriend and Boyfriend -> i'm super happy :D

After a while we walked the bridge, with hands held together. In the middle of the bridge, he grabbed me up and carried me to the other side of the bridge. He then put me on the floor, hands held together once again, and we sat on different rocks, i sat down on his lap. Massages on my back and kisses were involved, tickles under my arm and feet were involved, more intense kisses were involved. He took my shoes haha, i stood up on the rocks with no shoes, and he grabbed me and played me around spinning me around. Many things happened, and as going back, he put my trainers back on, and asked me do you want to sit up here on my shoulders? I said you can't i weigh to much, and he replied do you want to risk it, i said yes, alright i will take that risk :) So i went, and i was scared to fall, until he crazily decides to take me to a tree, and i said no no no, and he said now try and beg down, and i said i can't. So he then decides to go to the other side, and i manage to beg my head down.

Soonly on his mind, decides to cross the river, i said no no no, i'm going to fall. And he said no you won't, but if you do i will save you. I said OK haha, and then he made laugh with a joke. Until I reach the other side of the bridge, and there's a small circled post made from wood. And tell's me to stand on it i couldn't fit my both my feet, worried to fall but i managed to take the risk :) And guess what happened. I fell back and he catched me hehe :) Kisses involved. As i walk forward, hands held to him, he said that i had a beautiful hair, i didn't understand why. So he told me to stay still, he took a photo, and i saw what was wrong and i had stuff from the trees, not leaves but other stuff, don't know the name for it. But then i took it way.

More hugs, kisses and talking involved whilst we walk. Until a message from my cousin is received to go home to have lunch. And i told her that i was on my way. My boyfriend wouldn't let me go, haha :) i had lied to my grandma that i was going to walk on my own yes that's true but i didn't tell her the fact that i was gonna meet up, especially with a boy. But eventually whilst we were walking, it was getting ready to the destination to separate us apart. Kisses were given, hugs again, conversations made. Wishing to not go away, but i had to. Last touches, on hands, crossing the roads and me and him turning in different directions.

Relationship is gonna maintain secret, until it's the right time for me and him to confess it. Only us and my cousin who i trust and his friend that's also my other cousin who he trusts, knows this secret. But my fear, is my parents finding out, in me telling them or from a different way, and making them decide to separate us apart :( Since i'm 16 and he is 18 and you know what it means, i'm under age and he's over age. But i love him <3 That's what truly matters. Know waiting for another meeting up, maybe tomorrow will happen. But may i need to tell the truth to my grandma and tell her to keep it secret or may i keep on inventing stories, for sooner or later her to discover and tell my parents...

The meeting up with the special boy...

Today was the day i was waiting for and it was truly concertized. I met up with him with my cousin, couldn't do it on my own... However, when i first met him i panicked, as to how is it gonna be, what am i going to talk about and more, questions got inside my my mind. I kissed him on the cheek on both sides, cousin too, but then not much talking from my part was involved, but there was more from him and my cousin. I was so super nervous. As time got passed there was only one hour left of the meeting, i was in a park of infants with them, and i sat on the slide, when the moment came i realized that he came and sat behind me, e touched me, e touched my hair, he massaged me on the back. Until, a moment of a man or woman fell of a motorbike. I looked and walked slowly disappering to the other side, but with out realizing he followed me and when i soon realized he was in front of me. He grabbed me both of my hands and put them on his, sliding up our arms. He blowed me in the ear. We talked a bit more, but not much from my part, he began to come closer, but during that moment i couldn't look at him in the eyes i don't know why but i found it hard. He began to come and go closer and not so closer, i began to breathe slowly and the nervous feeling continued. He had hugged me but i rejected it, but at that moment only me and him on our own, and cousin on the other side. We hugged, and our hugs got stronger. That it lead off to kisses. He kissed me on the check, on the nose, on the forehead leading to get closer to lips. I turned slowly panicking. But he kissed me, he but his lips against my and kissing, i began to shake with nervously and timid feelings. That then he gave me a hug straight away, and said breathe slowly and calmly. Sooner or later nothing much happened and we started walking back as it was getting closer to the hour to go home. I began to come even more silently, and began to walk faster. I was super confused thinking if i was doing the right thing or the wrong thing... If it was normal/natural what had just happened...

As we nearly reached the destination, i asked him one or two questions as i did before what had just happened, he told me that of what he felt for the kiss: saying that he knew it was something more than friendship, and now that for definitely. I began thinking and walking more, until i got his arm on my shoulder and his hand reaching my afterwards pulling me next to him. Him asking what i felt about the kiss. I said i liked but at the same time i don't know. I'm super confused... i can't/ i don't know how to speak the right words, as you know and did see i was super nervous and that i am a very timid person, that i shaked whilst you kissed me. But i can't express the rest of the words worried to hurt you, i'll text you or maybe ringing you, since person to person is very hard for me to speak out things.... Whilst listening to me, we parted from each other, with a hug, and a kiss on the cheek, nearly leading to another kiss on lips. But he felt it was better to not do so, otherwise i could feel even worse. We walked with hands together, but then i let my go, as it was getting closer for me to turn one side and him the other of the street. I felt super anxious and confused that i felt like not saying one last goodbye. My cousin kissed him on the cheek, and she was waiting for me to do so or something even more. But i couldn't so i crossed the road, i know i was rude but i couldn't otherwise i would feel alot worse than i was feeling.

My cousin followed me, he went home i went to with my cousin, but as i was walking i talked about the kiss and everything. As i reached home i texted him talking about the situation, until, i made a decision to meet up with him, but this time for the second time on my own, maybe i feel alot comfortable, and maybe this second day may change for definitely for something more than friendship. I'm waiting for his reply, his last text was at 13:54 and i texted him afterwards with like 4-5 messages. Since 13:54 until know 17:49 that he hasn't responded. I'm worried that I've done something wrong, has he fallen asleep for waking up so early because of the meeting, many and many more questions come to my mind. But i can't get the answer... I shall be patience and wait for a reason why he's doing this, and making me suffer inside for not knowing anything about him... :(

Changes in mood and insecurities back on at the moment. Have been speaking to the boy but today later or closer to night not well because of my mood has changed. And frequently it's been happening quit often, for the moment i can be happy and the next i can change, but oh well it's probably normal. But i definitely don't want to stop to talk to him, i'm not gonna isolate from him. But untill my mood goes back to normal i don't feel like talking to no one, or even do much in particular, and yet be alone to think. But he did mention that i would have a surprise, but didn't tell me what it was, i was going to walk today at night, yet because i love walking, but since my mood is like this i don't know if i want to go, i might as well stay at home and go to sleep. I will see...

Changed my mind...

I've been thinking and thinking alot about the case of the new boy. And he doesn't come out of my mind, i've started talking to him again since saturday-sunday and we're back together to be strong friends like never before. Last night he came to my mind to go to sleep and once again thia morning i woke up thinking about him, both night and morning smiling whilst opening, and closing my eyes. I love this voy enourmously and i cant imagine my life with out him, i feel that what i feel for him is something really strong, and i cant hide that. But i am more than definently i sure that i want to meet up with him for the first time.

Quote: Never let you mind pass you by to come out through mouth, but yet let you heart be present at all times with honesty and truthful words. 

Another day has passed, and nothing has much passed. Took selfies, out in the street with cousin, didn't feel alot comfortable because there was whistling, and cars passing, and i took less than her one or two. No prince perfect has appeared, but maybe he will show up, maybe it's not the right time yet :/ but oh well, if i stay single that's how it has too, that;s how God choose my life to be like. And only he knows how my life will be, and i will just have to deal and accept it. But i feel like i'm not loved enough, wish i had a perfect like, a perfect boy for me, lived happily with no problems to deal with (self-confidence and everything). But maybe, step by step i will reach that enormous step, let's see, day by day i believe i will succeed and progress...

Quote: Live happily and comfortably and never let others bring you down, for the amazing and spectacular person that you are or have turned into. 

Well, this guy could be the one, the perfect, nice and unique boy for me, but I've given up on him, he's not good enough for me, because he is ugly if he was beautiful and fit i would go out with him. But from him i want nothing no more, i know i'm stupid to be like this, but unfortunately i am. And i can change that, that's how i am, for me the look in physically and the emotion to like me is important, both of them are. But know that, i haven't spoken to him, i feel alot better, don't know why, but i do. Don't miss him, nothing. Maybe in future, my truly king/prince will appear...

Back To Posting ;)

It's been a long time since i haven't written, lots of good and bad moments have happened. Good well, no more love story have happened for that uncle, i only see him as a special uncle and no more than that. Another good moment I've recently met a new guy off online, who's friends with my cousin, and on Sunday it's been 1 month since we met online, i feel a special and strong feeling for him, i keep being confused of what i feel for him, i asked for a time apart from each other, but it doesn't work, because the more i'm separated from talking to him, i think even more about him. I want to meet him. :) And see how things go :D But for bad, those in-secures are still there, and won't go away, still shy, still have low self-esteem, still no happy well,  kind of, because i think i'm useless, and ugly, but i have been saying that less, which probably is a good thing :) I will try and maintain writing, because as you may know i love expressing my emotions with text :)

Well, i haven't had a free time really, i've been really busy and this will continue around may - june. Exams coming up, more homework being set, CV needs to be completed. However when all of this has finished i will come back and start writing because i love writing and express my emotions and thoughts. On the other hand this week has been fun, i have been making alot of progress, talking just a tiny bit more, i have resolved everything with my uncle by talking to him by phone, this made me feel a bit better. This weekened homework, a bit of revision and cv completed. But also i have talked about prom on social medias, to my friends and now i'm more than certain that i want to go. I'm having nails, make up and hair done. I'm going to buy a beautiful dress, and with the heels my friend offered to help me walk on them :) As you see alot of progress was made. So i will try and keep as much writing daily as i can, otherwise only may or june that will happen. :/

Quote: "Day by day, more and more progress is made, and more reasons are given to feel happy, smiley, good and even proud about life. You only live once, so live the most of it, really."

Well, what should i say its been a busy holiday, loved it. Haf my birthday and everything which went alright i guess. But somthing has happenedc in between a true love has happened and no its not the boyfriend i always talk about. Well nearlly talk about. But yes my uncle. I have always loved him truly, but unfortunetly nothing will ever happen between us. First of all he's my uncle, secondly he's married and thirdly he has a son. Age for me never bothers me, but also i think your heart never chooses who you love. He knows about it. But still he tends to show that he doesnt feel the same of course for those reasons. I love him with all my heart seriously, i will never forget him ever. I will always love him. He's my only true love lover and will always be. With my boyfriend well, i dont seem to like him anymore but still i go out with him, to not have the same problems like last time. He never comes to my mind, he rearly does, but my uncle he's always in my mind he may go sometimes but he always comes for me to think about him. Also one other think i had my eyebrows done on my birthday, and i simply have had my eyebrows done and i feel good about myself and positive. I told my new friend that i trust about my boyfriend thst i met across the internet, she thinks its wrong because i dont know him. But also i told about my uncle and dhe thinks its still wrong because for varies reasons. But i cant forget him its impossible i love him, and i will do always. He's my only lover, posively i will never stay with him, and which i wont, i will never have no one in my life execpt him. And if he doesnt stay with him, i had a decision made, which by the fact of he doesn't stay with him i prefer to die than suffer from not having him belonging to my life.

Quote: "Love is an extrodenut emotion. It can lead to several actions. Postive and negative. Postive is to love with all your heart and give the person you love what he deserves which is: 'to be happy.' Negative can lead to cheating, disappointment, sadness, but also it leading to death, in many occasions. So stay firm and live wisely with you life because yoi only live once."

Well, what should I say its been a busy week. I was were i was and the school week ended prefectly. But when it comes to friday, i was going on holiday and everthing worked terribly. I lost the train and bus and i had to sleep at the airport for 2 days. To have my flight happening on the actual sunday. But i'm now where i am for my holidays and thats what it matters. Back to see family. Missed carnaval on sunday but i have today to see it. Slept today with cousin. Lets see how days goes. My birthday is coming up soon this week. Sorry for not coming everyday but it has been a busy week. But i will try and come when i can. But next week i will go back to where i was and i will post like always.

Quote: "Not always days go perfect, but you just have to find a way to deal with them. And when it comes to the right time or place that postive and wonderful place will take place."

Today was pretty good day. I went to see my counceller, it was OK i guess. Lots, of positives and a few negatives, but i dealt with it, and i was OK with it. The problem with my brush on my foot, it doesn't hurt, but it has been resolved, the boy didn't say sorry but asked if my foot was better, and i said it was and he was like are you sure (name)? and i said yes, and he said that's good. But he only spoke to me because my head of year told him to do so. Once again at lunch i went to see the girls, it was less awkward than yesterday. But i do believe that eventually, it will become less and less weird. Tomorrow i have the talk with my teacher, and still i have to write the card to give in -to the other girl, and i will do so. Tomorrow, i have PE and i really want to do it, but one or two people think i shouldn't because of my foot. Well, its not that bad its just bruised and it doesn't even hurt no more. And i am being honest here like always. So really i will do it. No one will stop me from doing something i enjoy or love. Not much too say today, but i am making some progress i guess :) and i'm so happy for that.

Today's quote: 'Fight for what makes you happy and not let nothing destroy or come between the progress, to make a change in your life for you to become sad.'

Well, my day was going well yesturday untill an accident haplened. i went meet up with the girls a lunch, i did have some concerns whether i should go or not, i even went to that teacher that helps me alpt and she adviced me to go. So i did, it was very awkard but i managed it. They even wanted me to walk with them, so i did. Yesturday, at the end of the lesson i was standing up whilst, a bout was messing around and landed on my foot. It was very painful. He didnt realise he had done it. I went to the MI room, got some ice. The bruse was getting worser that i had to go to the hospital. My head of year came in, told him what happened, he talk to the boy but nothing. He doesnt remember that he did that. I knew this was going to happen. Because he didnt look back to me and said sorry which meant he didnt realise that he'd done it. Well, today i have to go and see my head of year and see what's going to happen. I thout it that this will get resolved but we shall see. Also i have the talk with my counceller. Last night i got a text, from the a girl, saying that she was worried about me becauae she did not see me in lesson. I was regretting to tell her because of worried that she wouldnt believe me. But in the end i told her. She even told me something that happened during lesson. I feel that now i'm am trully getting close to her. She invited me to go at lunch again. I shall will do. Lets see how the day goes. My brush isnt that bad now, but now i wanna do PE and i cant, because of this stupid bruise and my parents dont want me to do it. And i thout that the school will let me.

Today's song: https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=UAWcs5H-qgQ

Yesturday was amazing. I was accpted fine, didn't talk alot alot but i talked applenty, wasn't that shy, well at the start but then shyness was gone. I loved it so much i'm glad i actually went, and didn't regret myself from going. We even took pictures, i looked a bit bad but never mind, all that matters was that i enjoyed it. They even asked several questions to me, one of them was that who do i hang around in school? I didnt wanna tell them, but i had to be honest i said no one. And they said awww, you can come to ..... room at lunch and you can sit next to us, i told her some few issues, but she had answers for them. They were great people and they are, they even felt sorry for me walking on my own home, and i had a ride on one of the girl's car to take me back. They even walked with me to the place. They're really nice. I feel so happy and positive about myself. Today i brought the card of thank you for the girl. Tomorrow's another day and let's see how it goes hehe i'm so happy :D

Today i talked to my bby this morning, but since then no sign of him. I miss him so much :( <3 However, today whilst i was in down i was near the valentine's day gifts to offer, and i thought what can i offer him. But i still don't know :/ maybe something will come to me.

Quote: ''Everything, is possible, a smile is the begining of a start of acheiveing but in the in the end words and confidence is everthing that makes a person suceed."

My day couldn't have been even perfect. I had a super day. Had the talk with the teacher at lunch, told her all the good things including the girls invite to town. She reconds i should go, my inside thinks i should so i am going now. But i'm concerned, but lets see how it goes. About the card i am indeed right a card to this girl, but for my other special friend my teacher liked what i was going to say to her and everything. She would try and speak to her day and tell me her response. And she did, i then went to see my teachet for the response and it was so positive that it had made my day. I was so happy to hear what i was hearing. In the end i saw her with my card and she said thanks for the card (name) i really appriciated it. i smiled to her. But when i came home and had time to go on social media i replied to her relating to the card and her comments were once again positive. I now think to myself, do people really like me? :/ maybe they do and i never  had noticed that. But know lets focus on tomorrow's day and new acheivements to be made. To speak up whilst i am with them. Hope i'm able too :/

Today's post, puts me thinking to leave you with this song: http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=xknW3A5LhZ0

Yesturday was an alright day :) bby in mind once again he's my everything. I love you boyfriend. Counceller's talk was good to, had some few discusions about what things oi could do and everything. However, at the end of the day when i finished playing baskquetball which i enjoy alot, i got invited to go to town with this girl and her friends. I had concerns about, but i told i would tell after and stuff. Last night i got a msg from her telling about it and that she wasn't joking when she asked me. I talked her about her and said that i would give her a reply tonight :) i don't know if i shouls go, but my concience my inside says i should. I have the talk with my teacher, today i think i'm going to tell her that i want to give this girl a card too, because she has been with me to when i most need it like the other lovely girl, and i will tell her about this conversation and see what see says about it.

Today's quote leaves to me saying: " That when you realise you see things that you never thought that would happen. But one step at a time and you will reach your target to the next level of achievement."

Yesturday went normal. My bby in mind through out tgmhe day. And its been cold lately, and all i think is i wish he was here with me to warm me up. I've also been have dreamy thoughts, like everytime i pass a car, that's switched on, but its parked and somebody's inside, i always think its him, but when i pass it abd come to realise its not :/ however i wrote the card to my dear lovely friend, gave it to the teacher, i was ment to talk to her but she was in a meeting, so now i'm going to see her on Friday at lunch. She gave me a hug, and i loved it i love hugs hehe. Yesturday i made another progress i've been sitting at least 2 times this week in science next to my friend, because i asked and her and her other friend have accepted me :) but the problem is, is that i dont talk after, i just dont know what to say and also i'm worried about their reaction too. Today i have the talk with my counceller at school, lets see how it goes. If you mantain to contact and speak to me about anything such as your feedback, here is my email: secretanonymou421@gmail.com 

Today i will leave with lyrics from a beautiful song: "I'm gonna pick up the pieces, and build a lego house. If things go wrong we can knock it down. My three words have two meanings, there's one thing on my mind, it's all for you <3 "

I had an ok day. Thinking about my boy all day along, but also had the appointment. I was ok i guess, but she has made an appointment to speak with my mum this time and if she doesn't comd she will tell the service that she asked for information to come to my housr. So i dont want that i told my mum and i havent told her what it about i told that the doctor will tell her instead. She thinks i've done something wrong. But really i haven't she just wants to alert her and keep me safe. Because of whats happened in the past. She wont tell my mum because i dont want her to, so she wont break my confience. However she does need to act and keep me safe on what it relates too. Hope it goes well the appointment :/ worried about when the appointment end that my mum will question me why i been talking about this at the doctors and all that. But i wont tell her the secret. But i will tell her a bit of the truth.

Today's post, will link to a song which is:
http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=W3vijeR0ZRs

Good morning, yestuday went alright. I talked with my baby (boyfriend), which was the so sweet and lovely to talk to him. I love him so much, he's made me feel so speacil and a bit more confience, and since we've been going out i have been more happier and all that :D The teacher, i think i've forgotten him already i just like him as a teacher and i dont look at his room or his car in the morning or afternoon now, and now i dont even care if i see him. Because my baby is by hunni and i'm happy too be with him. He's my only one. :) Today i have the talk with the doctors lets see how it goes. I think i will just lie, or maybe i womt have too. I'll see. Yesturday, hum... no prgress made, lets see today. I have extended a little bit of a conversation yesturday with these girls in my year. Because at lunch they came to sit next to me and started talking about the prom in front of random year 10 it was so akward...

Today quote: " Every single person was born for a reason. Every single person has somebody special in their hearts both family, friends or even boyfriend/girlfriend. Every single person will fight for their dreams and wishes to become true. Every single person will live a true love story with their partner..."

Yesturday, nothing much happened untill it got till night. Had a conversation woth cousin, her boyfriend and my friend. It got to apoint where we were all talking and then suddenly he owns up and admits his feelings (my friend, who was my ex boyfriend). He admitted that he still loved me and all that. And all this time he'd been lieing by saying that he only saw me as a friend because thats how i saw him. My cousin and her boyfriend were convienced that i still felt something for him by the way i walking with him as sweet and kind and all that. In the end, he asked me out and i accepted it. I am still worried of what happened in the past might happen once again and that me and him suffer but more intirely him. Because i have made him suffer in the past for personal reasons. I was so happy and smily when he said those lovely things to me. Today i feel so happy, cheerful and when i don't speak to him i miss him loads. I seems like an entire time. When he pops up i smile straight away. I'm so happy to be with him, but in the same worried and scared. I'm just going to take things calmly this time and see how it goes. For the moment i wont tell my parents i want to keep it secretive. Tuesday i have the appoinment, lets see how it goes. Hope the way i want it to go like. Tomorrow is another day and lets see how it goes.

Inspired song for today is: http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=CAjKZJarlwk

Today was a good day, i have to say. Saw him with no probblems even though i still like him but i am lossing the habit of seeing if his car is there or anything else that relates to him when i get to school and leave school. Had assembly with him and my year, went alright i guess, for my first lesson i had it in his room and guess what i realised during half through the lesson... the candle i gave him on his desk, and he had already used it i was so happy from the inside, thinking that at least my thoughts were wrong that he gave the candle to somebody else or even through it in the bin. But no i has it and that made me feel good.
   After that had normal day like usual untill it got to science asked again if i could sit next to that girl i like and her other friend and they accepted me. Still no conversation made. However when it got to ending the lesson they went on about prom and got to the point that they tried to persuade me too go, because they recone i should go even though i dont want to. They even tried to make the teacher's involvement to persaude me. I wanna go but at the same time i dont... i dont know i will see untill next week. I still need to right her the card to thank her.
   Once it reached lunch and i got my lunch i went to find a table to sit at but they were nearlly all full, i got to the table where that girl and some other people from my year were and i sat at their table and asked if i could sit there and i did. One or three words spoken but then no more conversations made.
   At the end of the day as i was walking to the bus and entered it inside and gave the bus driver my ticket, i heard 2-3 girls saying bye (name) and i replyed bye and smiled. Didnt see who it was but i was so happy havent heard that kind of message for a long time, since the last time i did have friends but now i dont for no specific reason that i am aware of. But i want to build that friendship again with real and honest people and deserve my happiness and my friendly gift to them.

Quote for today: ''If things seem that their intirely progressing, carry on and you will reach your target. But if you haven't reached that stage, just maintain to fight for your happiness, by sooner or later you will make the first step."

Today was really meh day. Not bad not good it was alright. Thoughts about prom going in my mind to whether or not if i should go. But i will think about it i have only at least two weeks to decide i think. I am planning to go but the issues come back again... talked to my teacher about my new progesses made, and the story about the prom. She thinks that i should go, its a special day and all that but also she recanes that it would be a good stay to build the relationship of us being friend or even leading to best friends. But i dont know, i didnt thank her i was stupid i know, and i told her this and she recones also to right her a thankful letter and to give it to her for inviting me. But im not brave enough to give it to her, so she sugessted me to give it to the teacher and she would pass it to her and have a talk about it. And i prefer it that way.
   However, first thing in the morning before all that happened in at lunch, i was still think about prom, and the girl i love talking to, thought i was upset i was indeed inside, she gave me 2 hugs and and said i love you twice too but at different times of course. I loved those words i smiled but saddness came. I loved those hugs, as she makes me hold on the problems and keep them hidden but when she lets go it reappears.
   Today i felt like i was out of breath for a while like 5-10 miuntes and i was breathing like repeatly and like deeply slowly like always. But now it has calmed down. I have looked myself in the mirror and start realizing that i look very slim. I need to put 1 or 2 kg on to look better not too much but i dont want look too slim aswell
   Saw him, was hard to have to deal with it, but i managed it. However i do believe i will forget him as to loving him, and i think i'm getting there. Sooner or later i will make it.

Today's quote: "Love one another, Recpect and Care for one another as you would want to be loved and treated."

Today was super good. I went to school with confidence enough to think i'm going to have a good day. And i did indeed, there was a trip going i was going on it but then i gave up, because i didnt need it because it involved to look around college and see what to choose to study next year. But i know already. Even if i didnt i'm glad i didnt go, because guess who was on it... Yes he was so which ment i didnt have to see him during the day, yeah i did see him but when he was gone i didnt have too...           However as i was going to science i made a progess, got the laptop to do research, and the girl i like or in case i love alot to talk to was there, and i was waiting for the right time to ask. Eventually i did and went to ask if i could sit next to her and she said yeah of course you can (name). I smiled and she did too, i was so happy to be accepted but also a progess made. Didn't talk as usual but i was brave to ask for the first time during lesson time. Another progess that i shouls make is to start talking whilst i'm sitting next to them, i do a few times but often when they talk to me, maybe i should develop and start more conversations and talk more when i'm sitting with people. Did say a
hello and reponded to people that talked to me today, but no expanding conversation made.
   However, when it was lunch, i went to get something to eat i sat down, and meanwhile guess who appeared? The two girls i sat next to in lesson with their other friend that i talked once or twice during form time. They sat on my table and said hello all of them, and i said hello back. But then again no conversations made. I need to progess more. And i do believe that i will. after i left, didnt say anything, i feel bad to have not done.
   But then i went to find that teacher that set me the targets but she wasn't in, i will have to see her tomorrow. During PE which was the last lesson, i got entered to join the same girl's group as i did on monday. I accepeted, and we won all the games. But hat dont matter to me, the importance is that they allowed me in and not excluding me out...
   However, after i got changed that girl who invited me to the team, talked to me to see if i was ok and all that untill it got to the conversation about prom.... but then the bell went and it was time to go.
   I still feel that i shouldn't go, because of many reasons. One of them being left out. Not having people to talk to. Not being invited - yes i was invited by these 2 girls but i'm worried that they may forget when it gets to the time. I feel unwanted to the prom. Worriness by people making fun of me in varies ways espeacilly for what i might wear. Another reason to the journey back home, and having no one to take me, parents dont have car so i would have to take a taxi. But i dont really like that idea especially because the prom ends at 23:30, and i hate the car and having to be on my own in a taxi. But let's see how it goes i will talk to my teacher i would love to her opinion to the situation and how i think of it but also the progess being made too.

Today's quote: "Let there light in life, and never let darkness in, for it will cover all the postive and bring negative."

Today went super good until it got later in the evening but still am ok. Got to school, no sign of him and his car but when i was the end of break i was going to see my counceller, i saw his car. I was so disappointed because i thought he wasnt in but he was. Still good inside but but outside i have to forget him. However had a talk with my counceller told her my new progessing made, the chat i had yesturday with the girl from PE and one or two others. I was happy no tears came down :/ but we got to a point in the end where i think i have to work on to progess more.
   As the session finished i was walking to my next lesson, i was finishing my 3D model in science whilst others were finishing theirs. And these to girls came a long, stared at me for a while untill they asked me what they wanted. They asked me if i wanted to go to prom with them and some few other girls in a lemozine (sorry for spelling). I said i wasnt going to go, didnt tell them why but the reason for it our others making fun of me of what i'm waering like last time and having no one too talk to. When i said no and see said oh ok this boy said (name) your not going? I said no and nodded. I cant remeber no more all i remember is this and i remembered everyone continuing with their models. Bell went for lunch. Had lunch, form and lessons.
   During last lesson, i had the lesson in his room. Saw his car once again, and saw him for the second time because i did already see him in the morning but did not look at him but i knew he was there by his voice anf by me passing him. However no sign made from him, no speaking no nothing. Upseting but maybe this will make me forget him even more. But i do miss him so much :(
   However, got to the stage where i went for the appointment. Waited and waited until i was called. Talk about the serious problem and the friend online i met online. She still feels i'm at risk from what happened to me and or might happen again. She's worried me meeting up with this person because of the serious problem and how it kind of links with it not much but a bit. She does want to tell my parents but im not prepared for their reaction, and if she does that i wont speak to her no more, and self - harm or even commit suicide. I know it's not the end of the world but i want to avoid them worrying about me and protect them and not let them get involved. Also i am worried for their reaction, might be the same as too what i'm accepting shouting, angry, dissappointment and could or could not lead to worst maybe. So if she plans to do that i will start self-harming again seriously.
   Tomorrow i have a talk with the teacher at lunchtime to tell her my progess like always. Next tuesday another appointment with the doctor and next thurday talk with the counceler. Progess made today yeah, i started a conversation and extended it a bit not a lot but a bit.

Today i will leave you with a song:-https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=AnMP1oqPTto

Good news today. Talked more today than yesturday. During form time i got asked to sit next to these girls and i did (yeah i said yes and not no an achievement made). Start conversation 1 or 2 times today. I talked to this one or two girls and grew the conversation my extending it. No sign of him today, he wasn't in school. Good thing that happened which ment i wouldn't to deal with the problem to face mim. But that other part of me missed him and he did come to my mind again. One other secret is hidden that i haven't yet revealed. not today maybe tomorrow or another time. Alots of secrets are yet still waiting to be shared, but will be shared at the right time. Tomorrow counceller and doctor's appointment and lets see how it goes. Have yet really achieved my challenge that was set last week, but i do believe i will make it. Did it once, but once isn't enough. Today was the perfect day that i ever had that i havent had for ages. Hope tomorrow goes well too.

Today quote: " Everyone is born for a reason, but everyone knows that there will be and end of life to die. So please live ypur life freely and happy, lets not get affected by those who don't deserve our sadness, but do deserve our happiness - the people who love and care for us - family and friends. "

Weekend has been calmful. I do believe that i am progessing better than before. Tuesday doctor's appointment and a talk with my counceller in school. Today i took many pictures of my self to then im the end compare one and another to chose the best one. I choose it and putted it on my social media site. Got comments saying beautiful and pretty.
   Although those people said that, i kind of believe it a bit, but i only think that way with make up on. As if that make up was some kind of mask hiding my identity and my uglyness away and showing what makes me feel confortable and less ugly and more of a tiny bit beautiful. 
   However i do have a big journey to go through and succeed for my happiness in life. Tomorrow is another day of school and lets see how it goes, hope to make more progess once again. Yesturday revision done. Today more revision to be done again. Keeping busy really helps me keep problems away but sometImes that problems come back again. But i manage to keep and maintaim them away. 

Today's quote: "One progress is done, one step you've moved, but still there are more steps to take untill you reach your destiny for your life to suceed HAPPINESS."

Well, today was a .... don't even know. It was ok but not a so good day. First with the good. Well, at lunch i managed to ask 1-2 girls from my year, to sit down on the table, i asked if i could, and they allowed me too, so i did. Did eat my lunch, but no conversation made, though they did talk to one another, no voice was made/came from me. 
   Another good thing, is that i'm managed to talk a little more than before, but still need improving. Somebody came to me today to talk about something, but then she said she would talk to me another time about it. I thought about it and went to her and said because i had a certain lesson and she had another we could maybe walk together and you could tell me and see said yeah. So after lesson finished no movement came from her, i walked to my locker and she walked off but then when as i was walking in the same direction as hers for me to go to my lesson and her to hers, i managed to start a conversation once again. 
   And ask (name) what were you saying about the thing you wanted to tell me. And we had 1 or 2 conversations about the subject matter of what she wanted to tell me. But then i went to lesson as normal without speaking to her, and she went to hers, and that's when the not so good thing starts... 
   As  i was walking to lesson guess who i saw. I was imaging to see him already there because i saw some students from my year that had a lesson with him at that time so... yeah i saw him. my reaction was like oh no. i smiled to not give away my feeling, but of course he had no notice of me at all. I did feel relief as he left, because of course i didnt see have to look at him no more. Seriously when is this love that i feel for him going to end. I just cant forget him especially when i see him everyday.
   However i did see already, when i had an assembly, he said good morning to everyone as passin him repeatly as waiting for them to saying it to him, if you know what i mean. But there were a few replys, although there were, i wasn't one of them. It was hard because although i'm quiet and shy, i need to get rid of this passion i feel for him first before, then i can talk normally if i'm able to froma relationship from student to teacher. 
   As i walk pass school, i tend to think he will be in many places where he normally is, but before i reach that place i wish and wish inside of me for him for him not to be there. Sometimes i'm very lucky others it doesn't seem the case, but i need to find a way of getting through this.

Quote: "Just like a fairytale, everyone has an ending, may start as seeming emotive and intersting. As it getts to the middle, you start realising that life is not as perferct as you want it to be. When it reaches the end, everything changes to being all beautiful and magical in living happliy ever after."

Today went OK i guess. Not perfect but alright. I managed to reveal my biggest secret with my counceller, same reaction to other people, positive to what i was expecting :/ but still, the worriness it occurring, if the problem being discovered and parents might find out or other people. But especially parents and family. However, i need to see the other point of view and stop blame myself, because it's not my fault but yes the other .... how my counceller has said and the other people who know. It's going to be hard but i know it's possible, i just got to believe it. Because i know now that i really want to be happy, to how i deserve it, and not let this interfere/affect my life during present and future. Also one key thing, is the image part. 
   How i see myself. I can look in the mirror, i try and smile and say i'm pretty... but it's hard to believe it, i just don't think i'm that good to be pretty, beautiful and perfect like other girls. But also i think i don't have that perfect smile like others do as well. I think i look ugly and monstrous when i smile and think i loo pretty in the mirror. When i look down on me without the mirror i think i'm getting fatter, especially on legs. But when i comes to the mirror still think the same way, but not as much. But skinny image comes in mind, but i prefer to be like i am if i am skinny indeed than i used to be ( i wasn't to fat nor too skinny but i was close to fat, only a tiny bit). 
   I'm not that skinny at the moment, but family think i am and think i should eat more. Well, its mine decision, if this is what makes me happy, then that's what it matters right? However, i did cry indeed, during my session in physiology with my counceller. Played basketball in PE, not proper game but like a few mini exercises, like getting in pairs and dribbling the ball, trying to get the ball through the ball in the net, also played the game bulldogs by dibbling the ball, like those kind of exercises. 
   Today, i'm gonna try and make that target from Wednesday, and try and manage to have courage to speak more, but especially to be the actual me to join in groups/teams and sit next to people by asking them. I have until next Wednesday to do it. I will make it, i know i will. However i also need to start conversations again, not just that one or two times i did, their not enough, if i want to make friends then i have to do it. I believe that i will make these hard and challenging target. If i was able to do it once then i'm able to do it again, and again, and again...

Today quote: "Through one step, it may not seem alot now to you, but it can make alot of different, and little by little, step by step, you will managed to complete the target/action or even challenge your trying make, to make you feel complete and feel the right you and not someone else. But the most important to make you feel happy."

Today, was better. I believe that now on way's I can see that light coming though, and starting to appearing and exist in my life, but not just yet. Well, I didn't see him - well I heard his voice, but didn't look at him, I looked down as I was reading, I managed to control my self and look less at his car and room, when I entered school and left school. Still looked, but less that always I've been looking. However, I had a thought if I should see my teacher this lunch time. I wasn't going to but that would be just rude, and I'm not that kind of person, so I went. And her reaction was completely different to what I thought. I told her, some few progresses I made during the week, and I know they were only a few but she's happy to hear hat she heard. That I started a conversation once, I'm managed to talk more to people if them talk to me, I'm managing to accept if I'm wanted, and not just say no (e.g. being in groups/teams). Doing art work and revision is helping me a tiny bit to stay those bad thoughts away, and the serious problem too, but just a tiny little bit. However she has set me a target for this week, which was: instead of people inviting me in their group or sitting next to them, I shall be the one to ask if I can join them. I know it's hard by if I did those other things, then I believe I will be able to do it. We had a love chat together, I love her so much she's just like a real friend for me. I do believe now, that I will fight though this and I will win this battle, but just step by step. Tomorrow I have the talk with my counsellor, I think I'm now ready to tell her, and find out ways to deal with this problem. And get this problem away from affecting my life in present and future.

Today's quote: "When you're sad you must smile, when you're happy, you must laugh, when you're weak, you must stay strong. That shine light will appear in your life, you just got to believe it, everything is truly possible.''

Today was better that it has been, he was in school, and every time I passed a place he normally would be I would wish/hope inside my head that he wouldn't be there. And he wasn't, even when I went to his room to have a lesson in with another teacher, but no sign of him. To me it's a good thing, it helps a little to not see him, although I do think of him it's better than nothing :/ but eventually I will stop loving him (I hope). However, today I had the appointment at the doctor. I told her everything, that need to be told, but I feel like it's the right time to tell my counsellor, this Thursday coming. I feel better than always, better than when I talked to my teacher and head of year, and the priest at confession. Because she talked in so delicate, of course the other people did too but she did it differently, of away of making me feel comfortable in saying it. Told her about the bulling, the serious problem, the issues in losing weight, the issue that's been occurring related about that I'm been losing hair from roots of my head. The issue of the person I'm met online and so on. She's made an appointment for next Tuesday. She did always mention, in talking to my counsellor, for certain reasons, but prefer not to say. Thursday hoping that she will be there, and I'll have the courage in talking to her. Today a girl, got on my stop for the bus it was awkward for me because she never gets on that stop, we said hi and how are you. But nothing else. I looked down with my head covering, and thinking to my self whilst listening to music, I wish I was perfect as her, pretty, having friends and so on. I really like her and I wish I was her friend, she's one of my idols, because whenever I'm upset and cry she will go near me and give m a hug. I love her hugs, I love her words "everything will get better, it will be alright." But at the moment I believe it won't maybe in future I will. She does also asks me if I want to talk, but of course I don't, because of course I've lost the trust in everyone for what's happened to me (linking to serious problem).

However, today's quote is: ''Everything will get better,  you just have to believe, and for those who believe everything will become possible always.''

Today was a forgettable day. I felt positive today when I got too school, I even started a conversation but only once. I said hello and the girl said hello (name) you seem happier today and I replied yeah  yeah I do, but inside you know what it's like, its completely different to the opinion from the outside. But oh well, it's life. Saw him, felt good inside but in outside I felt I wish I didn't see him, this isn't going to be easy to forget him, especially because I see him single day. Normally, everything seems impossible when really it isn't, but here we go I have a battle to fight through. I read in front, of the class 2 times, it felt s awkward, for me and I felt people were laughed at me because there were a few giggles after I read... I've been called small again :/ seriously I think its not my fault for being small. Yesterday I said that the suicidal thoughts went away, but unfortunately them came back again. Seriously, I'm beginning to think I deserve all this.... In school I even talked to 1-2 teachers one of them even asked me questions and me too them, and that teacher asked if I was ok and how was school, and of course I lied I was ok and school was fine, when really it's the completely opposite. Tomorrow, it's the doctor's appointment I'm so worried, and I don't even know where to start from to tell the doctor, but I reckon that she will ask questions and it will make a lot easier I guess. Let's see how it goes, just have to think positively.

Today's quote is: '' That moment when you think everything is ok at that promise moment, and then something/ a special obstacle comes along and destroys everything. But all you have to do is maintain firm and think positive, and not let anything destroy your happiness."

Wasn't able to come yesterday...but it went alright I guess, no problems no nothing, but one thing I haven't told you yet but I haven't been weighing myself on the balance thing, is that a good thing? But one think I do always every single day, is look at myself carefully in the mirror and see if I've got any fatter or anything else. I think that my legs are fatter at the moment, but then after a while when I go to town, I think they look perfect. I look always the glass of the shops' windows and see them as perfect but at home that doesn't seem to be the case often. Tomorrow's another day of school, let's see how it goes :/ today nothing much happening, just revising for exams coming up soon. And yet still visiting parent's friends because their new daughter has been born today. Don't feel like going, but have to go unfortunately. Not much to say today, but one thing I can tell you is that those suicidal thoughts have gone away, they haven't bee inside my mind for along time (about 3-4 days roughly).

Today's quote: "Live freely, by learning from yesterday, living today and hoping for tomorrow to happen."