Just came home from town, and when i was in town in a shop with my mum and sister we i saw my mum's friend who i havent seen in ages yet she does she my mum often because she works with her. As soon as she noticed me (my mum's friend) her reaction was shocking she said what have you been doing girl you look like a skeleton. I was like no i just eat less than i did before because before i ate and ate and ate and ate, but now i just eat lesser. And she said is it because of a boyfriend or... i said no no no, and evetually she stopped talking to me and carried on talking to my mum like she was. At first i was shocked with her reaction and my feelings to that of happening were that how do i look like a skeleton i'm not that skinny, im still fat but not too much as before however im not skinny. My friend from the internet that ive tolked about in the previous posts think i'm not well that i have anoxeria. I disagree im not mentally ill i'm fine i think its perfectly normal for a person to loose weight and feel confortable with themselves. What do you think? Do you think i'm mentally ill or do you think its pretty normal like i think to loose weight. Today's post quote is: "No matter how loud their opinions are. They do not chose who you can be."

Yes, one day again has passed havent had those thoughts in my mind today is that a good thing, i ask myself? However, i got the chance to weigh myself, found the right to do it, well i was suprised that i wasnt where i was when it was christmas time but however i do need to loss weight to where i feel its confortable for me. Also i've noticed that my boobs are different by being more downer and not uper if you know what i mean like there like dropped :/ is that normal? They werent like that before, i wish they were like upper abit :/ but if i had to choose i would choose to be like i am now because you the weight problem of trying to look perfect like those other girls that you see around, with perfect bodies. Maybe in future time when my body apperence looks simular to those girls and i feel confortable maybe i will change the size of my boobies but not at the moment, i dont yet feel confortable to do that just at this point. Tomorrow is another day, and still i've still got a gigantic battle to fight through, something tells me that i will get through this... As days goes by, its getting closer to my doctors appointment ans my fear starts to develop but getting worried of what the results of my health might be... Today's quote is: "Never give up on something you really want. Its difficult to wait but more difficult to regret."

In total i have 2 - 3 problems, yet i still feel that i'm not ready to tell them but i can reveal you one at least. Well at the start of high school begining of year 7 and maybe end of year 8 or start of year 9 cant remeber clarley when it ended but it did end finally. Well when i did PE (physical education), there was these 2-3 girls that would come up to me when they felt like it and would ask me personal questions. These questions were... what Bra size i used? How big my boobs were? They even decided to ask if they were fake? :'( of course that made me feel very low and i did not reply to them to the size and stuff and of course there werent fake. I was worried of what they could do when i didnt tell them what size my bra was. But happily they didnt do anything. Although thats a good thing i didnt like what they asked me and that made me feel less confident in myself. And as you may have seen on my posts this has affected me since then, but my other problem is much more serious however it does involve physical apperence too. But i'm not yet ready to reveal it. The quote for this post is: 'Life goes on, whether you choose to move on and take a chance in the unknown or stay behind, locked in the past, thinking about what you could've been.'

Another day goes by, it was alright i guess unitll thoughts go into to my mind. I was sleeping in the afternoon and when i woke up i had those thoughts again suicidial and this time it involved jumping down a window i even looked at it for a while... also your probably think i'm a discuting person and probably i am other thoughts came to mind. And these thoughts were 'sex desire' thinking about wishing i would do and so on and how would it be like doing... i know i know im discusting and ugly person to have these thoughts i dont know why i had them but i did... tomorrow is another lets see how it goes, i havent had time to weigh myself because as you may know parents are closer now since its christmas time and new year coming soon but as soon as that finishes i will start weighing myself back again. But i do still look to my self in the mirror and see the same thing every single time... this finishes with another quote and today's quote is: Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day, saying 'I will try again tomorrow.'

A day has gone, unfortunately disappointing to me. This is because i keep looking at myself in the mirror but today i looked and realised the differencd that i look even fatter than before :( i havent weoghed my self for like 3-4 days ago maybe because i'm worried to see the number of kg shown on the balance... however i need to stop this,and by this i need to cut down on the food even more like i never done before, it will be harder to avoid and to hide from those speacil people to me but i will try and do it. Its a battle to go thorugh in my life but i do believe that i will get throught this. This brings once again to another quote: "You were given this life because you are strong enough to live it."

Half of the day gone, but still the rest to complete it, however I ate food that I shouldn't, and yet I haven't checked my weight today, but will do later. Brought new things today because of the boxing day (sale). Loved it, but you know whenever I walk around town I get that feeling of people looking at me with the wrong eyes (judging me for the way I look e.g. ugly and fat and the way I dress up e.g. like last time when I had that episode in school). Otherwise my day was alright I guess, but you never know later on something may cause that to change... This brings to an inspirational quote, which is: "What lies behind us, and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us."

Another day gone by, christmas is over but however yet there's still new year to come and of course more food being involved. I weigh myself every single day, from yesturday till today i weigh the same, i feel good about it because i havent gained more weight. But however i need to lose that weight i gained and get it back to where it was before... i hope you had a lovely and peaceful christmas, if you like my blog and what i write, then do feel free to comment below or even follow me on Google+ also do feel free if you want to share the blog around with your friends, family and so on. From now on, i will leave an inspirational quote on every daily post i put on the blog, and today's inspirational quote is: "Never give up, beginning is always the hardest."

Another day has gone, yes it is Christmas Eve and I wish a merry Christmas to you who's reading this. However, remember when i talked about worriness in eating alot today,  that could affect my weight, well i ate aleight i guess better than last year instead but i could of done better :( i gained weight im so disappointed in myself, tomorrow is another day and again starts the fear... oh no i will try my best to eat less with out making my parents noticing it :/ Hope you have a merry christmas full of happiness, health, peace and love. May your wishes become true too :)

Today was another day gone, it was alright i guess but tomorrow starts my worriness... its christmas eve and the christmas day on the next day and my fear is the food because i want to try and avoid eating as much as i can but there will be family - well my parents and sister, and you know what familys are like: eat another thing, eat a bit more (name) etc. I will try my best not to eat alot i will try and make excuses because i dont want to get any fatter, so lets see how it goes...

Made my appointment yeah done, but however if they do the same thing like they did once when i my parents wanted to a health check on me i wont do it, i'll forget about it and if a disease or problem appears in my health i dont care, at the moment i will leave ot as it is, but when i go to it and they do the same thing then i will forget about it and live my life freely, if i die then let it be it maybe this is a sign to realise i do deserve to suffer with these problems in the past, in the present and will in the future.

My friend suggests that i have Anorexia :/ i didnt think i had until i discovered... i started researching and researching about more about anorexia (the symptoms, reasons to have anoxeria, etc) And i found out that a few of the symptoms related to some of my. Thats when i started to think that maybe i do have anorexia, however i did found out that people that dont get trated with it may be caused to have serious problems like heart problems or other type of problems which can may lead to die. This made me think i dont wanna die, but if i do maybe i deserve it. I told my friend my weight before and now and her reaction was shocking to it. I feels i dont deserve none of this and that im pretty and everything but i don feel that way... however one step at a time lets see how my tests go, hope they are perfect and show that everything is fine with me. I wanna thank you my dear sister (my friend) for helping and supporting me when i needed, i love you, you know what you mean to me, without you i wouldnt be the same, thanks for everything and sorry about bothering you woth my unimportant things. I love you and i will always be here for you no matter what time or what day, whenever you need me i will always be available for you <3

I've been telling my friend that i've ment along time ago from social medias about this blog. She's been reading it everyday, however she read my recent post on my weight and exams... and she agrees with my parents to do exams to see if everything is ok. At the begining i didnt again with her like i did with my parents but now... i think its the best and right thing to do. On monday i will make the appointment at the doctors to do the tests, i hope everything is ok im so worried about the results :( 

Going back to my weight loss, my parents and familia think that i look to thin/slim and that i should eat more. But i regret to eat like i used to and also i tell them that i'm not i look the same as always. Although this is the case my mum wants me to do exams to check if everything alright with my health, but im too scared of the results and that if their bad im worried about their reaction to it. So im trying to avoid the health test (blood test, urine, high or low blood pressure and so on test). I say to them yeah i will make an appointment but when they remind me i say i forgot i will make it tomorrow but i make and make excusses to not test my health. I've gained weight, so i need to lose it back again where it was or abit downer a bit because seriously i dint think the way i look yet is perfect for me... So I wont give up.

That thing that i havent told you yet i remain secret it, maybe tomorrow i will reveal it, my problems will also remain secretive but however when i reach to the end of the finished line to be able to accept them and fight through them, no matter what happens i will reveal the. But not at the moment. Good Night.

... This was to give me a Hug, she said that i know your the head of year but she also included something else in the end but i can remember. And he in the end he did and accpeted it and hugged him too, i felt like the need of having that hug of course my teacher did as well give me a hug before he came in i was so happy with their reaction it felt to me that they showed that they loved/liked the person i am. However i then headed back to form because i had carol service and they stayed chatting... But there's still one thing that i haven't meantion to you yet ...

Their faces were shocking tp what i was expecting :) my head of teacher i heard most he told me that how to know you love candles and he said straight away oh yeah your sometimes in my class for your lessons amd i said yeah then they carried on opening it and they found a box of choclates of 'Ferro Rocher' and my head of teacher said you know (name) thse are my fabourite choclates from Ferro Rocher, i love them alot, my teacher and him both said there was no need for this, the card you gave me was lovely i really loved it and made me feel proud to have done my job in helping you. And thank you for those beautiful inspirational words they carried on talking to me about the card and present thing until my teacher had encouraged him to do something... 

And he came in and said hello (name) and i said hello sir, my teacher recovered what i told her about the blog and something else that i told her to him and he did agree with her and was pleased to hear what he heard like she did, that made me smile. However, it got to the moment when she said so what have you brought us :) and i said i hope you like it sorry about the wrapping not my best wrapping, i gave them the present each one of them. And she asked me do u want us to open it now or on christmas day? I reply now if you dont mind and so they did ....

I reached to school late because i had an appointment to go, i sign in i went to lesson but when it was time to go to break i went and went straight to my teachers room with my bag (as you may guess whats inside it) i waited outside because she was on the phone... but then it reacher my turn to go in so i did and she said what are the good news and i told her that i wanted to give the presents and she said i think its better to give at different times because your head of year is certainly really busy but then i looked side ways and there he was passing by and i said maybe not he just passed over there and she assumed that he was coming here and...

Just finished school today, and i'm so happy and smiley today of what happened :D

Today has finally, reached the day - in give them both my presents that i've brought, and seeing their reactiom to them. However also to let my head of year more about this discision that i took about the blog and something else that i have not yet told him because of his leaving time. But yet i have told my teacher. Also school ends :( i know its a good thing in getting some rest from the mock exams especially fighting throigh these problems. But... i will miss lessons, becaise i love going to school, learnong new things also i do love all the teachers i dont even dislike none of them at all... the moment is yet to come lets see how it goes today :/

I said i can wait if you want since your speaking to somebody :/ and he said no no i have to go into town so i have exactly 5 minutes for you to speak to me - and he asked me, so (name) what has brought you here? And i told him i've got good news and he said good news? What are they? And i told him about the blog being creatdd and he said straight away is a live blog or what? And i replyed its a google blogger, and he said oh google blogger yeah. But also i referenced both to my teafher and my head of year that i maintain anonymous and they both understood why. With this i manged to include sir i also wanted to annouce that i've brought you and my teacher a present and he said you dodnt have to, the card was enough and by the way it was lovely i like it thank you and said yeah but i wanted to by you 2 a present still, for all the help and support you've been giving me... but then it got to a stage that we were aranging when it would be ideal to give the gift and he said tomorrow break in your teacher's room and i said ok to it but he also included to remember him if i see him and i said ok sir i will and eventually i went and he was coming behind him, i stayed there talking to students whilst i left to go to form time, i felt so happy about it from being brave to manage to do it. Its done yay, i did it now lets see how it goes tomorrow :) 

I had noticed the door move and... he came out and i said straight away hello sir, may i speak to you about something? And he said have you been waiting out here this whole time? If I knew you were here i would of came out and spoke to you... but then told me to go in a different room to briefly speak to him but then he saw one of the teachers that had spoken to me and talked to her so i waited a student came a long but he wanted to see that teacher but when it was all done, i got to a stage where it was time to speak to him, and...

I realised that he was speaking to somebody, i did decide to knock how ever he carried on talking but then i heard a silence and he said 'hello' ... 'hello' (as to see who was knocking) but i wasn't brave enough to go inside... however they started with the conversation again. And with a result of this, i descided to no go in but to wait until they finished, yes i know i'm so stupid to have acted that way, but thats the way i felt and the need of reacted. I waited and waited i saw 2 teachers and a few pupils they spoke to me and i replyed back but when they went i carried on waiting, i did have that feeling to have given up and go away but i didnt dont know why but something made me stay... Eventually i got to the right time...

... It wads lunchtime i had my hot dinners, and then i went to find my teacher and with me in had the presents in my bag, but she told me she couldnt do it today maybe tomorrow because she had alot of work to mark and she has 2 lessons after that... so then i asked her if she knew where he was and she told me to have a look for him so i did and thanked her. I decided to go up to him office, but in his class room were the usual people from my year, they did the same thing usually but i did respond to them. However i then decided to go pass through the door, and head off to his dor when i reached his office i spotted something...

I managed to tell her that i'd brought a present for her and my head of year, she gave her opinion can't remember briefly what it was like but i know it was positive, however she told me to see if i could come back at lunch and if i do see him to tell him to come back i said ok i will but i dought i will see him... otherwise i will go up to his office and see him and she said or maybe its best to do it tomorrow before we break up maybe breaktime, but see how it goes in finding him... futhermore time and time passed until...

... i had the courage to be able to ask them, i feirst went to find my teacher and i found her but i waited until she had finished talking to someone, when it was my turn to go i went in her room and she thank me for the card its was lovely, and i announced to her some good news, and she gave me a hug, inside i felt that i needed that but then i told her that i decided to crate a blog and share my daily life just like a diary, and with this i told a friend of mine that i've met more than a year on social network, we havent met yet but i've spoken to her on the phone, she's very important to me, i told her that i told my friend that i created a blog and my friend read it and she had positive opinion on it, saying that i don't deserve to suffer (in my opinion i do) however she felt happy about  and we talked about 1-2 more things that related to the blog but then it got to a point when i managed to do it...

Finished school, now i'm at home and guess what i did it was had the courage to do it... 

If i had to describe my personality or my appearance... well i would say that i'm very shy, have a low self-esteem, a very lonely/isoslated person from others (so i have no friends), but i think that many of the times that i see my self in the mirror i see a monster, an ugly body,i feel discusted to look that way... but if i could change i would but i think that's impossible, but to start with as you may be aware i'm changing my apperance in clothes (likes and dislikes), but also lossing weight to feel better, because the body that i've had in the past since those problems have happened have brogught my self-belief down, and to feel hate in my body. However, since i've lost atleat 1kg at a timr it has made me feel better, but still i have a long journey to go through to feel perfectly fine...

Tomorrow's another day, maybe i'll be brave enough to give them the presents, wish it could be possivel, but tommorrow i'll see how the day goes... and whether or not i had the courage to do it :/

There is still a secret with this change, which relates to my problems to the past, which since they've happened, since 1-2 years ago i've been trying to lose weight, this is because i dont feel good with my physical apperance, i think that... i just dont look right for my age and that i should look like people at my age, yes i have lost weight but i still think the same way and think there's alot more to lose and i will get there one day, however with all these problems i'm scared to feel worser, if these situations have happened i think there's more to happen in future and if i was able to self-harm those future problems may cause me to think worser (self-harm once again or even lead to suicide), i feel yet still that sooner or later my life will come to an end and not in a good way... :/ 

Once i reached school, the reaction was completely differently as to i've imagine. No judges made no looking side ways no nothing that made me happier, and less exlocded from dressing up differently - now from those jeans i feel like not wearing anymore because yes i did like them in the past and i still do know but its got less meaning to me. I think that to people to like me and execpt me i have to be one of them's, however...

This change, was to change my outlook clothes, so i did. I regarded my parents to buy me new jeans and they did, however yesturday i had art all day and it was non-school uniform. And they purchasing happened on the weekend. My dad ordered me to wear different coloued jeans, ones that i had not the new ones, but i didnt want to. I wored the new ones and to not let him see me i exited the house without him seeing me...

I walked passed, many people and their reaction to me was to look sideways, but on that day it was assembly for my year and another year. Here came the teacher from my form and her reaction to them was 'Wow (name) those jeans are surely bright, i love them' that didnt make me feel better inside and my response was to smile... but i tried to hide myself from the tears coming down my eyes from what she had told me. However, when it ended i walked to my locker and these 2 girls passed by and said 'i love those jeans (name) they are surely are bright and they suit you' and my response was 'are you being honest because everyone from our year have been looking side ways to me' they garanteed me that they were but still i didnt believe them... once again when i was going home waiting for the bus another teacher passed by and she said the exact same thing as the first teacher did and i thanked her but it made me feel even worse and i did cry but not outside but yes from the inside, oncr i got home i decided to change...

With this problem i feel still guilty, for what i've done yes it is my fault and i do deserve to be like this i know, but in high school in the first years it wasn't great too, but i prefer not to talk about it... however recently it was the advent fair at school. And it was wear what you like day, so i wore these bright orange jeans and once i reached school it started...

Today, was the day i brought my teacher and my head of year a present and wrote a christmas card... i went to see my teachet at lunch and she knew i wanted to speak to both of them because i told her and i wanted to speak again about the situation but when she spoke to me about it, she regreted that to happen because it was wasting her time and my head of year's time and she felt that if i carried in talking about it i wouldnt go anywhere and that made me feel very upset and rejected but not being wanted.... but she did clarify that she did want to hear my angel side but did not want to deal with my devil side yet that still didnt make me feel better... with the card i went to find my head of year he wasnt in his office i was unsure to leave it in his desk or not... so i did leave it but at the end of the school day i did the exact same thing with my teacher's card and poped it underneath her door for her to see it tomorrow morning. However i've still got my presents to give to them and dont feel brave in giving to them, but i do want to give it to them because i wanna thank for eveything that they've done for me...

My teacher even encouraged me to talk to childline, but i felt that i wasnt ready enough for that, but as days were passing i decided that ot was maybe the right thing to do so she gave me the number and i telephoned them on school days i couldnt phone at home because it would give away so every lunch time i phoned them for like 4-5 times but then i stopped because of a specific reason (mock exams, they were going on and that would give me less oppotunity to phone them, so since then i've stopped completely)

Yet i didn't make me change the guilty i had inside of me, i felt even more hatered inside me, so i decided to self-harm... and i did that for a week untill i revealed that situation (of self-harm) to my teacher, and her determination was to not do it again if i did she will have to report it to somebody and that person would have to talk to my parents. And i didn't want that so i decided to not self harm, i even went to confession at school, i had a couseller and yet i still do to build up my self-confidence and other things... However, my couseler has no idea of this situation but has noticed that something has happened in the past, i regret revealing that to her because i feel that i havent got enough courage or trust as i have had with my head of year and my teacher, yet the confession hasn't worked...

I've told a teacher, i felt like i could trust her, when i revealed her the situation i wasn't expected that kind of reaction - being positively and honest by saying i wasn't the one to blame, yet in the end i felt the need in telling someone else so i did and told my head of year... yet i wasn't brave enough to tell him the situation so my teacher went along with me to help express the problem, again the same reaction as my teacher had again i wasnt expecting it

I've been having many problems in the past... But suddendly i felt inside of me that it was time to deal with them, so for the past couple of weeks i've been trying to find courage, and faith in myself but it ain't that easy. I've never told this to nobody, i have no friends in school and no one knows nothing about this problem, this fear,  this guiltyness i have inside of me. But yet i've been crying and i've found the need in telling someone so i did...